Postsecret 27/02/11

I haven't been posting regularly lately but I'm trying to get back on track so I thought I'd start with a postcard from yesterday's Postsecrets. Click here to check the rest of them out.

There are lots of people in my life that this secret applies to; too many people have chipped little parts of me away, and taped little bits back on, and I don't know who I am anymore. I have to stop letting myself change for others. I have to stop getting hurt.

Back In Business

Firstly hello and thank you to my new follower, thank you for your kind words. I haven't written in a while; I mean I've been writing, in my notebook and on scraps of paper I find but I haven't written here. I've also had to write some poetry for Creative Writing; I wrote a sestina that I actually quite value, so I suppose I've been a little succesful with that. I had to read it out in my seminar today and despite the very personal content it got a good response. I might even post it up here at some point. I still need to post my second short story up here too.. which I've now had the results back for... 89%!!! So happy with that! I've also had results back for my book reviews, which I got 80% for, and I got 83% for one of my English modules. So it's firsts across the board at the moment and I'm thrilled. I'm just waiting for the last English module back and then I'll have all my results. I just hope it's good because I picked to do half field English Language and communication with Creative Writing, so really I need to do well in both English and Creative Writing. But I'm a happy bunny to say the least. Going out on Saturday night for a friend's birthday and to celebrate, off to Soho. One of my favourite places. But anyway, I've had to write quite a bit of poetry lately, and it's really not my strong suit, but I've been soldiering on. It's been a long time since I wrote poetry, but back when I was 14-16 I wrote every day, all the time writing poetry. I ought to dig my old notebooks out from back in the day.. maybe they'll give me some inspiration for sestinas, sonnets and villanelles. But it's been a long time and I'm out of the swing of it. I'm out of the swing of everything at the moment.. at a bit of a mental block in life. But it's fine.. things are looking up.

What A Pickle

You know you're in trouble when you ask the drunk guy sitting next to you on the night bus for advice. What a pickle. I wouldn't be that bothered about it but it's really starting to get me down. It's like a ball of string that I can't unravel, and I try so hard to leave it alone, but I can't. I hate how upset it makes me, I can't take it. But I suppose there is a silver lining; when I'm sad I write more, and all the things I write can be patchworked into the story I'm writing. But it still doesn't excuse our behaviour. It has to stop now. Seriously. But it would be so much easier to say that if you didn't drive me crazy with your eyes. I wish I knew what to do.

Let The Battle Commence

Here begins my weekend of writing. I've picked one of my stories up and I'm going to see this one through. I've written a lot of things that were seemingly unrelated, and technically the main theme of the story isn't something I can relate to, but I'm going to apply all the feelings I've had lately and patchwork this story together. I'm at around 1,500 words, but soon it will be thousands more. I'm devoting this weekend to catching up with my writing, because I've really fallen behind. And I need to get not only my writing but my thoughts back on track. Organise everything with a pen and paper. So the abandoned baby, a title still in progress is a work in progress. I want to have ten pages by Monday. That is my challenge. Let the battle commence.

Two Days, And Eight Minutes Too Slow

Tonight I want to go back to Germany, back to being on tour with football. That was so, so much fun. And we were so young, everything was easy. I want to go back there, and relive everything from that point onwards. I'm not doing so great. Plunged somewhere deep and dark and underwater and the surface seems beyond reach. Uni is so complicated and the work is difficult and there's just a ridiculous amount of reading. One of the books is over 700 pages and that's one of two books that I have to read in that specific week. Ugh. I feel so weighed down and I've only just started back. I got so out of the swing of doing things and now it's all too much. I've been sleeping a lot. Too much. Things have changed. That's all I can say. I have so many things I want to say, but I can't.

Be 100% when I'm with you, and then the perfect heart's length away. This song says what I can't. It's so hard. And I do feel like I'm living a half life. Maybe even a quarter life, not much of a life. So I want to go back to being 13, or 14, however old I was back then. Before bits of my life started getting chipped away. You never promised me anything, that's the thing. I want to talk about things, but you just don't. I wrote something in my notebook which I was intending to post but I'm not going to. Does it even register on your conscience? That's something I'd like to know. I'd like to think it did if you're the person I think you are. But I guess I'll never know.