Good Times

I have written on here in so long, been a bit of a let down, sorry readers! Been really busy with uni work, churning out all different forms of poetry, short stories and scenes from plays, essay plans and countless other things, and it still feels like I've got a mountain to climb by the deadlines. Just seen the take home test for Experiments in form, it's not tooooo bad, but still pretty scary. Will have to spend some evenings slaving away in the library when I get back to uni. Need to pack for Brighton this weekend, and for Kingston because I'm not coming home between the two. I've been deleting your texts to make room for ones from someone special, someone.. new. I never should have kept yours in the first place. But some are still too hard to delete so they'll stay in my inbox for a while longer at least. I don't want to say too much about this new someone because it's early days, but she's making me smile. And that's the most important thing :) So I should be much happier this time in Brighton, so my friends will be happy too. It will be smiles all round, all thanks to her. Good times!

On the train

I'm on the train on the way to London to see Nerina! Very excited! Just been lazing around on the Cricket fields for hours with Beth, Ciara, Kirstie, Anna and Rhys, it's so hot today!! I'm playing all the newest Nerina songs I have on my iPod to get me in the mood, totally buzzing with excitement, especially as there are songs on the album that I haven't heard. The single is out on Monday, fingers crossed that it will be big! We're having a meet up before the gig with all the regulars, and some I haven't met before. It will be strange, because these are people that I've been speaking to for yonks on twitter but haven't actually met; I hope I recognise them!! I tried to upgrade my ticket earlier but they only had back row tickets which is what I already have. Today I paid the deposit on our house for next year, so it's all sorted, very exciting times!!

Cherry Picking

I've had quite a productive day today. Last night I was thinking about product names, business names and brand names that I can analyse for my English coursework. I have to look at 15 of these names and discuss what an English-speaking person would think about the business, brand or product from the name. For example a name such as 'National Express' suggests nationwide coverage and a fast service. I've come up with quite a few good ones for analysing so far, and I've just been cherry-picking the best ones and writing down what I gather from their names. I'm planning on asking my family members what they think of the names as well just to provide a wider vision of what the names suggest, and that gives me more to write about. So I've written a few hundred words of a plan, but I'm still struggling to think of academic sources that I can link in with my ideas. But that's not due for another few weeks so I'll do more worrying about that nearer the time. I've also drawn up a big to-do list type plan with all my deadlines written up so I know what's due in when, and I can work through things in a chronological order. After doing that I went shopping, clothes shopping for the first time in far too long! Got a few nice bits from Dorothy Perkins and spent lots of money that I don't have, but I thought I'd get something new for the Nerina gig on Wednesday. It struck me today that even though this is the eleventh time I'm seeing her live, I still get just as excited as if it was only the first time. I really need a good dose of beautiful live music, so roll on Wednesday!

Postsecret 17/04/11

It's that Postsecret time of the week again kids! This week the secrets are really good.. I think there are more than usual and I found a lot that I can relate to, so this is going to be a special extended version of this blog post. Check out the secrets for yourself by clicking here.

 

My belief in God has wavered over the year, but I do like to believe that there is some kind of more powerful force than us, that some kind of God exists.And if he does exist in a form similar to us, I do hope he listens to sad songs when he's feeling blue. It can't be easy watching a world that you created descend into war and poverty, and see it destroyed by natural disasters and human activity. I reckon a bit of The Cinematic Orchestra on repeat might help him to think straight, just like me.

The next two secrets sort of contradict each other but I will explain why I have included both of them.

 

I like this secret because it is very honest. Having both suffered from mental illness and been in a relationship with someone with a mental illness I know that maintaining a relationship can be difficult. I think in that kind of relationship it does sometimes feel like you are having a relationship with the illness and not the person, and that is a challenge. But that person wouldn't be who they are without that illness, and if you love that person, it shouldn't matter. It does complicate things, and sometimes you just feel like giving up, but it's not always bad. I think the person who wrote this secret was going through a difficult stage. I know I've felt that way sometimes.

 

This is my favourite secret from this week's postcards. When suffering from a mental illness it can be really difficult to see yourself as an individual, as opposed to a statistic. But I found that there are certain people out there who can help you to rediscover yourself. I owe my sanity to my brilliant friends who stuck by me through the darkest times and made me realise that I was still a person.

