Snowy Thoughts

I walked home in the snow and thought about a lot of things. I should never have fallen for you. It makes everything so complicated, and it's so hard to look at you and not thing of you in that way., I know you're just my friend and nothing more, but one day I'll ask you about what you said that time, whether you meant it or not. I don't see why you'd lie. You said today you'd never cheated, but you were in front of her. It's always different when she's not there with listening ears. I like making footprints in the snow, and I might just have written your initials in it. I'm so childish somethings, but it's always the little things. And now I'm here, listening to the song beneath the song, there's always meaning behind everything. So many song shad meaning to me on my way back tonight. I felt like crying but the tears never came. It's getting to that horrible time of year again, and the ice on the roads just makes me think about it more. It'll break me if something tragic happens again. Tomorrow is the day of the accident, and the day after is a year since Jordan died. I better whip out the waterproof mascara, because there's going to be some serious crying happening. I genuinely cannot believe it's been a year. I'm going back on Thursday to see everyone and celebrate Jordan's life. I really fucking miss her. It's not fair. But on the brighter side, you just sent me what I think is my favourite text you've ever sent me. You said you can't wait til we live together. And to be perfectly honest, neither can I.

Back On Track

I've taken some time off blogging, I'm sorry. I just had to sort my head out a bit and I didn't really have much I felt like sharing. But I'm getting back on track. I'll do my postsecret blogs either tonight or tomorrow, then blog of the week, then this time last year until I'm pretty much up to date. I've kept meaning to blog, but just haven't actually got around to doing it. I've got lots of things to talk about. I've also had lots of work to do, and I still do, for uni. I've got lots of assignments due in soon which really need work doing on them. Unless I really want to fail, which I don't. I think I'm meant to be going out tonight but I'm really not feeling it. I want to stay in and watch a film but I really ought to do something productive instead. So. That's you all caught up a bit, and I'll blog again later. Let's get this back on track. :)

Then I'll Know

That moment in the stairwell, five floors up could have been so much more. It could have been the make or break. I really must stop comparing this to Soph, but it was just like the moment outside Carr & Bury; 'Stop walking away from me'. They both used the same words. You said that when people cheat, they shouldn't tell. We so nearly spoke about what happened. So close, inches away. Abby told me to talk to you about it but I can't bring myself to. So I guess you haven't told her. Not that there's much to tell but technically it was still cheating. We means we could carry this on, if there was anything to carry on. If you still mean what you said. I don't know whether or not you did but it bloody well felt like it. I upset you yesterday. Erica said you felt rejected because I was ignoring you, missing your calls and not telling you what was wrong. I just can't tell you. You'll think I'm a twat, a stupid, stupid bitch hung up on one little insignificant moment. I am. But I don't want you to know that. I wanted our stairwell moment to be a Derek and Meredith moment. Maybe we should spend more time together alone in elevators. I need to reignite the spark but I don't know how. I also need to stop thinking all these things and dwelling on all this. I will someday. December 7th. I'll stop then. Because then I'll know.

Yesterday's Words

Stop asking because I'll never tell you. Maybe you should do your research and find this blog and work it out for yourself you stupid bitch. I have to keep it this way, distant, removed, or I'll never get over this minor blip on my radar. It'll evolve into a huge fatal plane crash and as much as I'm ready to give up I don't want that. So please just stop asking. Stop thinking about me, I don't matter. Just forget that I ever existed and forget that we ever tried to be friends. I can't be your friend and I know that. So stop trying; it won't work. I'm on edge. Nervous. How will I react when you walk in? I'm planning on not looking. Never making eye contact. And not speaking. And definitely no hugs because I can't work that way anymore. I wonder when somebody will ask me: Why are you always writing in that stupid notebook? Why can't you just use words out loud like everybody else? But I'm gripping it tightly in case anyone tries to snatch it from my hands. It's a good distraction, it's a good excuse not to look up when you arrive. This way I can remain in my own little words and hope you don't appear and wake me up from my dream where I block everything out. NMF is going well. Ship shape. Please just stop texting. All of you. How long will it take you to figure out that I've stopped caring. Stopped dreaming of the impossible. It's easier this way. And I still can't believe that I let myself think those things in the first place. I want to be back at square one. No friends, no awkward connections, nothing. Take me back to the start. I want to go back to before I met you. Simpler times - yes please.

This Time Last Year 17/11/10

I'm late doing this, but I've given up thinking of excuses and to be honest caring. I'm doing it now.

This is from 21st November 2009; there was a post closer to exactly a year ago, but I'm guessing I was drunk as it's illegible, and dated '19th of Nobember 2908'. So let's not let you read that one, have this one instead.

'The sky tonight looks like a fairy tale. Like in a Disney movie. It's picturesque. Beautiful. It's the kind of sky we ought to be laying under, warm but frozen at the same time. I miss you Sophie. I miss you far too much. London was nice today. This film is good though. It's the teacher fantasy. Mmm. Ughhhh I miss you. Come and lay under the stars with me and we'll make everything right again.'

That doesn't need much explaining. Check back on Tuesday for an attempt at an on-time 'This Time Last Year'.

