I Wish I'd Written This

Hold me closer one more time
Say that you love me in your last goodbye
Please forgive me for my sins
Yes, I swam dirty waters but you pushed me in

I've seen your face under every sky
Over every border and on every line
You know my heart more than I do
We were the greatest, me and you
But we had time against us and miles between us
The heavens cried, I know I left you speechless
But now the sky has cleared and it's blue
And I see my future in you

I'll be waiting for you when you're ready to love me again
I put my hands up, I'll do everything different
I'll be better to you

I'll be waiting for you when you're ready to love me again
I put my hands up, I'll be somebody different
I'll be better to you

Let me stay here for just one more night
Build your world around me and pull me to the light
So I can tell you that I was wrong
I was a child then but now I'm willing to learn

But we had time against us and miles between us
The heavens cried, I know I left you speechless
But now the sky has cleared and it's blue
And I see my future in you

I'll be waiting for you when you're ready to love me again
I put my hands up, I'll do everything different
I'll be better to you

I'll be waiting for you when you're ready to love me again
I put my hands up, I'll be somebody different
I'll be better to you

Time against us, miles between us
Heavens cried, I know I left you speechless
Time against us, miles between us
Heavens cried, I know I left you speechless
I know I left you speechless

I'll be waiting
I'll be waiting for you when you're ready to love me again
I put my hands up, I'll do everything different
I'll be better to you

I'll be waiting for you when you're ready to love me again
I put my hands up, I'll be somebody different
I'll be better to you

Inside My Little Head I'm Happy Ever After

So tomorrow's July. Time goes so quickly these days. So I thought I'd think about all the things that June has brought. Well it brought you back - that made me happy. It also made me realise quite how much I'd missed you. I became another year older, and hopefully another year wiser. I'm not sure.. but I think that might be the first time I've actually referred to the title of this blog. Maybe I was subconciously waiting until I became a little older. Year of the Wolf arrived and charted at #9 in the midweeks.. prompting surprise and grins all round. Then it went downhill but we won't mention that.. And three Nerina gigs.. was it three? I lost count! It brought the end of my deadlines, the end of my first year at university. I've loved this year. And the end of halls, which made me sad. But didn't we see it out in style! We did an A-Z.. visited and drank in every block at halls, with photographic evidence. It was so much fun. Ever since we moved in in September I'd wanted to visit all the blocks over the year, so it was the perfect way to end it. I'm really going to miss it there. June also brought the pains of a strenous jobhunt, and the end of it, which I haven't told anyone about. I don't really know why; I definitely wanted a job, but now I've got one, I'm not so excited anymore. But I start on Tuesday so we'll see how it goes. It's puzzling me why I don't feel like telling anyone, maybe I don't want anyone to see me there or maybe I don't feel like there's any point in telling. They won't care really will they. So I'll tell it to the strangers who read this blog instead. I have a job. A real one. No more shitty Anglian Home Improvements as the only experience I have. I'm moving up in the world.. just not very far up. But it's a step I suppose. I wonder what July will bring. I don't have much planned; I don't have high hopes to be honest.

Postsecret - 26/06/11

It's that time of week again.. be sure to check out this week's secrets by clicking here. Here are a couple that I've picked out as my own. I've been a bit useless with this blog recently but I'm trying to get back on track. Enjoy!

 

This is my favourite secret from this week's postcards. Sometimes when I browse through the secrets it amazes me that some people's hidden thoughts are identical to mine. I had a rough few years before I ended up at Kingston. And this year has been the best of my life. I really didn't want to leave, for so many reasons. Not just halls but everything about university. It's the amalgamation of everything, the whole experience. It saved me; it really did. I don't really know why it's a secret that it did, but I suppose it's because explaining that to people would involve divulging information about myself that meant I needed saving. And that's the real secret.

If I could scratch out the last line of this secret I would. I already know that true love is out there. But the reason I obsessively watch a particular tv show is because it gives me the hope that everything will be okay in the end. That's what I cling on to.

Happy Birthday To Me

So today I'm 19. I don't really like the number 19; 18 has always been my favourite number since I was little and I quite enjoyed being that age. 19 doesn't have any new perks. And it's an odd number. But I'm not that crazy about 20 either. If I could just skip to 24 that'd be cool. I've got a strange relationship with numbers. Maybe I can only be happy when I'm the age of numbers that I like. Maybe that's the stupidest theory I've ever come up with. My last year of teenagehood. Not a big fan of this whole growing old malarkey. I'm almost half way to forty.. now that really does scare me.

The first birthday message, well messages if you count twitter and facebook, first for both, were my favourite. Of course. And last night, with ten conversations going on at once, well it was the happiest I've been in ages. Remember when we used to talk on gb, facebook and msn all at once? I got all the Postsecret books for my birthday, it reminded me of sitting in Waterstones flicking through them with you, and on the beach. I still need to put my own secret in a book. Back then it felt like I didn't have any secrets worthy enough. Now I feel like I've got hundreds. I might even send one to Frank. But anyway, thank you for starting my birthday off in the most perfect way. When I blew out the candles, well, I can't tell you what I wished for, or it won't come true... but let me just quote the following lyric.

If somebody's going to make it, that somebody ought to be you.

Left arrow three.

Lifeline

I'm not doing so great. Coming home hasn't been good for me. I've been getting angry; that never happened at halls. Everything here makes me angry or upset. Halls was a new start, and I got lost in it and forgot that I'd have to come back here at some point. How will I survive the whole summer here? I need to get away. I've cried more in these last few days than I have the whole time I was at halls. I don't belong here, I never did. I don't want to let people down, but I've become a whole new person, I'm not who you used to know. And I feel like I'm being forced back into my old shoes. I'm panicking. I'm escaping as soon as I can. And now I've run out of words. I just don't know what to do.

