To Put It Simply

First

So yesterday I found out that I passed my first year at uni. Not just passed, but passed with a 1st! All the hard work paid off. The lowest mark I got in the entire year was 67%, three percent off a first. So I'm now officially a third of the way through my degree. And that makes me happy. But not as happy as you make me.

Two Hundred And Fifty!!

Blogger's telling me that this is my 250th post! What a milestone! Of course there have been a few along the line that never got posted, so technically it's not the 250th that made it to print, but it's the 250th that I've written here. Bearing in mind that my previous blogs never made it to 50 posts, I'm happy. And I don't see the end of it coming soon.. so here's to the next 250! 500 would be an amazing amount to reach, and now I've said it I don't want to stop until I make it! I've been getting back into the swing of blogging every day which is good, along with the creative writing I've been doing it brings a structure to my day.. I get up, I go to work, I get home, relax for a bit, write my target number of words of my story, blog, then relax a bit more. Work has been going well, I didn't make a single mistake serving wise today, no food came back because it was wrong, which I'm really proud of.. seeing as Friday was a bit of a disaster returns wise. The only slight disaster that did happen today was I dropped a large coke all over the floor! It went everywhere! Had to be mopped up, wet floor signs brought out, the works! But in the scheme of things it wasn't a bad day at all. I'm getting to know the till better, and the people I'm working with too. I'm doing more hours this week too, which I'm happy about now, but when it actually comes to the eight hour shifts I'm sure I won't be quite as happy. But theoretically I want to be working as many hours as I can to earn enough to enjoy myself over the next year at uni. So it's been a good day. And when pay day comes around on Thursday I'll make sure to buy a nice bottle of white and have a drink to celebrate this milestone! Just want to say a big thank you to everyone who's read the blog and got me up to almost 11,000 views.. it means so much to me that you take the time out of your day to read about what I've been up to. So thanks, and here's to more blogging!

Page After Page

Today I said some words I never thought I'd say in summer. I want some work to do. A nice English assignment or a creative writing task. Something structured to sink my teeth into. Does that make me a geek? I guess I'm bored of the endless summer already, and I still have another two months to play with. But I've been being a good student, probably a better student than I've been all year. In Creative Writing we get told that when writing, 500 words a day is a good benchmark. And through the whole year I never got anywhere really with my writing. I mean, I probably started about five potential novels that never got past 5,000 words. Lots of short stories, but not so many that I actually finished. I ought to read them all over really and see whether now I've got lots of time on my hands there are any I'd like to pick up again. But I've been writing a new story, I think I've mentioned it here before actually, and I've been sticking to my 500 words a day, with more if I feel like it. It's a good amount. And this story actually seems to be going somewhere, which is more than I can say for the other things I've produced in the last year or so. So I'm going to persevere with this one, even if or when it gets tiresome. So at the very least I can say I've done something with my summer.

I Ain't Lost, Just Wandering..

I had a dream about halls last night. It was freshers week, the first night, but of next year. Everyone had just moved in. Everyone was so excited. I'm not really sure why I was there, but I went back to my old room and it looked so different. Mostly we were in a different block, exploring as if we'd never been there. Venturing into people's rooms, partying like the first night of last year. I was telling everyone that I didn't live there, but I would be coming back to halls for third year. Do you think your dreams speak the truth? I miss halls so much, I'd love to go back for third year, but I fear it wouldn't be the same, that it wouldn't compare to the year I had this year. I want this year to happen all over again. With the same people. I loved every minute. I loved my room. The total freedom you have. In my dream you were there. Stood outside G block, just moving in. I called your name out of the window and you looked around. Gave me a smile. Then turned back. I want to go back.

What if everything just isn't the same this year? What if the reason I love uni so much is halls? What if I can't be in a house with the people I'm living with? What if I'm not cut out for it? I want to do this year over again and savour every moment. It'll never be the same. I miss it so much, I miss it every day. I want to go back there now. I keep listening to Hometown Glory by Adele. It reminds me so much of halls. "Round my home town, memories are fresh. Round my hometown, oh the people I've met are the wonders of my world."

Take me back.

You've Got Mail

I wrote you a letter. 2,000 of my most heartfelt words. And with pictures. I guess that makes it a step up from previous letters. But I'd like to talk to you first. So when you feel like you can stomach it, when you have a moment where I'm not the person you hate most on the planet, let me know? And again, I'm sorry.

Postsecret 03/07/11

So I realise that this is almost a week late but I thought I'd get it in before the secrets change tomorrow. Check them out by clicking here.

In fact words in any sense are running rather thin lately. But after 5 years or so of reading other people's secrets, I've decided I'm going to find the words and actually send one in.