Forgive Me

I have been such a fool. I'm not playing this game anymore. I hate myself and I'm not doing it anymore. It only causes trouble. I'm not up to this. I can't do it anymore. I don't know how I ever thought it could happen. I was so wrong to compare it to Soph. It's not the same at all one bit. I didn't know Sarah. But I do know your Sarah. And I'm such an idiot. My mind is fucked. So, so fucked up. Why did I think it might just work? I have had a huge internal fight with myself to come to this decision, but it's not going to happen. I will stop looking at you, even if it hurts me. Every time I think of you I will punish myself because it's so unthinkably wrong. I am twisted. Dark and twisty and screwed up. I need to stop this now, I should have listened to the people who told me to stop. It only hurts me, and I'm sure it hurts you too. I won't hold your hand anymore, or text you, or think about you. I'm going to find other people to live with next year, and do my best to cut you out of my life. It's for the best. It's going to hurt trying to stop. It's really going to cut deep. 'It's better, better than music, better than words to be with you, but better that we're apart. Can't you feel it? It's taken me over, it's left me for dead like Ophelia'. I don't know what the hell was going on in my head when I allowed myself to think for even a second that something might come of this. I've been crying and writing, beating myself up, growing increasingly angry at myself for letting the few moments we've had take over my thoughts. And I wish it could happen. But it really, really can't. I'm sorry. Please forgive me. I was meant to see you tomorrow at the meeting. I'm really considering not turning up, not answering anybody's phone calls or texts asking where I am. I've deleted comments on facebook, removed myself from pictures, pretended nothing ever happened. It didn't. Nothing ever happened. And nothing ever will happen. I'll be alone forever, but it will be for the best. I thought about cutting everyone out of my life, and I haven't cast that thought aside, I may just go through with it. Pretend I never met you, never met your girlfriend and never met your immature friend who drives me up the wall. You aren't my friends anymore. You never existed to me. Figments of my imagination, purely. My imagination runs away with me sometimes, and I wish it didn't. I can't believe I invented this whole situation. I'll keep telling myself I did until I believe it from the bottom of my heart. My heart will ache, my body will stiffen, I'll remain untouched and unspoken about, and unspoken to, until I fade away. Until it emerges that I never existed. I was never here, you never knew me. I know you'll forget me quickly. What was I to you? One quick kiss, a bit of fun for one night. It doesn't excuse the fact that you cheated on her. I was the mistress for one insignificant moment. But no more. I am nothing. I was never here. You never knew me. I don't exist. But if you do remember, think about it one day, wonder where I went and why, just know that I am so sorry. If I thought I could be just your friend I'd beg for your forgiveness. I do want that, but it can't happen. So I say forgive me, just in case you ever stumble upon these words and realise who the writer was. But I don't need your forgiveness if I'm to just fade away. I don't need anything. I definitely do not need you. But regardless of forgiveness, I'm sorry. Please know that. For once in my life, I am sincerely sorry. Hate me if you want, if anything that will make it easier. Just know that I'm ashamed, broken, burned and crumbling away with the sheer force of these three words. I'm so sorry.

One Month

So here we are, a month after I started this blog. I never, ever would have imagined that I'd have over 1,300 hits, many of those being from countries I've never even visited. Thanks to everyone who's taken the time to read even one of my blog posts. I've made blogs before, but none of them ever survived for longer than about 40 posts. But I'm up to 87 posts on here, and still going strong. I'm amazed I've still managed to find things to write about! A lot has changed in this month. A real lot actually. I ought to read over my blog posts from the start, see exactly what's changed but I don't have the time. Tomorrow I'll have been here at university for two whole months, and I'm finding that so hard to believe; it's gone so quickly. I'm loving it though. And four day weeks are amazing. I suppose that's what has made it all gone so fast, that and the sheer amount I've been sleeping! But yes, here's to another month of successful blogging, new ideas, new words, and another complete change by December 14th. I used to hate change, but I realise now that it gives me things to write about. It contributes to my creativity. So here's to change, but not too much!

Blog Of The Week - 15/11/10

Every week I pick someone else's blog to be my blog of the week. This week I stumbled upon Nothing To Do With Arbroath, which you can visit by clicking here! It's a collection of strange and unusual pictures, videos, news articles and more. It's updated daily and it's really interesting absolutely hilarious... definitely worth checking out. There are archives on the site dating back to January 2005, and if I had the time I'd go through all of them. Make sure you give it a visit, it'll be well worth it.

Postsecret 14/11/10

I'm late once again, I am getting worse and worse at sticking to a timetable. It's Monday again, instead of Sunday, and I don't really have a decent excuse this time round. But I've only just got around to looking at the Postsecrets for this week, so here we go. Check out this week's Postsecrets for yourself by clicking here! I hope you find one that you can adopt as your secret.

This is my secret from the Postsecrets this week. I don't really have much to say about it because to be honest, I don't really know exactly how I feel. If you've read any of my recent blogs you will know what I mean by that. There's a girl I call Izzie. And I can't seem to bring any of the things that happen with us in the night world into the day. Things only happen after dark, after stupid amounts of alcohol. So this is my secret. Because I'd love it if you'd hang out with me in the real world.

Every week I look back into the Postsecret archives and find an old secret that I can say is mine. This week the secret isn't that close to a secret of my own, but it's the same principle really. In Year 11 I skipped my two day long mock Art GCSE because I couldn't find my iPod, and I simply couldn't imagine sitting in silence for all those hours. So instead I went to London and had the time of my life. And I never felt guilty once. In fact I was proud of my U grade in my mock, how many people can say that they failed an art exam?! Check back next Sunday, I'll try and be on time next week, for more secrets that I call my own from Postsecret!

