This Time Last Year 7/12/10

Every week I delve back into my own blog archives that I kept on my iPod touch, and find something I wrote around this time last year, and share it with you all. Here's a post from 13th December 2009.

'13th December 2009

I can't believe we have to say goodbye to you forever tomorrow. It still doesn't even seem real, I still can't get my head around it. Jordan I can't believe your gone, you just can't be. It's all so surreal. Everything since the accident has been a blur, and nothing makes sense anymore. Everything has lost meaning. It makes no sense how you were here one day and the next it was all over. And tomorrow it's the funeral. I'm so unprepared because it hasn't even sunk in. I'm always thinking I'll see you again.. then my mind flashes back to seeing you in the mourge, you were so cold, you were gone but it just doesn't seem real, not one bit. I don't understand this. You can't be gone, how can you be gone. The thought of tomorrow is petrifying me, buy maybe it'll bring it all home, make this nightmare feel a little more like reality. I miss you chef, I really miss you. I just need to scream, and cry. Fuck. Fuck this whole thing, it's not fair at all.'

I know the 13th December isn't that near to exactly a year ago, but after Jordan passed away I stopped writing properly for a while. It was such a shock to me, to everyone. The funeral turned out to be beautiful, but horrible at the same time. The free wine at the wake made things a little better for a little while, but you can't drink it all away forever. It was lovely to meet Jordan's friends from Canvey where she used to live, and her parents. Jordan always said it would take something big to bring everyone back together again, and it did. I just wish it didn't have to take what it did. To be honest, it still hasn't really sunk in, and it's been over a year now. I wonder if it ever really will.