Stream Of Consciousness

Today I was thinking about twins. I can't remember why exactly I was thinking about twins, I think it was because I was watching Airline. There was a woman on there with a baby and they wouldn't let them fly because legally the baby was 6 hours too young to fly. So I was thinking, is it measured by the actual time of birth? This is what lead me onto thinking about twins. I was thinking about how far apart they are born. Anyway this next bit won't make sense unless I explain one of my weird theories about life first. Let me go back a few years. As a lonely and misguided teenager I once decided to seek help from my maths teacher, a very wise woman whose views on the world are rather similar to mine. A woman who I grew to regard as more of a friend than a teacher over the years. I told her that I was thinking all these things that I didn't think other people my age were thinking about. When she asked me what sort of things I had been thinking about I chose to disclose a couple of the least depressing thoughts. The first was that I had been wondering what the point of names were. Surely if everyone in the world is individual, how can two people have the same name? Everybody should be able to be known in a unique way. Surnames I sort of understand; they once described an occupation, and I suppose that is a way to be known. But names, common names, names in the top 100 baby names for certain years, why would you want a name that millions of other people have? That doesn't hold any kind of special meaning does it? I just think that everyone should have an individual name, and that name dies with you. The second musing I told her about was the one that made me think about twins today. It's something that crops up in my mind every now and again. I wonder, why isn't age measured from conception? Because surely age is how long you've been alive for. So that would mean that before birth you aren't alive. But you are. I thought about this a lot whilst I was waiting to turn 16 and 18; I remember thinking, if age was measured from conception then I'd have nine months and a week less to wait. It just makes no sense to me. Anyway, this is when I started thinking about twins. For simplicity, let's assume that we're dealing with identical twins. With twins, as long as they aren't delivered via caesarian section, one twin is born a matter of minutes before the other. And that twin is known as the older twin. But these twins are the result of one zygote splitting to form two embryos, so they were conceived at the same time. So they have been alive for the same amount of time. So the twin that is born first isn't actually the older twin, but the faster twin. The same applies with children who are born a matter of days apart in the same year. One child may be born on the 10th of the month, with the other born on the 12th. But if the first child is born a week premature, and the second child is born a week late, then the 'younger' child is actually the older child.

Anyway. Now I've got all those strange thoughts out of my head for the night, I must sleep. It is much too late to be thinking this deeply.

Music

I'm so in the mood to go to a really good gig. Last year I went to absolutely loads, but so far this year I haven't been to a single one! The last was Nerina Pallot at the Tabernacle in December, and the next will be her as well. It's only three weeks away and I'm far too excited. Today I got tickets for her London gig in October as well on presale, row A, very nice! Also the other day we decided to go to GoGo festival in June, and Heather Peace is playing on my birthday. My friends are buying me the ticket as a birthday present, so that's going to be really great. But I want more gigs; I'm a gigaholic. I just love live music. There's something really special about hearing a song that means a lot to you live. It's just so different to hearing a recorded version; it unveils a whole new meaning. And Nerina specifically is phenomenal live. I've seen her 10 times now, make that 11 in three weeks and at least 12 before the end of this year. If I had the money I'd go online and book tickets for as many artists as possible and fill up an entire year with gigs. Maybe I'll take a gap year and do that one day. A whole year of live music, imagine that.

Postsecret 27/03/11

So it's that Postsecret time of week again. Had a browse through the postcards earlier and there aren't any this week that jump out as a secret of my own, so I found this that I print-screened a while back. I'm not sure what the actual date of this Postsecret was, but it was the comment left underneath it that I loved most about it. Click here to check out this week's Postsecrets and pick yours out for yourself.


