The Apology

Writing this might be the stupidest thing I've ever done but I don't know what else to do.

When you experience a moment that you know you'll remember forever it's hard to breathe. It's hard to do anything but think about that moment. You relive it in your mind over and over as many times as you can before the memories become too distant. Before it all clouds over and you can't remember the exact chain of events. So I'm writing this while it's all still fresh. It was perfect. It was the perfect apology. The apology that I'd always wanted. Needed. It's been two and a half years, but actually, if I'm honest to myself, the feelings never went away. I won't say it, but it's pretty obvious what I mean. I never stopped. And if there was something I could do to get you back I'd do it in a heartbeat without a second thought. That moment. I can't even put it into words. You squeezed my hand like you'd never meant anything more in your life. And now it's slipping away with every second, and I so want to hold onto it. You clasped my hand in yours, hidden in the crowd and turned to me.

Can we bring yesterday back around? Because I know how I feel about you now. I was dumb, I was wrong, I let you down. But I know how I feel about you now.

You did let me down. You fucked me up. You screwed me over and practically left without a goodbye. I'm positive this was supposed to be your apology, two years late. But it was more than an apology. It was more like a Please forgive me and let me try again. I'll do better. You gripped my hand so hard. I kissed you on the head. You're a headfuck but I'm a sucker for it. I was never really over you. It took me a year and a half to get you out of my head, but just because you weren't constantly haunting my thoughts didn't mean I was over it. I told myself I was but every time I saw you I took five steps back when I'd only taken four forward in the first place. What is it about you that turns me into this quivering idiot who's ready to fall at your feet at every opportunity? Such a simple song; I've heard it hundreds of times but it never meant anything even close to what it meant tonight.

Not a day passed me by when I don't think about you. And there's no moving on, because I know you're the one, and I can't be without you.

What a moment. It was one of those life defining moments that you just know will stick with you. And you have to take a step back afterwards and ask yourself if it really happened. But it did. The history books should write about it. You'll always be the one who got away, and I'll never be over you. Not really. I looked away when I shouldn't have done. I didn't know why you were looking at me like that. But then I realised. And I looked back. And your eyes were still fixed on mine. You were singing the words to me. I'd never seen you look like that before. If I could make you mine I would but you're too good for me. I'm seeing you soon. I shouldn't be doing it. I should have left that perfect moment as it was and remembered you that way. Let our final goodbye be the perfect apology. It was my fault, I texted you. I came to find you. If I hadn't this wouldn't have happened. Maybe the reason I texted you was because I wanted something like this to happen. My expectations are high when they shouldn't be because you're not the person I like to believe you are. Nothing will happen. Because you're with him and I'm just a blast from the past that you finally felt the need to apologise for. But I'll give you credit; you did it in the most perfect way. And if I never see you again, at least I finally got it. Thanks, I suppose. I really fucking miss you. We'll never be just friends, no ten, not in my eyes.