Watching Paint Dry

"The lows, the nothing. There's nothing left in you. You're beyond tears, you're even beyond thought."

I want my hypomania back. Just got to let it pass. But I'm so impatient.

Wordless

When I wrote in the letter in the blue envelope that I didn't think I could be a writer anymore, that was just because my finesse didn't compare to that of my favourite writers. But now, I think I've actually lost it. I spent all day trying to write. I can't even rhyme anymore. I have ideas, I've just lost my words. They're not my words, I don't know why I call them that. I've lost the words. And that scares me a lot because writing is how I survive. Suffering from chronic boredom. I need new experiences, I need to do things I've never done before. Like the cuckoo's nest. Not that that really provided me with any writing material. I don't know what's gone wrong. Everything's all mixed up, it's all too still. I feel cold, hard, flat. I'm not enjoying this. And I don't even know how to fix it. None of the music is what I want to hear. Everything feels very wrong. That's the only way I can explain it. Everything is wrong without words. Agitated.

Chemical Imbalance

I have a chemical imbalance in the brain. So do lots of people. Trouble is with my chemical imbalance they don't know which chemicals to feed me to put me right. When the chemicals they presume will work don't, they try to alter my diagnosis. Surely with all the money that goes into medical research they could develop a type of blood test that assesses which chemicals in the brain aren't present in the correct amounts, so patients could be given the right chemicals as medication to make them right again. I'm fed up of being a fuck up. I'm fed up of being unfixable. I'm on such a high dose of everything I take that I think it's affecting the way I think. And by that I mean I rarely think. Or I'm rarely aware that I'm thinking. I seem to have no access whatsoever to my thoughts, and I'm sure it never used to be this way. And the knowledge of this leads me to question what it is my brain is so busy doing that it's lost the capacity to think.I don't know how I'm ever supposed to succeed in the creative world without thoughts.



Is it unethical to make a life-changing decision based on the lyrics of a song?