Give Up

I wish you'd stop texting me. I'm fully aware that you haven't heard from me in ages, I'm doing it on purpose. But I'm also doing it because I don't know what to say to you. You ask how I am, what am I supposed to say? Oh yeah, actually I'm not brilliant, okay, if I'm honest I'm not good at all, I'm fighting to the nail to cling onto the planet. Yeah? Shall I reply with that? Because that's how I feel. And in all honesty I don't actually want to talk to you. And whatever I say will strike up a conversation, and I don't want that. You'll ask what's wrong, and I won't know what to say even more, so it's pointless. So I'm ignoring you. And please don't text me again. I wonder how long it will take you to give up. Give up. Give up. Give up.

2010

I can't believe 2010 is nearly over. It's been a funny old year. It's been a successful year actually; good exams results, got a place at uni. But I wish I could start it over, do it all differently. I just don't feel happy with the way it's played out. There are parts I'd keep, Dublin, study room times, but so many things I'd change. So many that I don't know where to start naming them all. So many mistakes. I just want a rewind button. Actually I want Bernard's watch, but only if you can reverse time with it. I need 2011 to be better, easier, less complicated. I've been trying to think about what I've learnt this year, but nothing was really coming to me, so I dug up something I wrote a few years ago, then updated the year after.

2007
'Boys in eyeliner are sexy.
Girls are sexier.
But Noel Fielding beats all. Yum.
Police should wear disguises.
Words are best when they make no sense.
Earrings aren't so special.
But London is.
I like gigs
There's no such thing as the worst. <- cos it can always get shittier than you think. It is possible to fix a camera with a screwdriver fork.
Life is too short to lie. So I don't. Much.
You shouldn't drink if your liver is broken.
Knowing all the words in grey's anatomy episodes is more important than learning latin vocabulary.
Love is like cutting. Doesn't hurt at the time.
Mince pies don't have meat in..
Guitars are fit shits.
The hospital was the nicest and safest place in the world. I miss the playroom. :'(
Crying is not a form of weakness.
My football team is a bunch of lesbians.
And I love them for it. Legends.
Obsession is not a laughing matter.
The truly different ones are the special ones.
And friends don't mean jack.
But best friends do.
Writing makes me sadder.
But I do it anyway.
Thinking is a necessity.
Fuck off.
I am good at arguments.
I don't take advice from anyone.
Trains aren't so bad.
Replacements don't exist but you can try.
I know a lot.
I annoy even myself.
When I run away it's only because I need space.
The hard rock cafe is a bloody great place.
And the like.
Shurrup. Later.

So Far This Year 08.:)

Never leave home with less than 8p. This way if you are starving to death, you can still buy jelly from sainsburys.
Being nosey is allowed if you know you can help someone
Grey's anatomy is always right
I can't make people happy
My humorous sides making a comeback
Betrayal is the cruelest way to lose a friendship
Problems go so far.
By hurting myself I also hurt others
You need a backup.
And always have a plan.
Strange music is the best :)
& there will be more. i promise.

stuffs in the past. im all about the future. =]


09s been a funny one so far. Im just up for meeting some fabulous new faces. Excellent.
I hate people. They’re shit.
make me smile. :)'

So things have changed over the years, but this is what I've learnt in 2010...

If you put coke in the freezer, when you take it out it will explode all over your room and stain everything.
Drinking isn't half as fun once it's legal.
You will miss school once it's over.
Prank calls never get old.
As hard as I try, I will never be able to be an organised person.
Twitter is so much better than Facebook.
eBay is stupidly addictive.
I can survive for a week on toast and peanut butter.
You shouldn't let lust cloud your judgment.
Student Finance are totally incompetent and can fuck right off.
There is nothing better than an egg mayo and wotsit sandwich. White bread of course.
The freedom you have at university is priceless.

And there are probably more. If I think of them, I'll let you know.
Bring on 2011. And Happy New Year :)

This Time Last Year 28/12/10

Here are my mini blog entries from this time last year. Since it's the holidays, you can have three :)

27th December 2009

I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, I miss you.

28th December 2009

Look for me was just on and I thought of you. Love you Jordan x

29th December 2009

It's too bad I don't have the courage or confidence the way I do when I think about texting you to meet up...

Check back next week for the first This Time Last Year of 2011!

Sorry

Don't know what's going on with the internet today, but I was trying to type up This Time Last Year but I can't access my emails to do it. So, I'll update everything tomorrow, sorry!!

