The Fire... Part 1

Tonight there was a fire. I can't really talk about it... I'm in too much shock. I will blog about it when I feel comfortable enough to talk about it. I just stood in the shower just now, letting the water thunder on and around me, unable to move, just thinking. Thinking so many things. I think this may be the turning point. I've been mostly happy whilst I've been here, it's as if the bipolar has been on hold. But now I feel... down. That's the easiest way of putting it. I feel on edge, uneasy, not quite here. I don't know what's going on. I can't sleep, I'm too scared of the nightmares that will surely follow. Ever since I woke up to Michaela banging my door down screaming 'FIRE', and stepped out into the choking clouds of smoke that filled the corridor, I've been back in my old ways. Distant. Disorientated. Disengaged. I really don't want to go back to the depths of where I've been before, but with my condition it is inevitable. I've never felt so haunted as I did standing out in the cold, shoeless, watching the flat go up in flames. And now I feel so lost. I think it's a bit early for post-traumatic stress, but that's what it feels like. But I should know by now that I get like this. I just don't want to get lost in another week, at least, of despair and loneliness. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to think. I'm just sitting here, frowning subconciously at the putrid smell of smoke that's lingering in every room. I feel exhausted, I feel as if I should sleep but I'm so afraid. I want to stay in bed for a week and cry, unndisturbed, to my heart's content. I can't though. Lectures, seminars, assignments, effort. I feel like if I close my eyes the place might start burning down again. I'm crying now with that fear. If it does I'll stay in here, go down with the ship. I shouldn't feel so on edge but I can't help it. And it didn't help that as I stepped out of the shower the lyrics 'Fire burning, fire burning... KINGSTON' echoed eerily through the room. Sean Kingston - Fire Burning. Coincidence? It's pretty spooky if it is.