A Parallel Universe

I think, somehow, my body must have split into two separate parts, and entered parallel universes. One, the real world, the world we live and breathe in every day. The other, a world of partying, a world that we only exist in in an intoxicated state. It wasn’t a date, I never meant to refer to it as a date, it was just another example of my parallel universe. I definitely prefer that universe. If I could be there all the time I would, it's simpler. There's far less to worry about. I'm not saying that I'd like to be intoxicated all the time, I'd just like to live in the world where the things happen that happen when I'm intoxicated. If that makes sense. Last night. There was no defining kiss, nothing that stood out. But there were those moments again, not as intense but they were definitely there. Just glances, and long lingering looks that I shouldn't have maintained but neither should she. I don't love the fact that the parallel universe only happens every once in a while. If there was anything to progress, it progresses so slowly this way. So I want to live in the intoxicated world where I could look at you that way all the time and it might turn into something. But where I really live is the real world. Things don't happen in the real world - well if they do, they are extremely rare. I had it two years ago. Maybe I missed my only chance. It started properly on December 7th, and continued into February. So I'm giving you until the 7th of December. And if you can't bring the things from the favourable universe into this one, I'm giving up. I can't wait forever, and I know you have things you need to stick to. So. Let me know, in your own special way. May it be another kiss. May it be touching hands again. May it be your hands all over me. May it be more. Whatever, just let me know. Because if it stays this way, where only dreams of the perfect can exist in this world, if it stays with two separate relationships in separate universes, if it stays the same, I don't know what I'll do. I haven't even known you that long. I don't even know if I can be your friend. But I so want to, it's ridiculous how well we get on, and how we both want the same things and have the same embarrassing taste in women. How can two people exist that are effectively the same soul in two different bodies, with nothing happening. It may even be the case that it's too similar to qualify for friendship. I don't know. So you have until the 7th of December to prove something to me. And if you can't, I will try to be your friend. It's probably healthier that way, but if I can't, don't blame me, okay? You should never have told me what you did. It made everything so bloody complicated. And as exciting as the looks in the parallel universe are, I'm not sure they're enough to keep me going for much longer than I'm giving you. So think of it what you will, not that you will ever know, a finish line, a barrier to scale, whatever you like. I'd like to say I'm giving you an out, but there's nothing to run from yet. So I'm giving you an in. Shift it all from that universe to this. And make me smile. And do that stupid smile of mine that I've missed. "Someone make me do that stupid happy noise again? It's so funny and I love it."

Come Fly With Me

Some days you text back like lightning. I'm seeing you in two and a half hours. Excited? Not exactly, just feeling rather average about it all. Which insinuates that it'll be back to us just being great friends. I don't know what it will be like but I don't predict that anything will happen, even if I am staying over. She'll be there and it's against the rules. I was so wrong comparing what happened to Soph, because that actually was something and this just... isn't. She's texting me now, she wouldn't be if she knew some of the things I've thought or posted here in the last couple of weeks. Oh well. We won't have any time alone, it'll be awkward, Erica will be there and to be perfectly honest I'm not cool with her yet. I don't want her to be there. But nevertheless I've straightened my hair again, I'm making an effort. Why not. Let's all get off our faces and fly away.

Things I Can't Have

Really don't have much to say today. I need to stop wanting things that I can't have. And I need to face the realisation that I actually can't have the things I want that I can't have. I'm not sure if that made sense. I had such a great time with the H block lot last night at the pub, then back at Hannah's eating paper and raving to Florence and the Machine and Mystery Jets. Still can't believe we walked in on what we walked in on though. Scarred for life! But I bought crumpets today, so everything is well in the world. I also bought the cheap version of Nutella which tastes awful. Well done me. Sometimes attempts to save money just do not work. I didn't have the chocolate spread on my crumpets, because frankly that's just wrong, but I did try a little bit on a spoon and my face told the whole story. Ugh. But I had marmite on my crumpets, because that is the way forward. Early night (ish) tonight I think, nothing to do. Tomorrow. Tomorrow. Tomorrow. I'm not really looking forward to it really. There's just no point in me even going because I'll look at you and it will make everything a hundred times worse in my head and you won't look at me. But we can be friends. That is what we shall be. It's simpler that way. I can't deal with complicated right now. I can't deal with wanting things that I can't have.

Gigs & Desires

Went into uni today for my one hour seminar, where I was one of only three people who turned up. Sometimes I wonder if I'm too eager. I'm erm, seeing Izzie tomorrow. For the first time since. I really want to go to an Imogen Heap gig. Like right now. She's just such an amazing lyricist and I want to get lost in that amazingness. Everyone I listen to is always somehow even more phenomenal live. I'm not sure how that works. Got a Nerina Pallot gig in December which I'm really excited about, but nothing else musical on my schedule. I need to book some gigs. But yes, I'm seeing her tomorrow and I hope it won't be awkward or anything. Going to get wasted to celebrate my 1st for my writing piece, and just for the sake of it really. It will be good to see her, but I'm back in that frame of mind where I don't know what's going to happen. 'Just take me home, come on, and get me undressed'. I don't know what I want. I want a good night, and with her I'm sure it will be, but that's all I'm sure of. I never know what I want in life. I just live every day as it comes. Pubbing it now, I know I want a drink. Maybe I'll think about tomorrow and what will happen. But not so much that it drives me insane.

If It Does...

I promise.

Suicide On A Spring Morning

Haven't really had much to blog about today. But I got my first pieces of work back for Creative Writing, and on the 250 word piece I got 6 marks off a 1st. It's not the final draft so it can still be edited but I was really pleased with that. But then I got my 750 word piece back, and I got a 1st :D So since I don't really have much else to say today, I thought I'd let you have a read. It's a bit dark and depressing, but I chose from a number of options to write about Suicide on a Spring morning. It needs a bit of editing before the final submission in January, but here it is for now. So... I hope you like it! Feel free to comment with any suggestions or responses!

The world was just waking up, dawn was casting light and long shadows over the dew-ridden grass. In the deserted playground a breeze brought faint hopes of life to the swings; they rocked hesitantly, creaking. The wind whipped up and a child’s glove raced across the tarmac, dancing to a near silent beat. The roundabout and climbing frame cast long dark shadows, but none darker or more elongated than that of the dead body hanging from the helter-skelter. Tied up with thick rope, thirty feet in the air, it too swayed gracefully in the bitter wind of the April morning.