So Beautifully Cryptic

Sometimes I look at what you say and I wonder if it was aimed at me. I always used to before as well. But then when I read it again, I usually see something there, something that tells me that it was for my eyes. It can be just a word, or a lyric, or just a way of writing, something written between the lines, something that I don't even think about until I reread and realise that it wouldn't mean the same to someone else. But I don't see it the first time because it's just how we talk. It's just us. Left arrow three. Maybe this mutual knowledge of when we're talking to each other without actually talking to each other is part of the weird connection. Because I know you're the same, you know when what I say is for you too, even if I don't specifically say it to you. Talking to you makes my day too. But the connection doesn't stretch quite far enough for me to know what that meant. I said on twitter earlier, you're so beautifully cryptic. It's part of what makes you such a brilliant writer. One day when I understand. I think that deserves another blog post from you, with a clue at least. Because you should really blog more. And let's be honest, I'm intrigued. <3

Postsecret - 12/06/11

Full Circle

You're about to get a few posts in quick(ish) succession. I have a few things I need to say. Let's start here. I left halls today. It was very emotional. I remember moving in, before this blog was even a twinkle in my eye. Moving in, not knowing anyone. My parents left and I couldn't even go to see them go, I was crying. I was scared, I didn't know anyone, I didn't know what was going to happen in the year to come. Looking back on it now, this has been a bloody amazing year. The first few weeks, it was totally normal to go up to someone and just introduce yourself and start talking. Then everyone started to get to know each other. You realise who you want to be spending time with. Before I moved in, I knew that in the year to come I'd make friends, but beginning and not knowing who they'd be or what happened scared me. Or confused me. I don't know. It's been a funny old year with ups and down and bizarre goings on. I was sat in my room earlier, it was all empty. Nothing, just a mattress, exactly how it was when I moved in. Full circle. And it was just so sad. A whole life for a year, bagged up and bundled in the car, and I sat in the nothingness and cried. I loved it in there. Though I made a lot of new friends, I spent a good amount of time alone this year; I work that way. I spent a lot of time in that room, thinking, writing, dreaming, just being. And now I've left. Those halls were good to me, we went through a lot together. I think if a place is still there, you can go back and relive the memories. But that room will become someone else's, it's not mine anymore. Someone else will build their memories in there. So I just felt a bit sad, the end of an era I suppose. I lost focus this year, especially in the second semester, but you know what, I had a lot of fun. I just didn't want to leave. This has been my best year. That room saved my life. Sanity. My little room of sanity. Away. Far away and hidden but actually quite near. Just far enough away for me to escape and hide and try and be sane. And it worked. That room really did save my life. I really needed uni to do that; it worked. I always needed an escape route, ever since I was 14 or so. I craved it for so many years. A wise woman said to me years ago that uni would save me. I didn't believe her. I should have done. But now I'm home without a place to run away to with all my things and my letters and photos and little bits and bobs that made it mine. But now everything is here. I liked having my life split between two places. It made me think I'd be okay, if I can exist in two separate worlds, I can carry on existing, full stop. So we nearly burnt to the ground, flames, sirens, but we made it to the end. And when it reached the bitter end I didn't want to leave. I didn't realise how much I loved it there until I had to go. I love all those people, they're all brilliant. I had no idea I'd meet such amazing people this year. And we'll never all be together in the same place again, and that makes me sad. I just want to live in halls forever.

Seething Wells, Thank you for everything. You saved my life, and I'll miss you a hell of a lot.

They'll Name A City After Us

Thank you for letting me back in. I've really missed you. And even before, when we weren't talking, just seeing the way your amazing brain worked through your tweets, just knowing you were there made me smile. I suppose I took that side of things for granted; I wasn't expecting you to vanish. Except you didn't vanish, you were just wearing a disguise. I don't think disguise is the right word; more like an alter-ego. And then you vanished, and I really missed just knowing you were there. Thank you for finding the courage. I don't totally get it yet, you might need to fill me in a bit, but still, you're back, even though you didn't really go anywhere, and I'm glad. It seems like a good idea though, I wish I had a similar way of escaping. It made me smile when you said you hadn't seen the comment before you posted the username. Sometimes I do think we have a strange connection. But what I'm trying to say is I've missed you, a real lot. Possibly more than I'd miss my arm if I lost that :) 

June

So it's June.. when did that happen? Had a pretty unproductive few days, I've finished uni now and there's nothing left to do. Been filling out a few job applications, writing a little bit but mostly just chilling out. Yesterday I found out I've won tickets to see Nerina at the Borderline on Monday, which will be amazing. Charlotte's coming with me and then we're coming back here. I'm excited for her to see halls and meet everyone. And to see Nerina, I love it when gigs are sprung on you all of a sudden. Especially when you've finished uni work and your schedule is free. Today we went over to the field and played guitar for a bit in the sun, which was nice. I've been trying to write my story about the water boy, but it's not really going anywhere, I don't know where to start. I mean, I've started, but it's in bits and pieces and I don't know which sections to continue with. The whole story is a bit jumbled in my head and I need to think it out a bit more first, so it's all going a bit slowly. But it is progress, and I need to get some decent writing under my belt so it feels like I've done something with this year. I've got all the time in the world now, I just need to know how to use it.