Once upon a time I was with a girl who loved Postsecret as much as I did, and we often wondered if we'd recognise each other's secrets in Postcard form. I'm not really sure whether I see my scars as a sign that I survived, or a sign that I almost didn't; but I can remember what caused certain ones. Why I did that. What made me feel that bad. And I remember the night I showed her my scars, we talked about what they all meant for me and why I'd done them in the first place. We talked them all through. I still remember the 'Fuck' she exclaimed when I showed her the three scars on my thigh. 'Where the tiger got me'. Analogies. Euphamisms. Like back in 2007 when I was in hospital and the little girl in the bed opposite me asked me what had happened to my arm, and her mother jumped in and said 'She was juggling a goldfish bowl, just like Uncle Matt'. I always thought that was a very beautiful way of putting it. But the little girl accepted it and carried on and I thanked her mother for what she'd said, because I didn't know how to reply to such an innocent little person. Anyway. The comment underneath this secret, I always liked to think it was from the girl I was brave enough to show my scars to. Sometimes I wonder whether it actually was.

LYRICS - Put Your Hands Up - Nerina Pallot

Okay so I noticed that a lot of people are being linked to my blog whilst searching for the lyrics to Nerina Pallot's forthcoming single: 'Put Your Hands Up'. I wrote a short post about the song a few days ago but the lyrics weren't included. I had a quick look online but couldn't find the lyrics anywhere so I thought I'd release them onto the world wide web. I'm pretty sure these are the correct lyrics and I have checked with a few other Nerina fans but feel free to let me know with a comment if you think there are any mistakes. 'Put Your Hands Up' is due to be released on May 23rd, so... enjoy!!

Oh it’s the strangest thing,
I wasn’t looking out for anything.
My boat had just set sail,
I was flying as the wind prevailed.

What did you think you were doing, doing?
I couldn’t shake loose, not from you, not from you.
I couldn’t shake loose, now I don’t mind.

Put your hands up,
Say you won’t stop
Giving me love,
Cos I need you to feel me, feel me.
Put your hands up,
Say you won’t stop
Giving me love
I don’t care if it’s greedy, greedy.

Whatever you want, you’ve got it.
Whatever you do I’m on it.
Whatever you want, you’ve got it,
Just put your hands up.

I was a lonely girl,
Swimming lost in the widest sea.
But the truth of it,
There ain’t no man could ever get to me.

Now I just see stars when I’m with you.
This is my heart that I give you.
What did you do with your voodoo, voodoo child?
What did you do to me?

Put your hands up,
Say you won’t stop
Giving me love,
Cos I need you to feel me, feel me.
Put your hands up,
Say you won’t stop
Giving me love
I don’t care if it’s greedy, greedy.

Whatever you want, you’ve got it.
Whatever you do I’m on it.
Whatever you want, you’ve got it,
Just put your hands up.

Put your hands up.
(Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh)
Put your hands up.
(Oooooooh)


Put your hands up,
Say you won’t stop
Giving me love,
Cos I need you to feel me, feel me.
Put your hands up,
Say you won’t stop
Giving me love
I don’t care if it’s greedy, greedy.

Whatever you want, you’ve got it.
Whatever you do I’m on it.
Whatever you want, you’ve got it,
Just put your hands up

Put your hands up now,
Come on and put your hands up now.
Whatever you want you’ve got it,
Just put your hands up

Nerina Pallot - Put Your Hands Up

So it's a very exciting time in the world of Nerina Pallot at the moment. On May 30th her new album 'Year of the Wolf' will be released and I have a feeling it's going to be a big one. The first single: 'Put Your Hands Up' is currently named as Popjustice's song of the day, with a snippet of the track, which I have to say is incredible! Popjustice describe the song as "an understated yet PATENTLY BRILLIANT tune", warning it "is highly addictive". Click here to visit the Popjustice article. The single will be released on May 23rd, so you better make sure that you all buy it!

The final cut for 'Put Your Hands Up' is an absolutely beautiful song, the brass instruments work brilliantly with Nerina's voice and great lyrics and provide a whole new take on a song that we've only previously heard live. It's a really lively track that Pallot once described as 'a bit Eurovision' and 'as camp as Christmas', but since the original live version that we heard it's definitely progressed; 'Put Your Hands Up' would be wasted on Eurovision. I don't think I could be more excited for the music video, especially as Nerina once pictured people on roller skates wearing sailors outfits and cossacks dancing. So a big ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ for 'Put Your Hands Up', and bring on May 23rd!