I'd Die If I Lost You

I just read the most heartbreaking thing I've ever laid eyes on. I'd suspected it but it's true. It's hit me like a million tons of bricks. And I feel like it's my fault. So I'm writing a letter. Because writing is what I do. I never realised how massive my power to hurt people is. Scar them beyond repair. Everyone would have been so much happier if I'd not been here. It sounds so cliche but I do honestly believe that. If anything happens to him I don't know how I'll carry on. I really, really don't.

Collapse

I'm not doing so great at the moment. Everything I touch seems to collapse around me. When I'm at uni I want to be home, when I'm home I want to be back at uni. I don't feel like I belong here anymore. I've been away so long and things carried on without me, they found new puzzle pieces to replace me and I don't fit anymore. I'm not actually sure I can call either place home now. So here I am, not homeless, but feeling a bit homeless really. I've got absolutely mountains of uni work to be doing and I haven't even started. I'm scared, I know it won't be to the standard of last semester, because I feel like crap. And when I feel like this the last thing I want to do is write essays. Maybe I could get some of the creative writing done, but it involves a lot of reading too and I can't focus. It's not like I can't do it. Without bragging, I'm sure I could conjure something up and pass, but I don't want to just pass. I want to do well. I want to keep getting firsts, but it's a lot of work. I have to work out whether it's worth the effort. I've been listening to Adele on repeat, because let's face it, it's one of those days. I'm just not really sure what I'm doing with my life at the moment. It all feels a bit pointless, you know?

"I hate to turn up out of the blue, uninvited, but I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it. I'd hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded that for me, it isn't over. Never mind, I'll find someone like you." - If only it was so easy.

Postsecret 10/04/11

Sorry, I'm a few days late with my Postsecret post this week, sorry! Just had a browse through the secrets and picked out my favourite. Check out this weeks secrets by clicking here.

As you may know I'm a bit of a Twitter addict. Twitter's strange, because you can have complex relationships with people you've never met, interlinking conversations with multiple people at once. You build up a knowledge of a person based on a collection of 140 character tweets. But it's brilliant in the way that you can send out a message to all your followers, hundreds of people, and it can be completely indirect to most, but be very clear to a small number of those followers. And you do have to wonder sometimes whether someone's indirect tweets are ever aimed at you. I think I only wonder about it because I do it to other people. Guilty as charged!

The Freedom Of The Mind

The freedom of the mind is a beautiful thing. Most of the time you can't say what you want to, unless you're alone. But sometimes even then your thoughts are too honest to be spoken out loud, to be thrust out into the real world. But inside your head, you can think whatever you like. You can think terrible things about the person sat next to you, and nobody will ever know. You have the power to destroy a whole manner of things, but you don't because nobody can hear what you say with the voice inside your mind. I don't use the freedom of my mind to its full extent because I tend to be quite a paranoid person. I think that since we are unaware of what so much of the brain is capable of doing, there must be the possibility that somewhere somebody has mastered mind-reading and would be able to hear my thoughts. And if somebody did develop that skill, the whole world as we know it would collapse. Think how much of everyday life relies on secrets. Bank details, computer passwords, shop till codes, business breakthroughs, things would totally fall apart. Relationships would end, families would split up, mind-reading could prove more fatal than nuclear bombs. I think I'll start using the freedom of my mind as much as possible before evolution gets the better of us.

Impossible Task

So on Wednesday night I had to complete a writing task for creative writing, due in the next day. It was 500 words, and it wouldn't have been so hard had the instructions been less complicated. I worked on it all day and the ideas only came to me at 3am. I gave it a quick edit this morning before I had to read it out so this is the second draft. First take a look at the instructions we were given, and see what I mean by impossible. Or near impossible. But I gave it a stab.

'Describe a building in 500 words. It must be from the perspective of a woman or man who has just lost their son in the war. You must not mention the son, or the war.'


Here's my take on the task.