I glanced down at my own shadow, blackening the grass, and that of my dog, who too had stopped in his tracks. It can’t have been later than half past five, but I had no means of checking. I never usually walked my dog at this hour, in fact I was never usually awake at this time. But right now my eyes were wide open; I’d come especially to see if he’d gone through with it. He had, he’d succeeded if the lifeless corpse before me was anything to go by. I was the only one left, and I’d be gone by the end of the week. I slipped a frozen hand into my pocket and let countless pills run through my fingers like grains of sand. Watching him there, dead before my eyes only made me more certain of my plan. After Elyssa and Shay had given up the battle just two weeks ago, he’d been the only one left for me to turn to. And now he’d joined them.

I’d spoken to him the night before, he’d seemed distressed, a feeling I knew all too well, and he bore a hopeless tone of voice that I recognised from my last meeting with Elyssa. I wished I’d been able to help him, but he was beyond repair, and the fight in me had drained out so profusely that I couldn’t even try. He’d told me through tears that he had written me a letter; last night just after ten, his final words to me; a suicide note laced with explanation and perhaps even an apology. But I was too afraid to approach him, to scale the helter-skelter, to stare into his drained grey face with lips bluer than an ocean and fumble around in a dead man’s pocket.

Fighting back the tears I decided in that moment that tonight would be the night. I knew I had enough to finish it. My palms were growing sweaty with my fingers clasped tightly around a fistful of tablets. They weighed one side of my coat down morbidly. I wondered how long it would take for my heart to cease beating. Too long I presumed. I wondered how long it would be before he was discovered; not long surely. The other early morning dog walkers would be out soon, along with eager children yearning for two minutes to play on the swings before school. The reality was that those two minutes would probably haunt them for all eternity.

Looking up at his body for the last time, I wondered if he and I would make the news as Shay and Elyssa had done. I wasn’t sure… teen suicide; they’ve heard it all a hundred times before. It’s repetitive, uninteresting. Tragic, but inevitable. But the tragedy was wearing off on me. I’d seen too much, I knew too much, I’d lost too much to be hurt like I should have been. He’d been dead for a long time though, it was only now that his body had caught up with his soul. That had pained me more, watching him waste away, it was almost like he was being buried alive. But now he was at rest, and I’d be with him soon. That was as comforting as it could have been, given the situation. My soul mate was gone, and all I had left was sorrow.

A dog barked somewhere in the distance, prompting mine to follow suit, and with that I left the scene. My dog and my shadow followed close behind, closer than I felt comfortable with. I quickened my pace, petrified of being caught there, but desperate to while away my last few hours. The sun was peeking over the treetops, painting pinks and oranges into the duck-egg blue canvas. The last sunrise I’d ever see, and it was remarkably beautiful, hindered only slightly by his silhouette in the foreground.

This Time Last Year 9/11/10

So this is my new thing for Tuesdays, called This Time Last Year. Each week I'll look back into my iPod diaries from last year, and give you a paragraph of my words, thoughts and feelings from a year ago. So here is an extract from 11th November 2009:

'Fed up. Fed up of my job. And having to always work with the perv. Aghh. Tearing my hair out. However sexy alex told me to add her on facebook :) ha. Poppy day today.. And my great grandad was 100 the other day, wahey. We had a little party which was nice. Gotta print out the pictures tonight, erm, yeah. I'm tired and I don't want to work, this job is long. Listening to Lily Allen and having a party in my head. Gonna pop some up later and take myself out of it all slightly. Gahhhhh.'

Firstly I really don't know what 'popping some up later' means?! It's nothing to do with drugs, so, I'm confused. Okay I think I've just figured it out. I think it means pop some lyrics up on my door. (I write lyrics on my door) And these ones would be Lily Allen ones, I think I remember doing that. So don't think badly of me!! :) And also the bits I wrote about my job... how funny. This was when I really wanted to quit my job but when I tried, they promoted me instead!

Anyway, come back next Tuesday to see the next episode of 'This Time Last Year'!

Loveology

In the library and there are no free computers anywhere, on any of the three floors. And I have absolutely no work to do how that I've done all my assignments. Apart from one that's due in in January, but I'm definitely not doing that yet. I should have brought my Creative Writing folder with me. Izzie texted me today, and when I asked whether her phone was fixed she said that she had a replacement. I'm not sure if I believe that. This day a week ago was the happiest I've been in ages, everything just seemed to be going right. But once again she hasn't texted back, but I'm not being such a fool today; I'm not breaking down. Erica said she'd see me today and give me a big hug, but I haven't seen her. Oh well. I just got so bored that I did a 9 mark question from my January assignment. Yay me! It feels good to actually have some of it out of the way. It was the section on what we covered in the lecture today, so it was probably beneficial completing it whilst it was still fresh in my mind. I still find it odd referring to people with fake names, but it's necessary, just in case the people in question stumble upon my blog. They don't have twitter so they shouldn't, but you never know. I write my feelings out here, and they don't need to know everything I say about them. I'm protecting them really. I've got a number of things to do tonight, including replying to you, writing up my 'This time last year' blog and probably some uni work for tomorrow that I've had all week to do but haven't, oh and some filing. Fun. My priorities aren't right, but at least I'm more organised than I ever used to be. I'm dying to get the assignment back that I handed in yesterday, I want to know how I did. It's such a long wait. I think I messed up the Plagiarism question though. I'll just listen to one more song, then I'll go to my seminar. Loveology - Regina Spektor. Perfect. At least I did some productive things to while away the hour, like writing this and completing this question. I'm definitely getting better. I'm really loving how this notebook is gradually filling up with all my scrawlings. It looks so much more interesting now. Youology, Meology, Loveology, Kissology, Stayology, Pleaseology. I'd really like to study Loveology. They should really teach it, everyone would be able to learn something. It would be intriguing. And everything would be that little bit less complicated.

