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I read over what you wrote quite a few times, and now I'm reading it again. I would obviously notice, maybe not as quick as those close to you but I'd notice and it would really affect me. I hope you do explain further one day about what you said. And I'm sorry I never replied to that email, I didn't know what to say, I hadn't expected you to say what you did. I think I even said that I felt the same, not wanting things to happen, so it would be easier. I've got to stop doing that. I make myself believe things, say things that I don't mean then trick myself into thinking I meant those words. It doesn't make things easier, it makes things more complicated. Because I can never work out which things I meant and which things I pretended I meant at first. I know you're always there, reading into things like I do. Sometimes I give you little things to think about and wonder if you notice. I am fully aware that you do the same. It's weird, our way of doing things. I'm not complaining though. I didn't realise yours was still in place, I guess I just never asked. It means something similar, but I can't write it here. Which is strange, because this was supposed to be the place where I could write anything. At least that's how I felt with my previous blogs. But so many people I know read this, that I have to change names and replace words and be secretive, and I don't like it. I suppose I'm just protecting people from the truth. Because the truth can really hurt, it can cut so deep. So I can't tell you here. And I probably can't tell you in real words somewhere else. So figure it out. If you can. If not, don't worry. I just hope I can keep it up. Right, I think that's about