I stood at the bottom of a long winding driveway, the ground littered with confetti trodden into the grass. I looked up at the turreted roof and grand spire and acknowledged the intricate detail on a background of blood-red skies. I’d been here before, but never had the time to stop and really look. I’d always been rushing, usually in vibrant colours and oversized hats. Only a few times in monotone like today. But I blended in well with the surroundings; dull brick, grey stones cluttering the lawn. I wondered how anybody could observe a joyous occasion in this morbid building. How could anyone welcome new life into the world or celebrate the joining of two people in marriage surrounded by the constant reminder of death? Right now, stood just inside the gates I was just meters away from bodies buried beneath the ground. Walking over memories and lives cut short. Treading on the past.

The wind whipped up and the trees swayed in sympathy. I pulled my black coat more tightly around myself and wondered why I’d stood there in the cold for such a long time. My eyes narrowed as I watched church-goers returning down the path with smiles plastered across their faces, enlightened with a new-found appreciation for life. I sighed and doubted that I’d find any here.

A woman walked past me and leant down before a gravestone. Of all the places you could visit to remember somebody you lost, this had to be one of the most ghastly. So there were flowers and notes claiming everlasting love but these mere amenities didn’t cloud the overwhelming deathly atmosphere.

It was eerie too, and lonely. The uncomfortable pews for seats and long, echoey rooms. Such a mysterious building when you’re alone. I bit my lip. Candles lined the front wall and seemed to flicker as the sound of my footsteps filled the room. As I paced down the central aisle my eyes rose to the stained glass window casting a red haze over the sanctuary. Reaching the front I struck a match against a matchbox. It snapped in two and fell to the floor. Frowning I took out another match and struck it three times before it lit. I picked up a long white candle with the other hand and held the flame to the wick. Replacing it in its stand I forced a brave smile and sent up a silent prayer. The flame danced before my eyes but only brought distressing images to my mind. I took a twenty pound note out of my purse and posted it into the donation box. And with that I turned and left. I refused to cry as I knew the next time I’d be there there’d be no way I’d be able to fight back the tears.

Monophthongs & Diphthongs

I don't understand how it's so easy to learn the alphabet when you're three or four, but it's so hard to learn the international phonetic alphabet now that I'm 18. Granted, there are 44 phonemes, but some of them are just impossible to remember. I'm sure I could have designed better symbols for most of the diphthongs and monophthongs. I do like those words though, especially because they have four consonants next to each other and that amuses my linguistically trained mind. I've made revision cards for the exam tomorrow, and most of it is sinking in, just not the symbols I need to learn. I'm going into uni in a bit to meet Alicia for a revision session, so hopefully we'll come up with a witty way of remembering them. I think I preferred revising for Chemistry A level. That's not good...

Postsecret 03/04/11

It's that Postsecret time of week again kids! Just had a look at all the postcards and there's quite a good variety of secrets this week. Click here to check them out for yourself!

I tend to be a person who doesn't have many regrets. But I always think that towards the end of life, when you have lots of time to think over the things you've achieved or done, the things that you remember most are the things you shouldn't have done in the first place. They become more memorable because they were more fun, more outgoing, more risky and more amusing than what you should have been doing. Over the years I've made a fair number of irresponsible decisions, but I hope that, whilst attempting not to ruin my life, I make more in the future. I want to have some brilliant things to look back on when I'm older. Also, I love how drunk this sheep looks.

My Favourite Covers 03/04/11

So it's half two in the morning, I should be asleep, but I was just randomly browsing youtube. And I found this. It's absolutely brilliant! Discover the secret behind Rebecca Black's youtube anti-hit 'Friday' in this fantastic cover. It's turned a bloody annoying song into something I'm now listening to for the fourth time. I much prefer this version! Check it out!

Running

I wish I knew if there was something I could do. Turning back the clocks simply isn't an option, but I'm sure there must be something. Because I actually really miss you. We were running at the same speed for such a long time, completely in sync, but you've sprinted into the distance and forgotten to look back. I think they call it moving on. But you just moved onwards. I don't think we were running in a race, I never pictured a finish line. It was about the journey, not the destination. But now you're running so fast that I don't know if I'll ever catch up. But it's not about the speed. It's about the distance. You want to be as far as possible. And I don't blame you. And as much as it would have hurt me that you just ran away, it hurts more that you never said why. You thought about it, teased me, 'we need to talk'. But then you legged it, faster than lightning into the vanishing distance. You've passed the sound barrier and hurdled over the horizon. Gone. And I fucking miss you. I miss you so much.