A Year's Worth Of Thoughts And Feelings

So I had a new idea, whilst I was at home for the week. It requires a little bit of a background story so here we go. A few weeks ago my iPod touch broke. And ever since I got it in October 2009 I have been using the notes application to keep a sort of diary, it's what I used before I made this blog to note down all my thoughts and feelings. Anyway, when my iPod broke I thought I'd lost all the notes I'd made, a year's worth of thoughts and feelings, so I was completely gutted. Anyway, whilst I was at home I managed to use my brother's iPod touch to restore it to my backup, recovering all my old notes. So I spend two hours copying and pasting each and every one into one big note, which I then emailed to myself. So now I have a year's worth of thoughts and feelings with nowhere to post them. I thought about putting them here, but this is for here and now, and the notes are there and then. So I had an idea, based vaguely on something that my local newspaper does back home. The newspaper picks articles from 'this day 50 years ago' or 'this day 100 years ago'. So I'm going to do the same, but 'this day 1 year ago', since I usually wrote a note every day. Hopefully it'll work and make some sense! So it's going to be my Tuesday thing, because Sunday's have my Postsecret blog and Monday's have Blog of the Week. So starting tomorrow, get ready for 'This Time Last Year'. Yay!

Merge

I'm going to merge all the things I have to say into one blog post. Firstly, 1,000 views.. WOOO. I'm really impressed, seeing as I've not even been writing this blog for a month. Thank you to all my viewers! Secondly, I wanted to say this yesterday but I was so busy with uni work that I didn't get a chance to blog, but Happy 101st Birthday to my Great Grandad, who's birthday it was yesterday. I wasn't at home to see him but I did go and visit him on Friday, but he was mainly sleeping. Apparently my mum told him yesterday that I went to visit him on Friday and he said 'Why didn't you wake me?!' Bless him :) 101 is quite an age though isn't it. I hope I live to be that old. Today I've been working on my 750 word piece for Creative Writing. I think it went quite well, especially after some editing from the lovely Kristina. On a completely unrelated note, I will reply to what you said at some point soon, I haven't completely ignored it and I do have things to say about what you said. And I promise I will do soon. Tomorrow if you're lucky. But I just haven't had the time to think about it enough to string together a response. But I will. Anyway. I have things to do and pizza to eat. And I gave into temptation and gave up with NMF. It didn't alst long, but I'll pick it up again at some point. And yes, it's still written on my hand. Merge. Merge. Merge.

Blog Of The Week! 8/11/10

That's right.. it's blog of the week time again! My favourite blog that I've seen this week just has to be Must Share Hair.. which you can visit by clicking here! It's basically a blog full of pictures that are the opposite of bad hair days. Good hair days. Some of them are amazing. You can submit a picture to the website, and become famous if you have great hair. The blog has been running since 2009, it's definitely worth checking out!

Postsecret 7/11/10

Oopsie, late again! I have been so busy doing my uni work I've missed two days worth of blogging. So it's catch up time. I haven't even had time to look at the Postsecrets this week, so I'm going to do that now, and pick my secret of the week. Check this week's Postsecrets out by clicking here!!

Firstly, I'm not a twin and I never have been, so this isn't really my secret. But before I was born, my mum had a miscarriage, so I would have had an older brother or sister. She also had another miscarriage after I was born, so I would have had another younger brother or sister too. I think this is probably why I've never felt comfortable being the oldest child. I think I wouldn't have felt so separated from my brothers if there had been five of us; I might have had a connection with unborn brothers or sisters that I don't have with my younger brothers. I wouldn't say that I resent my unborn siblings but I do feel sad that I never got to meet them. So that's my secret for this week, interpreted in my own little way.

So this is a secret from September 2005, which incidentally is around the time I started self harming. At the beginning I was really ashamed of my scars; I'd wear long sleeves, long gloves, even leg warmers on my wrists sometimes. But with time I grew more used to them, and now I can look at them as diary entries, instead of just scars. They all have meaning, I know what caused each one, they all tell a different story and remind me what I've been through. I'm not saying that I'm glad that I have them, for years I wanted a skin transplant on my arm to cover them up. I've just grown to be more confident in myself, and I can go out without long sleeves these days. A few people have asked me about them at uni, and more than one person has said how brilliant it is that I don't feel that I have to hide myself because of them. So this was my secret, but isn't anymore. Yay for confidence!!

Blah

I read over what you wrote quite a few times, and now I'm reading it again. I would obviously notice, maybe not as quick as those close to you but I'd notice and it would really affect me. I hope you do explain further one day about what you said. And I'm sorry I never replied to that email, I didn't know what to say, I hadn't expected you to say what you did. I think I even said that I felt the same, not wanting things to happen, so it would be easier. I've got to stop doing that. I make myself believe things, say things that I don't mean then trick myself into thinking I meant those words. It doesn't make things easier, it makes things more complicated. Because I can never work out which things I meant and which things I pretended I meant at first. I know you're always there, reading into things like I do. Sometimes I give you little things to think about and wonder if you notice. I am fully aware that you do the same. It's weird, our way of doing things. I'm not complaining though. I didn't realise yours was still in place, I guess I just never asked. It means something similar, but I can't write it here. Which is strange, because this was supposed to be the place where I could write anything. At least that's how I felt with my previous blogs. But so many people I know read this, that I have to change names and replace words and be secretive, and I don't like it. I suppose I'm just protecting people from the truth. Because the truth can really hurt, it can cut so deep. So I can't tell you here. And I probably can't tell you in real words somewhere else. So figure it out. If you can. If not, don't worry. I just hope I can keep it up. Right, I think that's about

Mistaken

I thought it would be easier if she didn't text me. I was mistaken. I forgot what it feels like to be ignored, just for a second there. I'm giving up now. An apology would have been nice, I even dreamt that you've given me one, but I woke up to find that wasn't true. Oh well. So I'm going to forget everything that's happened in the past week and a bit. Well I'll try at least. I have no more to write on this subject. Except that I'm feeling pretty shit now. And it's more my fault than hers.