Here is a sneak preview of the new single.. and it sounds amazing!!

Writing

I love that if you type 'A little older a little wiser' into Google, this is the first thing that comes up. I actually can't believe that I've had over 6,000 views now! I've been going for nearly 6 months, and though I haven't posted as often as I said I would or aimed to, I still feel like I've done a good job of documenting my life at present. Been doing a lot of writing today, for the first time in ages it all started flowing out without me having to think about it and I've written 1,500 words on one of my stories today so far. I had to read some of it out in my seminar today and I think it went well. I've actually done quite a lot of writing this week. Yesterday I went into uni only to find my seminar was canceled so I walked back along the river and sat down and did some writing in the sun. It's been such lovely weather just recently. Wow how boring am I! Anyway. Once all my next lot of work is in I can get back to writing on here properly, which hopefully will be soon! So that's all for now.

Postsecret 20/03/11

It's Postsecret time. Actually Postsecret time was technically on Sunday but I'm always a bit behind the times so Postsecret time is now! Make sure to check out this week's secrets by clicking here!

There are so many places that I wish I could go back to; some physical, some metaphorical. Some just times in my head where things were settled. But this picture made me think of one in particular. I miss you.

Q&A Interview With Hanif Kureishi

Today Hanif Kureishi came into our Creative writing lecture for a question and answer session. Kureishi is an English playwright, screenwriter, film director, novelist and short story writer most famous for the screenplay 'My beautiful launderette' and the novel 'Intimacy' which was adapted into a film. Kureishi also wrote the screenplay 'Venus', which gained Oscar, BAFTA and Golden Globe nominations amongst others. The Times named Kureishi in their list of 'The 50 greatest British writers since 1945'. Kureishi is a naturally witty character and a very entertaining speaker who uses life as his research for his work. My favourite quote from today was 'I really like being a writer, it's a fantastic job. A lot of lying down, copious amounts of daytime television, sometimes you think, this really is the life!'

Here are a few of the questions that Kureishi answered today, two of which were from me, that I found really interesting. The whole session was very writing-based, so I hope you enjoy!

Do you read your own reviews?

"I don’t read the reviews anymore; I don’t have to if I don’t want to. I don’t feel obliged to. But then someone always sends you a text, you’re lying in bed on Sunday morning and you think, ‘I know there’s going to be some reviews in the papers today, I’ll have to avoid the papers,’ and then you look at your phone and someone says, ‘I wouldn’t read the observer today’, ‘Oh for God’s sake shut up!’. So people do let you know, usually your friends. But you don’t have to read anything you don’t want to. And why should you? With films it’s slightly different. You would read the reviews because you really need to know about the box office. With a movie you really want to know how the movie’s going to do on the first weekend. Otherwise by next weekend it’s dead, it’s gone, it’s out. So you might want to know about that, or how it’s doing in America, or how it’s doing in Denmark as opposed to Spain. But you don’t have to take any notice."

How do you deal with criticism?

"Well it depends on what criticism it is, doesn’t it, whether it comes from somebody you respect who has something to say; somebody who might say to you ‘You could have done a bit better with that’, that’s a better idea than you saw, that would be an interesting thing to say. If someone says ‘I think your writing is no good at all, it’s sort of hopeless’ you wouldn’t take any notice of that. You wouldn’t be interested in that. So really it depends on who you’re listening to and whether you want to listen to other people. I think you should listen to other people but that’s not the same as reading the newspapers, where they say ‘Hanif Kureishi’s career has been in decline for a long time’ and you think, that may be the case, but I have to carry on writing."

With novels do you prefer to write in patchwork style or in chronological order?

