Despair?

Last night I thought about doing the bad thing again but my friends unknowingly stopped me. I have such great friends here. I should thank them but they wouldn't understand. We've not known each other long enough for them to understand and I appreciate that fact. They knew something was wrong. Actually it was 'things' plural but they didn't know that. I went to get my post from the front office this morning and the halls staff had drawn red flames all around my room number on the board. Which I suppose was funny to them, but wasn't quite as amusing to me. In fact it wasn't amusing at all. I'm finding it hard to control my emotions at the moment, which is usual, but what is unusual is that I've lost my ability to hide my feelings. I get angry and I can't help it. And I get upset but I can't hide these things at all. Last night I almost broke down in Wetherspoons. I want to scream but the walls are so thin here that it would disturb everyone. I don't know why I'm that bothered as there are always people making noise in the corridor disturbing me. I don't know. The contract cleaners came in this morning, and cleaned the walls of the kitchen. They've transformed from a sooty black to almost white, with a tinge of smoky grey. They made a pathetic attempt at the ceiling as well. Pathetic because it's still black with a couple of small sections that are a medium grey hue. They are supposed to be professionals! And the flat still reeks of smoke. Ughhhhh.