In Limbo

Today she texted me saying that she misses me. I still haven't thought up a plan of action, but I haven't texted back, if that counts for anything. And I don't intend to. She doesn't miss me, how can she when she did that. She just thinks she does. She'll forget about me soon. I'll be a distant memory in no time. I'm not sure yet whether I want to cut them out of my life entirely. It'll be difficult. Truthfully, I really don't know what to do. But I'm not texting her back. She can keep wondering. I do miss her, but I'm not going to tell her that. She doesn't deserve that. I just hope a plan of action comes to me soon because I'm left in limbo. As soon as I read that text, I went back in time. I've been recovering over the last few days, growing less and less angry but as soon as I saw who it was from and what it said, I went straight back to angry. I just don't know what to do.

Celebrate Was The Wrong Word

I asked if you wanted to do something, but to celebrate was just an excuse to ask to see you. I guess I used to wrong excuse. Celebrate was the wrong word. To take your mind off it would have worked better. Or even to cheer you up afterwards. What I should have done is been perfectly blunt and not used an excuse. So, if celebrate was the wrong thing to say, then it was the wrong thing to say, and it was my fault. What I'd like to do now is totally rephrase what I asked and try and ask it again, but I'm too scared now, I hate upsetting you. But maybe, if it's still yes, to either the taking your mind off it or cheering you up, or celebrating if they do in fact go well, let me know? And once again, I'm sorry. <3

PS. You are so much brighter than you allow yourself to think. I can see how clever, and how capable you are, but it's your blind spot. You built yourself a brilliant platform to stand on with your results from last year, and even though you don't have faith in yourself, I have faith in you. You can do it, I know you can. You won't fail. I can feel it in my bones :)

Blog Of The Week 27/12/10

So this week I discovered StumbleUpon, which you should all check out. Basically you can flick through blogs or websites, and you can fine tune what it finds to topics that you choose, until you stumble upon something that interests you. So after searching for something interesting to post as my blog of the week, I found 'Things I like that you might like too'. A pretty self-explanatory title. I was drawn in instantly by the first post that shows a calendar designed by Oscar Diaz that uses the capillary action of ink spreading across paper to display the date. "Each month, a bottle of coloured ink (corresponding to a colour temperature scale) spreads across a sheet of paper embossed with numbers, colouring them in as it goes"

After seeing this amazing creation, and being immediately impressed by this blog, I continued to flick through older posts, agreeing wholly with the title, as I like these things too. You should definitely check this unique blog out, you might just like them as well. The blog as it quite rightly points out appears to have no theme or direction, but this doesn't seem to matter here. Click here to visit Things I Like That You Might Like Too. Here's a small taster of the other great things featured in this blog.

"It wasn't you. I promise."

Well it felt like it was me. I'm really sorry. Sometimes words just spill out of me. I just thought. I don't know what I thought, but I'm sorry. I just thought I'd ask. But it was obviously the wrong thing to say. Sorry.

My Favourite Covers

Just lately I've got a little bit obsessed with covers of songs. It's a bit like book reviews really, because everyone interprets a book in different way. Well it's the same with music, it means different things to different people. And somehow, with covers, the same song can mean different things when somebody else sings it. Interprets it in their own way. So I thought I'd compile a little list of my favourite cover songs of the moment, and maybe repeat this every week.

1) Last Christmas - Nerina Pallot. Originally by Wham. Laced with Nerina's soft and stunning vocals, and incredible electric guitar. Check this beautiful cover out here.
2) Your Song - Ellie Goulding. Originally by Elton John. A really toned down version of a timeless classic. Check it out here.
3) Like a G6 Remix- Charli XCX, MNEK & Mercedes vs Far East Movement - This is a must listen! I wasn't really keen on the original, but this is beyond amazing. Probably my favourite cover of 2010. Charli's vocals are phenomenal as always. You must click here for this one!

Right, that's your lot for this week, but next week there should be another list, hopefully with more covers than this week. Check back soon, and make sure you check out ALL 3 of these, they're amazing!!

Postsecret 26/12/10

The last Postsecret of the year, and of course it's Christmas themed. Make sure to check out this week's Postsecrets by clicking here.


I'm 18, and Christmas has well and truly worn off on me. I have transformed into a big old Scrooge. I love my family, I do, but this year they were too much for me. I just wanted to get the train back to Surrey and be by myself. I still haven't opened my presents, I'm not in the mood. I'm just glad Christmas is fading away into the distance. It's strange because I used to love it so much. I must be getting old.

Check back next week for more Postsecrets.