"I do it in patchwork. What you’re doing really as a writer is you’re surfing, you’re trying to find a wave and get on it, and that wave is your own excitement and your own interest. If I’m interested in something in the morning then I’ll do that, because I know there’s a bit of libido there, a bit of excitement there, there’s a bit of enthusiasm. And then when that runs out I’ll look for another bit of libido and enthusiasm and I’ll get onto that bit. And it’s that that drives you. If you’re sitting there doing something and you think ‘I don’t want to do this, it’s awful, this is dead, it’s boring,’ there’s absolutely no point in you doing it, so you’re looking for a bit of buzz, and you might think, oh I’ll write a bit from the end, a bit from the middle, a bit here and there and eventually you’ll link it up, it doesn’t matter as long as you’re working. And everybody has their own process. That’s how I work now, I didn’t work like that when I was 25, but I work like that now."

Have you ever had a moment where you thought 'This isn’t working; I give up'?

"I’ve had some really bad times. Some really bad times where I thought the game is really up.I’ve written say, two or three things, and neither of them have done very well; they weren’t very good. I wasn’t going to make a living and I thought ‘Fuck it, what am I going to do now? I’m going to have to become a teacher.’ Times were really hard. And then I recovered, but it was touch and go. There are times when you think, ‘I can’t, I’ve got three kids, I can’t support these kids doing this, I just can’t get them through it. I can’t earn enough money doing this, and I haven’t got any ideas and it’s just not going well.’ It’s really tough to do it, not be a writer, but to make a living as a writer, they are different things. We can all sit at home and write but not everyone can make a living from it. So it has been really tough at times, really difficult. But last night I was having dinner with two friends, two male friends, really bright men, and I was talking to them and I thought, ‘Both of your lives have been really difficult.’ Both of these men have been though things that would really stretch you and I thought ‘Living in the world is really difficult, for everybody.’ And these men are really bright and capable, two blokes but they’ve had really hard times, but they’ve come through. So it’s seems to be that living in the world, and it being really difficult, and it being extremely painful, with a lot of suffering involved was the natural state of things. It’s really just your capacity to deal with that. It seemed to me touch and go but I got through. I was lucky, and grateful when I got through as a writer. And it’s to do with my talent but it’s also to do with circumstance, and also to do with luck. It’s fantastic to have been a writer, and to be a young writer, that’s bloody hard. There’s so much self-doubt, and nobody wants you; nobody wants new writers, there’s no necessity for there to be another short story. You’ve got to make the world aware that it needs this. You’ve really got to sell it. You’re selling stuff to people that they don’t want. But you can get through it if you work."

Should a story have a hidden meaning?

"The problem is that everything is a metaphor. You try and write it literally; someone writes a story about an alien and then you think, ‘Why do you feel like an alien? You’re the alien, why do you feel that way? Is it for instance to do with your family?’ So you couldn’t help that. There’s always a multiplication of meaning, you can’t fix the meaning. That’s the problem. You say something to somebody and they take it the “wrong” way. And in that space, there is creativity, people begin to think. So you can’t fix the meaning, even Gaddafi can’t fix the meaning. You can’t hold the meaning down, it just slips away all the time, I’m afraid. So there will be hidden meanings, other people will interpret things differently, about what you say, about who you are, everything, about your dreams; meaning slips all the time. And that’s what it is that enables people to be creative, they hear things. If you told me a story about an alien, I’d hear it in a way that would make me think what an alien was, for you, and you couldn’t stop me thinking that, you couldn’t pin it down. So you will have communicated to me more than what you meant. But that happens in all human interaction too, so I could see something in what you say that you couldn’t see yourself. That would be interesting, but it would be hell for you. Because you can’t fix the meaning. That’s what dictators do, dictators want to fix the meaning. They say, ‘That’s the meaning, and there aren’t any other meanings, you’re not even allowed to think of the other meanings’, and that is fascism. That’s not what we do as writers, we try to create meaning, and to create works of fiction, that create more meanings, and multiply meaning, and that is really what it is to be creative."

