A Nerd For Words

I was updating my twitter bio yesterday and I had to seriously think about one part. 'English geek'. That orginally referred to my English degree; how I loved the English language and everything about it. It's funny how things change. I still love words, I still love the way language is and works, but I've fallen out of love with the subject. I chose my degree because of the English half. Creative Writing was just an added bonus. Everythings turned upside down and inside out. It's not that I despise the English half of my degree, but it's like a chore now, it doesn't interest me. There was a time I dreamt of being a linguist and carrying out studies on language and autism. Now I wish I could drop the subject altogether, make my degree full field Creative Writing. Unfortunately that doesn't exist at Kingston. Writing has always been my passion, and now that it's become a possible career path for me, English has lost its appeal. I hope my English teacher from secondary school never reads this. But then again, it was her who inspired me to write, who first told me it was something I should persue. I have no motivation to work towards my English modules, I just want to write. So I suppose I'm not an English geek anymore. Not in the way I was, at least. Now I suppose I'm a language geek. A nerd for words.

Just Keep Walking

It took me ALL day, but I have finally amalgamated every iTunes library I have ever owned into one MEGAlibrary. It's amazing. I think I could just sit here all week with the music on shuffle and still be smiling. New songs keep popping up that I'd forgotten about that bring back memories that had wandered to the back of my mind. It's funny how music has the ability to whisk you back a matter of years with just a couple of chords. It's the same effect that smells have on me as well; when I get a whiff of a certain unnamed scent and suddenly I'm transported through space and time to a moment from my past where that smell was also present. It makes me think about the many dimentions of the mind, if there are memories that are only triggered by smells, what else is hiding there that I might stumble upon by touching a particular material or something even more abstract than that?

 Anyway, I'm happy today because I found my iPod, which has been lost in the jungle of my room for the last 5 months. Yayayayay. But now I've updated my iTunes, I have far too many songs to fit on there. So here begins the next process, choosing which songs make the cut, and more importantly which memories I want to remember.

Maybe

I've been thinking about the text she sent me last night, which is just so.. I don't even know which word to use, fucking heartless, that I can't even read it a second time. I couldn't sleep last night, I just kept thinking about all the things she said (running through my head, tatu style, you get the drift). Seriously? Trouble is, I don't want to let it go. But I was on the train on my escape day to London today, listening to Ingrid Michaelson and everything sort of spelled itself out for me.


Maybe, in the future, you're gonna come back, you're gonna come back around.
The only way to really know, is to really let it go.
Maybe you're gonna come back to me?

So that's it. I'm stepping back from this mess of a non-relationship. I don't want to be the one to say goodbye, but I will. Which means I have to reply to that text. Which means I have to read it again. Ugh. But not today. I'm in a foul mood today. London helped, but didn't cure it. I did however start a new poem, whilst sitting on a bench in Soho Square. You'll like it, I promise.

Take Me Back To Arcachon

I'm glad I'm a hoarder. I just found a bus timetable in my drawer, from our trip to France in the summer. Our last family holiday all together. The memories have come flooding back. It was a funny holiday, a very happy one. We lost you in Arcachon. At the time it was funny, oh how stupid Dad is, he missed the train. It was only when we got to the train station in Bordeaux that we started to worry, when we got the staff to call Arcachon station and make an announcement over the tannoy and no one responded. When we got back to the hotel room and you weren't there. It was two hours til the next train, and those two hours were two of the longest of my life. Just waiting to see if you'd turn up. A million things ran through my mind; I was crying, petrified that you'd collapsed somewhere. When the two hour mark ticked by, we were all together in your hotel room. Not saying much, but all thinking the same things, calculating how long it would take for you to get back to the hotel, calculating what time we'd have to start getting seriously worried by. And then the door opened. And there you were.

I wish the door would open right now. I really miss you Dad. I hate this.

Here's My Idea. Invent It For Me Please.

For all you budding entrepeneurs out there, inventers included, I've come up with an idea that you can invent for me because I haven't got the time or the knowledge required. Basically I want to go away for just a daytrip or one night to somewhere in Europe, but I'm not really fussed about where, just as long as it's not somewhere I've been before. Now I can't seem to find ANY websites that cater for this need. What I want to be able to see is a list of all flights departing on a certain day from a certain airport that have available seats, including the times of departure and length of flight, so that I can pick a flight in the morning to go out, then in the evening to return. All I can find close to this is a list of flights departing today, or a flight timetable where you can choose one destination at a time, and go through alphabetically if you want to see details of each destination. This takes bloody ages and I only got down to letter B in about 20 minutes. Basically I just want to see the flight timetable of a day in the future, similar to the board you see in the airport when you're checking which gate you're departing from. There are no websites that I can find that cater for this need, and it's making me crazy. So if someone out there could kindly invent this in the next week or so, I'd be a very happy bunny. Ta.

WAIT!

Actually that's a lie, I did do something more productive today. I did this because I am a mature adult. It was a joint effort from Katy. Just saying.

HAHAHAHAHA

Love/Hate

Having done nothing much apart from write a poem today I am absolutely exhausted for no apparent reason. But I have written a poem, one of my better ones I think. The key to writing poems for me is when I hear a line, a sentence, something someone says and it becomes a line of poetry in my head, and the whole poem just forms from it almost instantaneously. It's a good thing I had my notebook with me today. But it's back home tomorrow for a couple of weeks, so hopefully I won't struggle to find inspiration away from the glorious Kingston. I get a sort of sense of achievement after I finish a poem though, it's strange. It's as if this is what I was really meant to do and I only actually realised it aged 19. I find that strange. What am I talking about, I hate poetry. Okay, okay, I like it a bit. But what I thought poetry was and what poetry actually is are different things. Poetry that you have to read four hundred times to look for a deeper meaning than what's on the page is not my kind of poetry. I like witty poetry, something that tells a story clearly and focuses on something people can relate to. I'm falling in love with this kind of poetry I think. Once I've got my witty one liner, it all just drips out of the pen faster than I can get it down. I really need to stop talking about poetry, how boring. But nothing else is really happening in my life right now so... you'll have to suck it.

Opportunities

You know what just occured to me, its the best thing I've realised in ages. This publishing business isn't just an opportunity for my career, or an opportunity for creativity. It's so much more than that. It's a window to communicate with the public, to get my views out there. And it's not even that. It's the opportunity to tell people how I feel about them. You might be lucky, and get a poem that's for you. That's what I love about this, it's an amazing indirect way to say what I want to. And that can never be removed once it's in print. So you know what, if you know me, or you're my friend, or someone I love or have loved, even if you hate me, you should really buy my book. It might just be your opportunity to discover something. And now that's I've realised this, I'm going to seize it and make the most of it; there are a lot of things I have to say to a lot of people. This is my moment.

Break

I'm having real trouble thinking of things to write about. I know I've got the words inside me, I just need to find the right channel to let them out. It's nearly time to leave Kingston for Easter, but for me going home represents the need to do uni work. I don't want to think about it. Block it out. I'm been pretty much on another level for the last few days. Haven't really done much. Been trying to think but I think when you're trying to think it makes it harder to. I don't know where to find the ideas.