Turn & Turn Again

So turn and turn again,
We are calling in all the ships,
Every traveler please come home,
And tell us all that you have seen.

Break every lock to every door,
Return every gun to every draw,
So we can turn,
And turn again.

Postsecret Catch Up

These are my secrets from the last two weeks. Check out this week's Postsecrets by clicking here.

20/11/2010

27/11/2010

Police, Assignments And Lack Of Sleep

Last night was crazy. We were out celebrating for Jordan and ended up in a police station making witness statements against this girl who punched Frankie in the face and tried to strangle Liv. So I didn't get home until 6am. And I was really hoping uni would be cancelled again because of the snow so I could sleep, but no such luck. So on three hours of sleep I made it back to Kingston, almost falling asleep on the train, eyelids so heavy. But then I got to uni and got my assignment back. The assignment I thought I'd failed because my tutor hinted that I had the other day. But I got 69%, 1% off a first. Which personally I think is a pretty respectable mark, well I was pleased at least! So I cheered up a bit, I'd been totally dreading finding out what mark I'd got. Then to finish off my day, you texted me to see if I was okay after yesterday, the one year mark. And that really meant so much to me. It actually reminded me of a year after Caroline died and I texted Soph almost the same thing. Which is odd, because I'd always been comparing you to Soph, but maybe you're more like me. I don't know, I'm confusing myself now. Anyway. I've been awake for far too many hours now, so I shall get some sleep and write tomorrow.

This Time Last Year Special - 1/12/10

This is a really tough time of year for me. So today, even though it isn't Tuesday, I'm going to let you read my mini blog from this time last year. To cut a long story short, my beautiful friend Jordan Wickersham died on 2nd December 2009, here's the link to the Sun article, I'm not really in the mood to explain it all, I've cried enough today. But go and have a read, click here for the link.

So here's a blog post from my iTouch this time last year, and this week it really is exactly this time last year.

'Happy fucking Christmas. For five minutes just then it wasn't real, there was no car accident, Jordan wasn't in ICU and the story wasn't going to be in the Sun tommorow. Grey's managed to take it all away just for five minutes. Shit, it doesn't feel real.. Can't get my head around it all. It's just shocking. I'm going to pray for Jordan, she has to be okay, she just has to. I hope Sian's okay, because if God forbid Jordan doesn't pull through, I don't know what Sian will do. She's okay I think, as in not too badly hurt from the crash. Mentally though I bet she's tearing herself apart, bless her. It wasn't her fault it was the ice. I've done a lot of crying today, everything just seems to be going tits up. Fuck. Love you Chef, Jordan Ramsay, and Sianyard Barnyard, please please please be okay. Xxxxx'

That night I prayed and prayed that Jordan would make it. They told us she was in a critical but stable condition, giving us all false hope. The next morning I went into school, but Tug rang me about five minutes after I'd got in, letting me know that Jordan had passed away. I screamed, fell to my knees in the corridor and cried my eyes out. Teachers came out to try and comfort me and took me back to reception, they called people for me but I just needed to be with the rest of Jord's friends. I went into town to meet Tug, Frankie, Lauren, Emily, everyone was there. I didn't see Sian until after we'd all had coffee, bought flowers and made our way to Harlow to the hospital. She was being so strong. We waited for hours to see Jordan, and it was beyond horrible. And afterwards we had to tell ourselves, remind ourselves that it wasn't a dead body we'd just seen, it was our friend. I genuinely can't believe that it's almost been a year. I miss you more than ever Ramsey. Life isn't the same without you, it never will be. I'd do anything to bring you back, anything. But I know you're safe now. And I know you're sleeping peacefully. It's not fair, but it's true. I love you, and I always, always will. Take care, my angel. <3

Snowy Thoughts

I walked home in the snow and thought about a lot of things. I should never have fallen for you. It makes everything so complicated, and it's so hard to look at you and not thing of you in that way., I know you're just my friend and nothing more, but one day I'll ask you about what you said that time, whether you meant it or not. I don't see why you'd lie. You said today you'd never cheated, but you were in front of her. It's always different when she's not there with listening ears. I like making footprints in the snow, and I might just have written your initials in it. I'm so childish somethings, but it's always the little things. And now I'm here, listening to the song beneath the song, there's always meaning behind everything. So many song shad meaning to me on my way back tonight. I felt like crying but the tears never came. It's getting to that horrible time of year again, and the ice on the roads just makes me think about it more. It'll break me if something tragic happens again. Tomorrow is the day of the accident, and the day after is a year since Jordan died. I better whip out the waterproof mascara, because there's going to be some serious crying happening. I genuinely cannot believe it's been a year. I'm going back on Thursday to see everyone and celebrate Jordan's life. I really fucking miss her. It's not fair. But on the brighter side, you just sent me what I think is my favourite text you've ever sent me. You said you can't wait til we live together. And to be perfectly honest, neither can I.

Back On Track

I've taken some time off blogging, I'm sorry. I just had to sort my head out a bit and I didn't really have much I felt like sharing. But I'm getting back on track. I'll do my postsecret blogs either tonight or tomorrow, then blog of the week, then this time last year until I'm pretty much up to date. I've kept meaning to blog, but just haven't actually got around to doing it. I've got lots of things to talk about. I've also had lots of work to do, and I still do, for uni. I've got lots of assignments due in soon which really need work doing on them. Unless I really want to fail, which I don't. I think I'm meant to be going out tonight but I'm really not feeling it. I want to stay in and watch a film but I really ought to do something productive instead. So. That's you all caught up a bit, and I'll blog again later. Let's get this back on track. :)

Then I'll Know

That moment in the stairwell, five floors up could have been so much more. It could have been the make or break. I really must stop comparing this to Soph, but it was just like the moment outside Carr & Bury; 'Stop walking away from me'. They both used the same words. You said that when people cheat, they shouldn't tell. We so nearly spoke about what happened. So close, inches away. Abby told me to talk to you about it but I can't bring myself to. So I guess you haven't told her. Not that there's much to tell but technically it was still cheating. We means we could carry this on, if there was anything to carry on. If you still mean what you said. I don't know whether or not you did but it bloody well felt like it. I upset you yesterday. Erica said you felt rejected because I was ignoring you, missing your calls and not telling you what was wrong. I just can't tell you. You'll think I'm a twat, a stupid, stupid bitch hung up on one little insignificant moment. I am. But I don't want you to know that. I wanted our stairwell moment to be a Derek and Meredith moment. Maybe we should spend more time together alone in elevators. I need to reignite the spark but I don't know how. I also need to stop thinking all these things and dwelling on all this. I will someday. December 7th. I'll stop then. Because then I'll know.