Then I'll Know

That moment in the stairwell, five floors up could have been so much more. It could have been the make or break. I really must stop comparing this to Soph, but it was just like the moment outside Carr & Bury; 'Stop walking away from me'. They both used the same words. You said that when people cheat, they shouldn't tell. We so nearly spoke about what happened. So close, inches away. Abby told me to talk to you about it but I can't bring myself to. So I guess you haven't told her. Not that there's much to tell but technically it was still cheating. We means we could carry this on, if there was anything to carry on. If you still mean what you said. I don't know whether or not you did but it bloody well felt like it. I upset you yesterday. Erica said you felt rejected because I was ignoring you, missing your calls and not telling you what was wrong. I just can't tell you. You'll think I'm a twat, a stupid, stupid bitch hung up on one little insignificant moment. I am. But I don't want you to know that. I wanted our stairwell moment to be a Derek and Meredith moment. Maybe we should spend more time together alone in elevators. I need to reignite the spark but I don't know how. I also need to stop thinking all these things and dwelling on all this. I will someday. December 7th. I'll stop then. Because then I'll know.