Carry On Writing

I just became rather curious. I've been writing this blog for over three months now, mostly every day, 127 posts. So I wondered, how much have I actually written? So I copied everything into Word, and did a word count. And in three little months I've bashed out a whopping 40,000 words. Well I was impressed. That's about half an average sized novel. It means I've written about 550 words a day. It's really put into perspective for me how long it would actually take to write a novel. It sounds exhausting!! And that's not even taking thinking time into account. Oh well. It's a long time in the future if it ever does happen. So my new year's resolution, apart from to avoid getting into complicated situations with people who have girlfriends, is to carry on writing every day, but write more. It does me good to write everything out, because everything is so crowded and mushed together in my head, but once it's on paper, or on here, I can see it all clearly. Crystal clear.

Destruction

Today I really thought I'd been rumbled. There was a link on facebook, but I think it was just one of my friends from home. But it made me realise that this blog could destroy everything. So I feel rather powerful. But I also feel like it's wrecked my blog. Because I can't write what I want, and I can't show it to who I want, because of the things I've written about. A taste of my own medicine you might say. But yes, this blog has the power to destroy everything. Our friendships, which is fine by me, possibly even your relationship. I wouldn't say that was my fault though, if you didn't want anyone to know, a) you shouldn't have done it in the first place, b) you shouldn't have done it with someone you don't know well enough to trust, and c) you shouldn't have done it with someone who is a writer, how else was I supposed to sort things out in my head without writing it out. So if I do get rumbled, it's technically not my fault. And I did use false names. I tried. I've still felt shit today. And I still haven't thought up a plan. Ciara read yesterday's blog and is worried. I need to reply to her. I just haven't been in the mood for.. anything really. Blah.

Turmoil

I once thought that there was nothing that Grey's Anatomy couldn't heal. But this is so big, I'm not sure it's enough. Mostly when things happen I can get over them, even if it takes months or even years. But this is huge. This is on-going. And I simply don't know how to deal with it. How do I cope with this? I don't even know where to start. I can't stop crying; I can't force it out of my head. How can I ever look you in the eye again? How will I look at her? You are my friends. I think I'll just have to call it a day with knowing you. I keep thinking things through, but I can't seem to think of a plan of action. Maybe you'll do it for me, ask me to keep my distance, stay away from you both. Actually I really hope you do. This has been the worst day in a long time. If only I hadn't been on facebook, read those words she wrote. But then I would've found out at some point. We're friends, you would have told me, but then, I'm me, and we have history, so of course you wouldn't have told me. If there was a big, red delete button that I could press and erase you from my life, I'd press it in an instant. I want to have never known you. I want to start again and not meet you and definitely never kiss you and try my best not to want you. Has Grey's covered a story like this? I don't believe so. So how is it supposed to help me this time? In my hour of need. Or day. Or whole bloody life. However, whether or not Grey's can fix me this time, I still plan to spend every waking hour of the next five weeks watching it. Over and over until the words transcribe themselves into my brain. I'll try to uncover a hidden meaning somewhere, a concealed message that might help me. Even if I have to search through every episode twenty times. Fuck assignments, essays, uni. I'm in a crisis.

'A crowded room, friends with tired eyes

I'm hiding from you and your soul of ice

My God I thought you were someone to rely on

Me? I guess I was a shoulder to cry on'

Boxing Day

In the vast entirety of the English Language, I don't believe there are any words to describe the way I feel right now. You have become strong, drawn back and punched me a million times in the stomach; knocked the life right out of me. Perfectly in the spirit of boxing day. Boxed me straight to the grave. It feels like you've killed me, so why am I still here? So you're engaged. To one day be married. And no matter how long it takes to come to that I won't be able to sit through a ceremony knowing what I know. Having the feelings for you that I do. I don't know what I'm supposed to do now. I don't want to do this anymore. Fuck. I just can't believe that this has happened. It was only a couple of weeks ago you told me that you wanted the single life; then you go and propose to her? I feel lost. I don't know how to recover from this.

An Amusing Discovery

Katie Taylor is too funny! Just spoken to her on facebook chat and basically she was on www.plentyoffish.com the other day, and a profile popped up on the homepage and she recognised the picture of the girl. Anyway today she was on facebook and saw my profile picture, and the picture from plenty of fish matched my profile picture. No, it wasn't me, but a girl who's also in my profile picture on facebook. 'Izzie', to be specific. Anyway, like a detective I just spent ages trawling through profiles on plenty of fish until I finally found Izzie, who has a picture of me and her on her plenty of fish page, which is erm, strange? Especially when she hasn't got any pictures of her and her girlfriend. So anyway, I said to Katie that I should make a fake profile on plenty of fish and chat to Izzie and see what she said. But Katie suggested that she do it since Katie doesn't know Izzie. So Katie has sent her 'hey seen you about in soho few weeks ago you look a cool girl you alright?' and we will be awaiting the reply. There better be one! So to twist it up even more, when we get a reply Katie's going to post on my wall on facebook saying that the anonymous has replied, haha, and we'll see whether or not Izzie figures it all out. But I think it's all absolutely priceless, and to honest I'm not quite sure why Iz has a profile on a dating website when she has a girlfriend... but sure! It's makes for laughs for us so I'm happy! I will update you all on what happens if we get a reply. Tehehehee.