Marmite

Feeling quite a bit better now. Thought a lot about crumpets with marmite... Mmmm :) Going to have to buy some soon. And Lip Service is on, which always makes thing a bit better. I don't know what I'll do if she texts me tomorrow. I'm secretly hoping that she won't and that I can forget all about everything that happened. Nothing happened. There we go. But if she texts me, I'll have to think about it. I don't want to think about it. I am hungry. But there's no food. No food that's mine anyway. At least in my mini-fridge there are soya milkshakes. Not quite crumpets with marmite but they'll do. Marmite is an interesting analogy. You either love it or you hate it. Some people are like marmite. They either evoke a burning desire within you or they bring out a roaring irrational hatred that you cannot control. It's either one or the other, it can't be both, and it can't be anything else. I love marmite. Maybe that's why I tend to love more people than I hate. It's not the case however that I don't hate anyone. I have lots of issues with irrational hatred, sometimes it just burns up inside me and I can't control it and BANG, from that moment onwards I can't stand the person. I remember when that happened with my friend Jack. I couldn't stand him, I couldn't be near him, I couldn't listen to his voice or the things he said because everything just drove me up the wall. In the end it just faded away, I got over it and we pretty much went back to how it was before the irrational hatred struck me like lightening. It just happens sometimes, I can't do anything about it. It's happened at uni with a guy who I shall refer to as RJG. Agh. I'm not even going to write about it because he's just so annoying. I think people can get irrational hatred with me too, I think I'm a marmite person. You either love me, or you hate me. Unfortunately I'd say the latter was more common, but I don't know. Anyway. I really really really want crumpets with marmite now. Anyway, I should stop now, because I've written and looked at the word marmite so much that it doesn't even look like a word anymore. Goodnight.

Response

I obsess over people to cover things up. It's just the way I do things so that I can think about other things to take my mind off what I really want. I know it can never happen with 'Izzie'. And I also know that it will never happen with 'Erica'. I don't want them. I just pretend I do to make things easier. It's easier when you have someone to focus on. Focus your attention on. Because then you don't have to think about things that you've passed by and opportunities that you've passed up. Well not passed up, but, missed, I suppose. Because either it wasn't the right time, or I did something wrong that meant that things couldn't happen. I'm more aware than you think, you know. I know I did a bad thing, and I know I'll never forgive myself for letting the opportunity pass me by. I want it back. I'd do anything to have it back. But when I thought it might be coming around again, you didn't want it. I don't think I really understood why. I'm not sure you did either. I don't know why I'm saying all of this, I suppose I just needed to get it off my chest. Responding to what I read, if you understand. Everybody wants what they can't have, especially me. And everybody wants what they know they can never have. But does never have to exist? Maybe I am talking to nobody, because maybe I am responding to something that wasn't meant for me, so you won't know when you read this. But even if yours wasn't meant for me, this is meant for you. And I don't care. I've given up caring.

NMF

NMF. I wonder if it's one of the abbreviations that you used to use that went along with DNE. I don't remember, for once. But it's my abbreviation now. I'm adopting it as my own. It's now written in big pink letters on my noticeboard staring down at me, and on my hand written in permanent marker. So to speak. I hope you are the only one that will understand this. I've had a shit day. I was so happy earlier in the week but things have changed and I'm wishing I was still at home. Why did I come back? I want to be at home on my sofa and watch Grey's Anatomy for hours and hours. And see my family. And be there for my Great Granddad's 101st birthday tomorrow. Right now I don't want to be here. It might change tomorrow, but this is how I feel at the moment. And I live in the moment, so it's what matters. Ugh. I still need to do my work for Monday. And I just generally can't be bothered right now. I planned to go to the cinema and watch a scary film with 'Izzie', but in reality I'm here, alone, watching Scary Movie for the first time. I'll settle for that. It probably wouldn't have been what I'd been dreaming of anyway. It never is. NMF. It's necessary. If I ever want to be able to have control over my life in any way. Can't even be bothered to write anymore. The end.

Stop

So I gave up hope for a bit when you didn't come today. It wasn't just that you didn't come when I'd cleaned, tidied, vacuumed, lugged my guitar on the train all the way here, straightened my hair, and did a million other things to impress you. It was that you didn't even text me to tell me. And I got really upset, which I shouldn't have done. I have no reason to get upset about it. I'm a fool. I'm such a fool. But you texted me eventually. Not sure if I believed what you say but I've definitely lost some faith. Supposed to be going to the cinema later but I'm not positive that it'll happen. Oh well. So I played some guitar, did some writing, should have done my 750 word assignment, and now I'm listening to fireworks in the outside world. Everytime I look out of the window to see them though, they stop. Isn't that strange. Sod's law. I have got to stop thinking about you. I really do, it's a must. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. I don't want this to be the same as two years ago, I can't handle it. But I do want to see you. I don't know, I'm so mixed up. Just went to look out of the window and the fireworks stopped again. Life's not fair, is it.