Just My Luck

Second day at work today, and it didn't start well. Had to get up super early to go and get the bus to work, which took 40 minutes, and then I was half an hour early. I was just walking over from the bus stop and I was crossing the road and my ankle gave way beneath me. It used to do it a lot when I was a child, it's because I'm hypermobile and my joints bend further than normal joints, so sometimes my ankles just go over. Then I stretched all the ligaments in my right ankle in a football tournament, three years ago now, and that ankle has never been the same. And it gave way today, and I've sprained it. Didn't realise how bad it was at the time, so I limped into work. And to be honest we get so busy that I hardly had time to think about it. Then I got in the car to get home and took my shoe off and discovered that it had swollen up. Now it's hurting like hell, and I just know it's going to be so much worse tomorrow. And I've got to stand on it for four hours and run around on what's going to be the busiest day of the week. I'm dreading it. And it's beginning to turn a worrying shade of blue. I didn't tell them at work because it hardly looks good does it, gone and sprained my ankle on my second day. Just my luck eh?

First Day

I had my first day at my new job today. And I actually really enjoyed it. The people I'm working with are lovely, especially the girl who's training me. It's so hectic though, and it gets so busy. But that makes the time go quickly at least. I hardly had time to blink for the first two hours; I was getting myself a drink and literally not having time to drink it for half an hour. It's non-stop. And there's so much to learn, the tills are so confusing but I'm hoping it won't take me too long to pick it up. After a couple of hours today my nerves left me and I was actually starting to smile whilst serving the customers. It's just getting into a routine, saying the same thing over and over, it's how you get through it, that's what we did at Anglian. But there we were given a basic script and here you have to make it up as you go. And be polite at the same time. And smile. Smile smile smile so much that your jaw begins to hurt. And your feet from standing up and running around. I'm dreading Friday, the busiest day. But it's really interesting. Today I had to take euros and give change in pounds, when I thought the only place you could pay with euros in England was at airports.. or the post office. And a man came in with a £50 note and we had to do tests on it to check that it wasn't fraudulent. So yes. I enjoyed my first day, and hopefully tomorrow I'll know what I'm doing a little more. I wonder how long it will take until I don't ever have to ask for help.. hope it's not too long!!

The Accessorize Sale - Part 2

So I was a bit naughty and I went back to the Accessorize sale. I think I'm got some kind of homing device inside me that attracts me there like a magnet. But I started work today (I'll blog about that later) and I'm finally making money, and money has to be spent! It's okay, I won't be doing this every day. But I had said I wanted to go back for just a few bits, and I couldn't leave them there for other people to buy. Here's what I bought on today's little shopping trip.

This just had to be done.. I am a Creative Writing student after all!

£9 down to £4.50

 £12 down to £6

 £10 down to £5

I love this one!! This was the first thing I saw yesterday and I knew I had to come back for it!

£12 down to £6

If I were you I'd get down to the Accessorize sale as soon as you possibly can! And while you're there... buy me something pretty?

Mistaken

It was definitely just an apology. That was what I needed. And now the apology has sunk in, the feelings have gone again. I get these little moments where my mind tells me lies. Moments where the emotions blend together and become unclear. I mistook the apology for something more. And my thankfulness for the apology for something more than friendship. When you've loved someone, of course that feeling never completely goes away, you'll always care for them. But I'm a different person now. And so is she. My mind went into overdrive. My Bipolar makes me sky high. I get happy and suddenly I'm in a perfect world where everything makes sense. I make connections that seem to make sense at the time. It's called mania for a reason. And it's only til I come back down that I realise what things really meant. I loved her then. But I'm not the same person who could love her now. It took me a long time to move on but now I see that it would never have worked out. And there's no way that it could. Now I'm back in the real world I can see that. So thanks for my apology. But I won't be in touch anytime soon.

The Beginning

So I had my first day, except it wasn't really a first day, it was just an induction. My real first day is tomorrow and I'm all scared! Today was just going over health and safety; what to do in a fire, what to do in a bomb scare, you know the drill (excuse the pun). And apparently there's some kind of act that outlines what I can and can't write on my blog about the company. Not that if I thought anything derogatory about them I'd post it on here for the world to see anyway, but I can write all the nice things I want. Exciting though. And the discounts are amazing! It's really interesting to see a business from the inside. I think I'm going to have fun working there. Last week I was having second thoughts but.. I don't know.. today has straightened a few things out in my head. Tomorrow though, agh, I'm scared! I wonder when I'll serve my first customer or if tomorrow will be purely training. I'm pleased with the hours. Bahhh! I'll let you know how it goes tomorrow. Working 11 til 3 so it's not even like it's going to take up my entire day. So I'll have lots of time for blogging and writing, which I've got back into. Suddenly the writing has started to go my way again, back how it was years ago. I think it's just because I've thought up a story that I'm actually passionate about, something I like writing about. I don't know what I've been doing the last couple of years that has made me writing a challenge, but it's coming back to me. And I'm so happy about it. Time for a bit of writing before bed now.. I've set myself the 500 words a day target that they recommended at uni, but every day I find myself writing more than that. And if I took into account what I write here everyday.. I'm probably into the thousands rather than the hundreds. I'm so in love with the fact that my favourite thing has become something that comes easily again. And I've got so many notebooks that need filling up. Agh. Too much excitement!