The Scrooge In Me

It's strange, when I'm at uni I miss home, I miss all the people here, my family, my friends, the place. But when I'm actually here, I miss uni. I miss the flat, the freedom, the people at halls, the people on my course, my really good friends. It's wanting what you can't have, which has become a common thread in my life. Tomorrow is Christmas day, which is strange too, because it doesn't feel like it at all, it feels like just another day. I haven't wrapped up a single present, I'm not in the Christmassy mood, I'm being a bit of a Scrooge really. I went to Jrs last night and it was so good to be back with everyone. But it wasn't the same as clubbing with the uni lot. And now it's Christmas eve and I'm wholly unprepared and not really in the mood to be all happy clappy tomorrow. My Great Grandad is really ill, and that amongst other things is getting me down. I just want it to be another time, summer maybe or Spring. I don't really know when I want to escape to. Or where. I feel like a holiday, we were talking a couple of days ago about going back to Dublin which I would absolutely love to do, but I also fancy Lisbon. Just a few days, on my own, soaking up the sun and the culture, and writing to my heart's content. Even though I haven't been story writing or doing any writing that's particularly productive lately, at least I've been writing every day. But from writing to wrapping, I must get on.

My Life According To...

Using only song titles from ONE ARTIST, cleverly answer these questions. Try not to repeat a song title.

Pick Your Artist: Nerina Pallot

Male or Female? The Girl From Lakeville

How do you feel? Is This A Low?

Describe where you currently live: Damascus

If you could go anywhere, where would you go: Idaho

Your best friend is: Human

What's the weather like: Blue Christmas

If your life was a tv show, what would it be called: All Bets Are Off

What is life to you: Patience

Your last relationship was: My Last Tango

Your current relationship: Impossible

Your fear: Everybody's Gone To War

What is the best advice you have to give: Confide In Me

How you would like to die: Heart Attack

Your soul's present condition: Learning To Breathe

Your motto: Put Your Hands Up

This Time Last Year 24/12/10

Since it's Christmas, and to make up for being ridiculously late with my weekly blog posts, there's a double This Time Last Year this week! Here are two of my ramblings from a year ago.

19th December 2009

I wrote 'I love you' in the snow last year, and I just wrote it again, because nothing's changed. I miss you so much baby. I'm always thinking of you.. especially at this time of year. Like the way you tied your scarf in a triangle. And when I gave you your Christmas present. Can't believe it's been a year. Since the facebook status' and just everything. I just want to cry.

24th December 2009

Listening to last Christmas, reminds me of you so much, singing this in the common room, and meaning every word. 'You still catch my eye'. I miss you so much Soph, still can't believe it's been a year. I love you, and I fear I always will.

How things have changed. Check back next week for another insight into my life as it was a year ago!

Postsecret 19/12/10

Once again I'm late with my Postsecret blog post. But here it is at last, four days late, oops! Click here to see this week's Postsecrets!

Here's the secret I feel is mine from this week's postcards. But mine's really the opposite this time of year. Now this is going to make me sound like a bit of a Scrooge, but Christmas shopping really is the bane of my life. And don't even get me started on wrapping. I'm useless at coordination, I can't cut in a straight line and the selotape gets stuck in my hair. Most of the time, buying things, especially things from HMV, ebay and clothes from anywhere makes me feel so much better in myself, but this time of year, buying things drives me up the wall. The pavements are crowded with shoppers, and people walk so bloody slowly! I think it's a sign that I'm growing up, the novelty of Christmas has really worn off on me.

Check back next week... probably not on Sunday since that's boxing day, but at some point in the week for another Postsecret post! :)

Blog Of The Week 20/12/10

So I'm really late with my blog of the week this week, but I'm finally getting around to it now. This week I've picked the blog written by a man I met on a train a couple of years ago. I used to visit it a lot when I first found it, but since I've been at uni I haven't been keeping up to date with it. But I came back from uni and found the link written in eyeliner on a piece of paper blu-tacked to my wall. So this is my blog of the week, and it's definitely worth checking out. Click here to visit The Jester Speaks. He's a poet, a musician, a wordsmith and a very deep thinker. A visit to his blog is worth it even just for a small insight into the extraordinary workings of his unusual brain. Check it out, you won't regret it.

