Maybe Tomorrow

Today is the 12th of May. What would have been Jordan's 19th birthday, the day I won an award for Academic Excellence at uni, and the day you decided it would be a good idea to speak to me again. That's a lot of things for one day. This time last year Charlotte took me to lay flowers down, and then we went to my lake and talked. I wish I could have done the same today but I can't get home. But Jord, know I'm thinking of you. And Happy Birthday, I love you so much, and I miss you every single day. I should have left the sad bit til last, I'm all upset now. I won an award at uni today. Right now I don't really feel it. I'm still ill, yesterday I was at the hospital most of the day being tested for Glandular Fever. So after the ceremony I came back to halls and fell asleep til just now. And I find a text. The first half was good text material. The rest: the sort of thing you have no idea how to reply to. And I haven't figured out in my head yet whether or not I want to reply. I don't know what I want, but I definitely didn't want what happened, well I did but not the way it panned out in the end. I've never felt like such a twat in my life. Afterwards I went into central and met Yaz, and it all just poured out, as soon as I saw her I started crying and she gave me the longest hug. I was doing so well and it was about five steps back, when I'd only come about 6 steps in the first place. Then I cried all the way home, and convinced myself that 'let's not talk for a while', meant 'let's not talk again ever'. But here we are, and now I'm the one who has to differentiate between the two. I really, really don't know what I should do, I need a hug, I need some guidance. Because texting back here doesn't just mean texting back, it means something else. Forgiveness maybe? Friendship. Understanding. And a large amount of bounce-back-ness. And I still have to think about whether I want, or can do those things. And whether I'm the kind of person who can do that. I haven't thought about it because I was under the impression of 'let's not talk again ever'. So I didn't need to think about it. But now I do. And that will take me time. I'll just try to keep the time under two days and eight minutes; Imogen Heap says that's too long. I think I'll follow the advice of Snow Patrol, 'Don't think, just do'. But not today. I'll do on a day that isn't important for as many reasons. Tomorrow maybe. Maybe tomorrow.