Changes

I haven't sat here and written in a really long time. I'd say going on two years? Of course I remember what it was. I remember who I was writing about and even what colour the notebook was. It was lime green. And I'm pretty sure it was windy like this too. I'm going back to Kingston tomorrow. Back to my home away from home, back to the people I now call my friends. It's odd to think about really, the last time I travelled from here to Kingston I knew nobody there, yet seven weeks on, I'm going back to the people I know. People I am proud to call my friends. It's amazing how quickly your life can transform. My life is completely different now. Seven weeks ago I'd never have believed that my flat would go up in flames, that I'd become amazing friends with the girl who lives in the room opposite me, and be facing some crazy dilemmas regarding a certain girl who I now cannot stop thinking about. Remarkable. I'd never have believed that my course could be going so well, and that I'd be writing a blog with close to 1,000 views. It's mad. I really can't believe how much have changed. I also can't believe that this is the first time I've really sat down and thought about it in depth. My writing is going well; I'm writing every day as they advice. I'm thinking a lot, possibly too much. I wonder how much things will change between now and Christmas. It's so windy that my notebook just blew off the bench. Once again the weather matches my emotions which are in turmoil, but I understand now that all I can do is wait. So I'm waiting. Patiently. Impatiently. It's one or the other but I can't work out which. I'm doing productive things to pass the time, I think that's the way forward. I finished my assignment today. This is the first time that I can think of that I've actually done a piece of work that counts for something and finished it prior to the day before it's due in. I'm proud of myself. I'm a changed person. I didn't think about it whilst I was at uni, it just didn't cross my mind. I'm definitely more organised. I have folders for my work, still 100% attendance. My psychiatrist said that he was proud of me. And my old psychiatrist sent me a letter saying that he was proud of me too. Bless him :) I wonder how much more I'll change before I come back here again. There is no way I can know in advance. I don't know what's going to happen in the next six weeks. My whole life could change, again. I'm eager to find out, I know that much. I've written two pages in my notebook, this will probably be one of the longest just prose blogs I've written in a while. So I'll stop now, and walk back. I do like it out here though. Is it strange that I feel like I belong outside when the weather is exciting like this? Perhaps I should go and live in a tree. Although that'd be quite scary. I might sit on my windowsill later and swing my legs through nothingness like old times. Yes. That is exactly what I'll do. Let's go.

The Waiting Game

Today I realised something I should have figured out a while ago. It doesn't matter how much I think about it, the only thing I can do is wait. It's not long to wait now. But thinking about it will not influence what will happen. Only I can do that, and I can't do anything until Saturday. It didn't bother me quite as much that you didn't text back today. We spoke for a while at least. So I'm okay. I got my fix. Obviously I would've liked you to text back, but I'm okay. I just want Saturday to hurry up and get here. And after Saturday I will probably want the exact opposite, either to relive it in a different, better way, or to relive it the same way over and over again. I hope it's the latter. However, we have spoken every day since; I think that means something. I've been trying to pass the time today by doing my assignment. I've actually done quite a lot. I was trying to finish it today but I don't know if that's possible now, seeing as it's 8pm and I've still got 16 of the 40 marks to do. Shouldn't have left the hardest parts until last. I was trying to read this really long journal article that I have to read, but I felt like blogging instead. I miss you. That will be all.

Hmph

I'm not loving how my emotions seem to be based on whether or not I've spoken to you recently. You haven't texted me back. Feels a bit like an Imogen Heap song. But I'm still listening to Pink. Went up to Tesco. It hasn't really changed. Bought a scratchcard. Didn't win. Bought some hair dye. Blue. It's Wednesday. Mid-week. Tomorrow will be my last full day here. When I'm here I feel like Lynette. As if one day I'll leave the house and walk straight under a bus. I'm in a foul mood today. The worst company in the world. I'm bored of these mid-week days. I want it to be the weekend. I want to go and watch the fireworks with you. But that'll never happen. Not in a million years. But you know, it would be nice. I've always thought that fireworks night is the most romantic night of the year. Maybe another year. I'll just stay in bed and watch a film, or Grey's Anatomy, and be my lonely old self. I still need to do this stupid assignment. I just haven't got the motivation to crack on with it. I also haven't mustered up the courage to tell you that I didn't get tickets. But you haven't asked. You also haven't texted me back. Maybe tomorrow eh? It's just put me in a stupidly crap mood. And I don't know what to do about it. Hmph.

Home

I felt like I would still belong here. But I don't. I don't belong here at all. I want to go back to Kingston. I belong there now. It was my home away from home, and for a long time I was refusing to even call it home. But I think it's home now. My brother asked me that last night, whether I considered there as home now as opposed to here. I said here. But I've only just realised it's not here anymore. I don't belong here and I don't want to be here. I want to go back. I'm so fed up of this place. But what happens when my three years are up? Where will I belong then? I might belong nowhere and feel completely lost and homeless. Because how do you define 'home'? I would've said it's where you belong. But I don't know anymore. I wish my life wasn't so fucking complicated all the time. I'm fed up of all the drama. I wish things would just work in my favour for once. It would be so refreshing. Is it really meant to be this hard?

Too High

I'm flying so high, high off the ground, when you're around. And I can feel your high, touching me inside, it's too much to hide.

I'm buying the tickets tomorrow. We're going to see Heather Peace. And lust over her together. I just went outside and walked around in the high winds, grinning like an absolute idiot. I shouldn't be so happy about it. You changed your profile picture to a picture that I took. That also made me smile. I'm reading so far into the situation that I'd blind myself if I looked at it all any harder. I still wonder if you even remember, but I think you must. This is the most I've texted anybody, in, I can't remember how long. Perhaps as long as two years ago. I shouldn't be linking the two things as much. They're just so similar. I can't wait til 28th November. It will be amazing. I hope you know I'm only buying two tickets. I think you know. Mkay. I need to stop thinking right now. Turn off this overactive brain. Where the hell's the bloody off switch?!

Inconveniences

Okay, you got me red handed, I can't stop thinking about it. About you. Let me take you to see Heather Peace play? I couldn't possibly count the number of times it's gone over and over in my head today. I think I'm obsessed. Infatuated is probably the more precise term. How did I let myself get like this? Though it's been a long time since I've felt this way. Fuck. This is really inconvenient. I wish I could control my feelings more competently. I'm a bit useless really. Breathe in. Hold it. Breathe out. Repeat. I can't write now. I need to think of something witty and attractive to text back.

Will I know?

