Forgive Me

I have been such a fool. I'm not playing this game anymore. I hate myself and I'm not doing it anymore. It only causes trouble. I'm not up to this. I can't do it anymore. I don't know how I ever thought it could happen. I was so wrong to compare it to Soph. It's not the same at all one bit. I didn't know Sarah. But I do know your Sarah. And I'm such an idiot. My mind is fucked. So, so fucked up. Why did I think it might just work? I have had a huge internal fight with myself to come to this decision, but it's not going to happen. I will stop looking at you, even if it hurts me. Every time I think of you I will punish myself because it's so unthinkably wrong. I am twisted. Dark and twisty and screwed up. I need to stop this now, I should have listened to the people who told me to stop. It only hurts me, and I'm sure it hurts you too. I won't hold your hand anymore, or text you, or think about you. I'm going to find other people to live with next year, and do my best to cut you out of my life. It's for the best. It's going to hurt trying to stop. It's really going to cut deep. 'It's better, better than music, better than words to be with you, but better that we're apart. Can't you feel it? It's taken me over, it's left me for dead like Ophelia'. I don't know what the hell was going on in my head when I allowed myself to think for even a second that something might come of this. I've been crying and writing, beating myself up, growing increasingly angry at myself for letting the few moments we've had take over my thoughts. And I wish it could happen. But it really, really can't. I'm sorry. Please forgive me. I was meant to see you tomorrow at the meeting. I'm really considering not turning up, not answering anybody's phone calls or texts asking where I am. I've deleted comments on facebook, removed myself from pictures, pretended nothing ever happened. It didn't. Nothing ever happened. And nothing ever will happen. I'll be alone forever, but it will be for the best. I thought about cutting everyone out of my life, and I haven't cast that thought aside, I may just go through with it. Pretend I never met you, never met your girlfriend and never met your immature friend who drives me up the wall. You aren't my friends anymore. You never existed to me. Figments of my imagination, purely. My imagination runs away with me sometimes, and I wish it didn't. I can't believe I invented this whole situation. I'll keep telling myself I did until I believe it from the bottom of my heart. My heart will ache, my body will stiffen, I'll remain untouched and unspoken about, and unspoken to, until I fade away. Until it emerges that I never existed. I was never here, you never knew me. I know you'll forget me quickly. What was I to you? One quick kiss, a bit of fun for one night. It doesn't excuse the fact that you cheated on her. I was the mistress for one insignificant moment. But no more. I am nothing. I was never here. You never knew me. I don't exist. But if you do remember, think about it one day, wonder where I went and why, just know that I am so sorry. If I thought I could be just your friend I'd beg for your forgiveness. I do want that, but it can't happen. So I say forgive me, just in case you ever stumble upon these words and realise who the writer was. But I don't need your forgiveness if I'm to just fade away. I don't need anything. I definitely do not need you. But regardless of forgiveness, I'm sorry. Please know that. For once in my life, I am sincerely sorry. Hate me if you want, if anything that will make it easier. Just know that I'm ashamed, broken, burned and crumbling away with the sheer force of these three words. I'm so sorry.