Bright Splinters Of The Mind

Just as I predicted, all of my work for uni has come at once. Soon I'll be overloaded like I was in December/January all over again. I've decided to try and start earlier; today I've been making revision cards for Systems of Language, starting with Phonetics. There are just so many things to remember though. Luckily my memory is pretty extensive so as long as I go over the notes enough times it should be fine. The test is worth 40% of the module so I hope it goes well. After this week I only have three weeks left of my first year.. madness! It's gone so quickly. I still think it's ridiculous that in the whole year only 5 months of those are spent at university. Why not squeeze the whole course into a year and a half and get it over and done with! Tim gave me a book today about research on Autistic savants which is amazing. I'm only about a third of the way through so far but it's so interesting. Obviously it's also really interesting for me to learn more about autism as I have a high-functioning type of it. It's such a strange and complex thing; I'm not sure I'll ever completely understand it. And it's so under-researched. It's called Bright Splinters of the Mind and I really recommend it. Once I'm finished I'll probably review it and post that up here. I haven't been posting as much as I should and I'll try to put that right. I've been quite busy, and I've got lots of work coming up as I said. But I'm enjoying my time here though; can't wait for it to be summer, Kingston's such a beautiful place. Picnics on the green and lazy days by the river. I just can't wait for all the work to be over and summer to begin; the longest summer of my life!

Postsecret - 13/03/11

It's Sunday and I'm actually awake; this is new! Just checked out the Postsecrets for this week, and you can see them by clicking right here!

This secret jumped out at me and I immediately claimed it as my own. It happens all the time. The latest example... I manage to get four firsts at uni for my first semester but things still manage to turn upside down and go wrong. Things are going right but I don't feel good about it, just sad and angry. But it shouldn't be like that; it's like I'm purposely sabotaging my own life... what's that about?

Stop For A Minute And Smile

Today I got told I was a ray of sunshine. It really made my day. Dave says it's amazing how smiley I can come across despite being the most depressed person he knows. I say he doesn't know enough people if that's what I am. I'm just low. Then high. Then low again.. that's how Bipolar works. And he knows that because he is too. I really like Dave, he's brilliant. I think that's why we get on so well. He's completely on my level. He's one of the lovely people who's kept me going this week. I felt about ready to drop off the planet, I turned into the Tazmanian devil on Monday and went a bit crazy but I'm okay now. I wrote a blog post earlier in the week but I didn't post it, because it was just how I felt at the time. I nearly posted it, but it was too much. Too far gone for here. We talked outside for ages, Dave, Irenie and I about this guy called Andre who is a nutter. He is just too brilliant for words. I can't even describe him in a way that would credit him like he deserves; so many funny stories. Dave's been secretly recording the stupid things he says and is going to make me a CD. AMAZING. So I'm a ray of sunshine. That makes me smile.

Hide And Seek

So it's March. Match was supposed to be the month that we started house hunting. But now that it's here I can't think of anything I'd like to do less. And it's far too late to try and find other people to live with, maybe I could find myself a one-bed flat or something.. I don't know. I don't know what to do, and it's getting me down so much. I'm so unorganised, I'm so young in my head and the autism doesn't help.. it's such a challenge to think about these sorts of things. When I was younger it didn't seem like such a problem but life is catching up with me and overtaking me and not bothering to look back. It's like children with Asperger's seem to have more adult qualities, but adults with it seem to have more childlike qualities. I don't know. I'm so muddled up and you're bombarding me from every direction. No I don't want to live in a house that the uni inspects all the time.. I want to live in my own place separate from the uni. I'm fed up already with being checked on all the time in halls. Next year is supposed to be about freedom. So I'm not texting back, I'm not replying to your facebook messages and I'm not commenting on what you wrote on my wall. I'm hiding. I'll just stay here and play my guitar loud enough so that people can tell I'm still alive from time to time. I want to press pause on life and then lose the remote. But I have oreos, so it can't all be bad. It just feels like it's all bad. It really does feel that way.