Will I know when I look you in the eye when I see you again? Will we hold eye contact for too long again? Is that how I'll know what you want? What if you look away? What if I look away? Will we hold each other for too long again? Is that how I'll know? Will our fingers touch and interlock? Will it be the same, will it be more? I can't wait to find out the answers to all these questions. And not 'I can't wait' in the way it's used these days, I physically cannot wait. I need to know now. I'm torturing myself with all these possibilities that I can't confirm. I need to know how I'll know the context of the situation. Because I think I know, but I don't trust myself to assume I'm correct. Will I know instantly? Will it take me the whole evening to figure it out? Please let it just be the two of us so I can work it out properly. Aghhhhh. I can't do this.

The Things I Miss

I've got so many thoughts that I'm having to blog again immediately after I posted the last one. I miss my home away from home. Being back here is just so strange. It's not like I thought it would be, with all my friends back at the same time. No, it appears to be just me. And I told you I'd be back to see you on Saturday, when most of my friends are returning. They're just a week later than me. It feels lonely here, which is the last thing I expected to feel. I miss the lights that are always on, it's so dark here, in the middle of nowhere. I miss going outside at any hour of the day or night and there being somebody outside to talk to and smoke with. Here the streets are empty at stupid o'clock. Well not even just at stupid o'clock, at any time after the sun sets. I miss there always being one of my flatmates around to talk to, or moan to, or whisper secrets to. I can't whisper secrets to my family. I miss pointless things, like the tap that doesn't turn off, and being able to have my television at a decent volume without anyone complaining. I miss Sunday roasts with Katy and Matt, Darren, Hannah, Antoine and Lauren, and I miss Ama-gi with the girls. I miss Jen, just because she's amazing, I miss Laura, and I even miss Yaz even though she really upset me. I miss the people on my course, and the LGBT, except for Red Jacket Guy.. I don't miss him at all. But everyone else. I can't wait to get back. It's not that I'm not grateful to be home, it's just not the same. It's strange, because life has moved on without me, and I was naive enough to not even think about that happening. I just miss the whole uni lifestyle. Take me back there? Take me back there now.

Stop Thinking

I think I might think too much. I'm always internally asking myself questions. Just in my mind, not out loud. But I voice those questions onto here, but you don't get to see all of them, only the ones that are present at the time. I've been listening to a lot of Pink lately, especially 'Who Knew', 'Leave Me Alone' and ironically 'Please Don't Leave Me'. She seems to know how I feel. I keep thinking about the kiss. Everytime I do my heart jumps a little in my chest. Seriously. If it's not the same on Saturday, I think my heart will be a tiny bit broken. Maybe it'll be like Izzie and George in Grey's Anatomy where the first time is amazing but after that they just can't seem to get it right. And I really hope it's just the two of us. What if you want to talk about things? Surely it's too early to need to talk. We should just let it happen. Yes. I've been playing a lot of guitar today. You said I'm cute when I play guitar. I've been going over 'Coin Laundry' by Lisa Mitchell, I pretty much forgot how to play it whilst I was away. I've also been going over songs that you might think are cute just in case you want to hear me play on Saturday. Oh yes, you're coming over to mine before the cinema. You said that would be perfect. All these things are just words, but in my English and lexis obsessed world I think far too far into all these things. We haven't been texting this evening. I'll text you tomorrow once I upload the pictures onto facebook. I guess tomorrow we can also talk about Lip Service. Why does Saturday have to be so far away? But then again I want the weekend to stay far away so I have more time to think about things and do my assignments. Then again maybe I shouldn't be thinking about things. I really do think too much. Once upon a time I didn't know that was possible. But I have so many thoughts right now that my fingers are racing to type them all and I just can't; some drift in and straight back out again and often I'm not fast enough. Stop thinking. Stop thinking. Stop thinking. Now.

Paranormal Activity

I'm going to the cinema on Saturday when I get back to Kingston, to see Paranormal Activity 2. Since I hadn't seen the first one, I set this evening aside to watch it. Oh my god. I was so, so scared. Jenny told me not to watch it alone, but I didn't think it would be that bad :| I'm going to have some serious nightmares now. So scared. The worst parts are the night scenes, and they got worse and worse as the film went on. I knew it wasn't going to be good from about two minutes in when I was already scared. Luckily on Saturday I'll have someone's hand to hold when I watch the sequel. I hope it's good. And I was going to say I hope it's not scary. But actually I hope it's really scary so there's an excuse to hold hands and have an arm around me maybe. Maybe that's asking too much, but I'm just saying, it'd be nice. What would be great would be if I could completely erase everything from my head and start again, a blank canvas. I feel like I have so many thoughts crowding my head, that new ones are hard to come by. All I know is I need to stop thinking about some things, and start thinking about more important things. I need to get my priorities right.

Blog Of The Week - 1/11/10

I'm getting much better at my timekeeping this week; my Blog of the Week is actually on time! This week's blog of the week is a blog I found called Cupcakes Take the Cake. Check it out by clicking here! Obviously the theme at the moment is Halloween cupcakes, but this blog really does have all you need to know about cupcakes and hundreds of pictures of the sweet little treats. I'm so hungry now from just looking at them! Definitely go and check this blog out!!

Sheeesh

Just got back from the hospital, only for a blood test. And I checked my blog. WOAH. 133 views today, and it's not even 4pm. Hello to my readers from South Korea, Switzerland, Slovenia, USA, Ukraine, Italy, Sweden, Venezuela and Malaysia and of course the UK, that have had a peek at my blog today. Now I'm just listening to Imogen Heap and whiling away the hours. We're going to the cinema on Saturday, to see Paranormal Activity 2. I wonder what will happen. I need to watch the first one beforehand, I'm useless with films. My flatmate is always asking if I've seen particular films, and I've not seen a single one she's mentioned. I'm still wondering what will happen on Saturday. I hope nobody else comes, so it can be just us. I can't let my mind go off in a dark and twisty direction. I need to focus on the here and now, and stop wondering why you haven't texted back, because you always do eventually. We have been texting continuously since Friday now. Sheeesh. I should start my assignment and take my mind off things. Yes. That'll work. Plan.