Pentatonix

This is such an eargasm.

Results

Tomorrow is the big day, judgement day, results day. And I don't really know what I'm going to do if this goes wrong. I've got the ex checking in on me constantly to make sure I'm surviving. And I don't know if I am surviving because I haven't been left alone long enough for me to know. So if tomorrow goes wrong, I just don't know.

Attributed

So it's been a few days. I'm not really sure what to do without you. I really figured that it would always be us. I don't know why, I guess I was lured into your trap. Venus fly trap and I'm the flightless fly. You said to let you know if there's anything you can do, if there's anything I need. I don't know what I need, I don't know how to be without you. The last four years of my life have centered around you. You're the love of my life. The reason for my existence. So without you, do I just stop existing?

Luckily next week brings a barrage of music. Sanity. I need to fall into the abyss and be swallowed up by melody.

I don't know where I'm going with this but it's too fresh to know where I stand. There are songs I long to listen to but I can't. Grey's episodes I feel I should watch but I can't. When things end, you are immediately presented with a chain of memories you suddenly feel the need to block out. It's because for the first time, they hurt now. Simplicity was lost in the break up. And I can't even walk away, rip off the band aid, no anesthesia. I need to know that you're going to be okay. And I probably won't be fine until I don't care if she's fine. (Greys reference) Oh let's face it, my life is just one big Grey's reference. I play this game with people I know who hate Greys. I see how long a quote I can factor in to a conversation and get away with it. This week's winning quote was as follows, recited to a crying Sophie. I was crying too. And it was soon to say it but in that moment I was out of words, my words had run away, so the only option was to use some of George's. It's lucky I knew the speech word for word.

"STOP SAYING THAT YOU'RE SORRY! You wanna know something? I knew. I knew you didn't feel that way about me, even during, when we were in bed I knew. I knew and I still let it happen, because, um, well, I figured that one night with you was better than never. So, will you just stop saying that you're sorry? 'Cause you didn't know any better, but I did. And . . . I'm sorry."



You say that my words are incredible. Well,  I'm sorry to break it to you, but most of the time they aren't my words at all.

Here We Go Again

Baby, you've got the sort of hands to rip me apart
And baby, you've got the sort of face to start this old heart
But your eyes are warning me this early morning
That my love's too big for you my love

Baby, you've got the sort of laugh that waters me
And makes me grow tall and strong and proud and flattens me
I find you stunning but you are running me down 
My love's too big for you my love

And if I was stronger then I would tell you no
And if I was stronger then I would leave this show
And if I was stronger then I would up and go
But here I am and here we go again

Baby, you've got the sort of eyes that tell me tales
That your sort of mouth just will not say, the truth impales
You don't need me but you won't leave me
My love's too big for you my love

And if I was stronger then I would tell you no
And if I was stronger then I would leave this show
And if I was stronger then I would up and go
But here I am and here we go again

Tell me what to do to take away the you

And if I was stronger then I would tell you no
And if I was stronger then I would leave this show
And if I was stronger then I would up and go
But here I am and here we go again

Here We Go

I'm in a thing that I want so badly to be right, but I just don't know if it is. Loving somebody used to be the easiest thing in the world. I want to be Hunt and say to her 'I love you so much it hurts. It hurts to love you.'

Argh and this isn't even what I meant to write this about. I miss being able to write the things I want to say here. Now it's patrolled territory. I think I need to make a new one. A secret one. I'll give you the link. And only you. You're the only one I trust to know what's really in my head. And maybe it's a burden I put on you; if it is I'm sorry. But you're my person.

She's trapping me. She's Addison putting me in a box but I'm not done fighting to stay out of her box yet.
I'm so fucking angry at her. I was happy the way things were, with a helix piercing and a shaved part of my head, and with you as my friend the way we were and writing this petty blog. I don't like to tidy my room. I don't like that she's arranged my dvds. But I can't disarrange them, can I?

I'm so sorry you got caught up in our silliness. You don't need it. And it's driving me potty. She won't drop it.
Enough about her.

Relationships shouldn't be more important. Friends should always come first. You don't have to prove anything, and frankly, neither should I. I'm so sorry I wasn't here when you needed me. And I do need to apologize, this isn't normal human behaviour. I've become a recluse recently. You didn't need me deserting you. It makes me a really shit friend. Listen, I know it's no compensation, but I'm here, whenever, if you ever do need me. And I'll buy dinner at Postsecret? Or drinks, or whatever. And anything you need to get out, you can take it out on me. And we can compile lists of secrets and set them free.

I need my person. And if you need me too, I'm here. I'm sorry I left it so long. I want us to be back how we were and I know I'm the one who ruined it and I'm the one who needs to put it right. Sophie gets so riled because I can tell you anything. It took a long time to build this friendship and it scares me how someone can just reverse into it and destroy it and that's pretty much what I've done. So I need to pick up brick by brick and piece it back together because, and I know I haven't exactly shown it lately, but this isn't something I want to lose. I don't want to lose you because you mean a hell of a lot to me. I don't know what to say because nothing I can say can explain why I became a zombie or excuse it. And you gave me the best advice I've ever had, to say what's on my mind because you could die tomorrow. And I've been trying to do that. I miss you. And I love you. You'll always have a very special place in my heart. And we've always been the sort of people who can talk and talk and talk, then go a week or a month without speaking and then get straight back into the thick of it. I hope we still can.

And I know you can get published. I know it. You are incredible, and incredibly talented. And it'll happen for you.


And I wish I didn't have to delete this at some point because it's the most honest I've been in a long time. Maybe I won't delete it, just move it to the new blog. I need somewhere to vent.




Kristina I'm so sorry. I hate hate hate that I wasn't there for you when you needed me, it makes me shudder with anger. I hate the person I've become. I want to get back to the old days, Frankii and DarkLashes and Taylor. Haha. From now on I'm not letting you down again. And that's a promise I have to keep.


Left Arrow Three. Always.

K

I'll tell you something, in this post, and the following post which doesn't yet exist. Right now, this blog is yours. Yours and mine, for we are the only two who can read it.


I keep crying.
I hate myself for things I have done and things I have not done.
Tomorrow evening, or Wednesday, I will write you something here. Something that has been a long time coming. I'm sorry it's taken me so long. I am a useless human. I feel fourteen again with cuts decorating my wrists and so much in my head that all I can bear to do is sleep.

It's when I read what you have to say that I cry. I feel so guilty.

This post won't last forever. I will have to delete it, and the next one, once I know you've read it.


I am sorry.

I have never meant these words more.

Kindling The Fires Of Hatred

So you can pick up a Kindle now for £59. I still don't want one. I will never want one, nor need one, nor see the point in them. I despise the idea. My new phone (I got a new phone) has Nokia Read, which is effectively the same concept. I have been forced to use it since this week's novel was nowhere to be found in local bookshops. I hate it. I hate having to read everything 'off a bloody screen'. I miss turning pages, instead of swiping. I miss page numbers, and trying my hardest not to see them, so when I do finally notice the digit in the bottom right corner I am surprised, and victorious in my reading speed. I miss marking page numbers down, simply to record the most deft of lines: '"Hope!" he might bellow, "your mother is having a fit of hysteria. It's spectacular!"'. I miss estimating how far I am through, instead of being presented with a percentage. I miss blank pages, and pages cut short at the end of a chapter. I miss setting myself targets before I take my next break. I miss flicking through at speed. Seriously, nobody ever buy me a Kindle. Waste of money, and I can guarantee you I will end up using it as nothing more than a tray to roll cigarettes over.