Mini Shopping Spree - Accessorize Sale!

I found my camera so you're in luck. So thrilled with what I bought from the Accessorize sale today that I had to make a blog about it. And I'm feeling that I might have to go back there tomorrow and buy a few more bits that I also had my eye on, but my mum was watching my every move and I was spending more than I could afford. But as of tomorrow I'm earning so.. it just has to be done. Had my eye on one more necklace and a couple more bracelets, and let's be honest, I'm a bit of a jewelry addict. Here's the goodies I bought today.

£10 down to £5

£16 down to £8

£9 down to £4.50

£12 down to £6

£32 down to £16

Judgement Day

So I start my new job tomorrow. Scary times indeed. I don't remember being this nervous when I started at Anglian. Just two hours tomorrow, it's my induction. I assume I'll be sat in a back room flicking through handbooks about health and safety or something equally dull. But it's a nice way to start, not being plunged into the deep end. So finally I'll be actually earning a living. I'm hoping to save some money to go towards uni life next year, but I know that I'll just end up in the Accessorize sale like I did today. I swear I could buy the entire shop if I had the money. I love it in there. Will make a separate post with pictures of all the things I bought.. if I can find my camera that is. I am excited to start the new job though; it'll give a structure to my days and bring an end to my endless amount of spare time with nothing to do. I can't work out whether what I feel is excitement or apprehension. I suppose tomorrow will be judgement day. I do need a structure though. Well, I need anything that will take my mind of the negative thoughts floating around my head.

The Apology

Writing this might be the stupidest thing I've ever done but I don't know what else to do.

When you experience a moment that you know you'll remember forever it's hard to breathe. It's hard to do anything but think about that moment. You relive it in your mind over and over as many times as you can before the memories become too distant. Before it all clouds over and you can't remember the exact chain of events. So I'm writing this while it's all still fresh. It was perfect. It was the perfect apology. The apology that I'd always wanted. Needed. It's been two and a half years, but actually, if I'm honest to myself, the feelings never went away. I won't say it, but it's pretty obvious what I mean. I never stopped. And if there was something I could do to get you back I'd do it in a heartbeat without a second thought. That moment. I can't even put it into words. You squeezed my hand like you'd never meant anything more in your life. And now it's slipping away with every second, and I so want to hold onto it. You clasped my hand in yours, hidden in the crowd and turned to me.

Can we bring yesterday back around? Because I know how I feel about you now. I was dumb, I was wrong, I let you down. But I know how I feel about you now.

You did let me down. You fucked me up. You screwed me over and practically left without a goodbye. I'm positive this was supposed to be your apology, two years late. But it was more than an apology. It was more like a Please forgive me and let me try again. I'll do better. You gripped my hand so hard. I kissed you on the head. You're a headfuck but I'm a sucker for it. I was never really over you. It took me a year and a half to get you out of my head, but just because you weren't constantly haunting my thoughts didn't mean I was over it. I told myself I was but every time I saw you I took five steps back when I'd only taken four forward in the first place. What is it about you that turns me into this quivering idiot who's ready to fall at your feet at every opportunity? Such a simple song; I've heard it hundreds of times but it never meant anything even close to what it meant tonight.

Not a day passed me by when I don't think about you. And there's no moving on, because I know you're the one, and I can't be without you.

What a moment. It was one of those life defining moments that you just know will stick with you. And you have to take a step back afterwards and ask yourself if it really happened. But it did. The history books should write about it. You'll always be the one who got away, and I'll never be over you. Not really. I looked away when I shouldn't have done. I didn't know why you were looking at me like that. But then I realised. And I looked back. And your eyes were still fixed on mine. You were singing the words to me. I'd never seen you look like that before. If I could make you mine I would but you're too good for me. I'm seeing you soon. I shouldn't be doing it. I should have left that perfect moment as it was and remembered you that way. Let our final goodbye be the perfect apology. It was my fault, I texted you. I came to find you. If I hadn't this wouldn't have happened. Maybe the reason I texted you was because I wanted something like this to happen. My expectations are high when they shouldn't be because you're not the person I like to believe you are. Nothing will happen. Because you're with him and I'm just a blast from the past that you finally felt the need to apologise for. But I'll give you credit; you did it in the most perfect way. And if I never see you again, at least I finally got it. Thanks, I suppose. I really fucking miss you. We'll never be just friends, no ten, not in my eyes.