15 Albums

The rules: Don't take too long to think about it. Fifteen albums you've heard that will always stick with you. List the first fifteen you can recall in no more than fifteen minutes.

‎1. Nerina Pallot - Dear Frustrated Superstar
2. Anna Nalick - Wreck of the Day
3. Brandi Carlile - The Story
4. Coldplay - A Rush of Blood to the Head
5. Florence and the Machine - Lungs
6. Nerina Pallot - Fires
7. Imogen Heap - Ellipse
8. Imogen Heap - Speak for Yourself
9. Ingrid Michaelson - Girls and Boys
10. Kirsty MacColl - Titanic Days
11. Lisa Mitchell - Wonder
12. Nerina Pallot - The Graduate
13. Regina Spektor - Far
14. Regina Spektor - Begin to Hope
15. Regina Spektor - 11:11

Dear You

You're right, you know me too well. It was Grey's that influenced my music taste, they just have impeccable taste for music. Brandi Carlile, Ingrid Michaelson, Joshua Radin, Anna Nalick, pretty much everyone I listen to apart from Ellie Goulding, who you influenced, Imogen Heap, Regina Spektor and of course Nerina Pallot has been influenced by the greatest television programme of all time. Some of my all time favourite songs were ones I heard first on Grey's Anatomy.. for example The Chain - Ingrid Michaelson, Where We Gonna Go From Here -Mat Kearney, Song Beneath The Song - Maria Taylor, Swans - Unkle Bob, Flying High - Jem, Sky - Joshua Radin & Ingrid Michaelson <3, Life is Beautiful - Vega 4, Sailed On - Landon Pigg, many songs by Let's Go Sailing, Scratch - Kendall Payne <3 <3 <3 , Am I Just One - Carey Ott, To Build A Home - The Cinematic Orchestra <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 , and possibly my favourite, rivalled very closely with To Build a Home, There Is So Much More - Brett Dennan. And that's just to name a few. I like what you wrote, it really made me smile. But seriously, you know me too well! I am so, so unbelievably proud of you for getting all five offers, you supergenius! Huge congratulations! September will be beyond zygalot. I want to come and see you soon. I miss you. I miss you lots actually. <3

Busy Busy

I have a whole host of things I've written down and not posted, I think there's even an entire blog post in my drafts on here that I need to post. But there are also loads of things I've written in my notebook that need to be typed up. Also got some Postsecret things, blog of the weeks and this time last year's to do too.. agh I'm so behind! But I have had a lovely day, last night went over to Beth's and was reunited with her and her lovely mum 'Auntie Glenda'... what a babe! And we had an ammmmezzzzzin chinese which came with three bags of prawn crackers that we didn't order, but no complaining! Then today I went to the carvery with Beth and Rose, then did all my Christmas shopping :D So glad that's finally done!! Left it so late this year. Then I spent most of the evening with my nanna who's just come down from Doncaster to spend Christmas with us, and texting Izzie. Jrs tomorrow night, major excitement, it'll pretty much be a massive get together of everyone, apart from Char who's working, which is lame. But it'll be good. So unbelievably tired now so this'll do for now.. G'night!!

Snow And Other Issues

I wrote this a couple of days ago and just found it in drafts.

I don't understand how it's so hot in here when there's no fire, it's snowing outside and I've turned the heating right down. I'm almost ready to run outside and bury my head in the snow to cool down. It does look pretty outside with the snow falling, and everything dusted with white. And I really hope it does keep snowing until Saturday so I can see a white Christmas. But it has it's downsides too... I can't get anywhere. Yesterday I wanted to go to Puckeridge to see my best friend but the roads were so icy that I couldn't get there. Annoying. Tonight I'm supposed to be going to Beth's to catch up and get a takeaway, and of course see Auntie Glenda!! So excited, it's been too long. I've got really addicted to online monopoly again.. a few Christmas' ago I couldn't tear myself away. It's just so good.. and in my opinion the most Christmassy game :)

La la laaaaa.

Strange Things

So I've been back for two days and I already miss uni. I never realised before I left how boring Stortford is. I want to be back at halls with the amazing people from H block, having fun. I miss the freedom I have when I'm at uni, I take it for granted until I'm without it whilst I'm here. I really miss the whole place, Stortford's pretty ugly compared with Surbiton. And I miss the lgbt bunch. They are all such amazing people. I feel a little bit lost without everyone, all my new friends that I didn't even know three months ago but I now consider irreplacable. Isn't it strange how quickly you can build relationships. March couldn't come any sooner since we're going house hunting, to find somewhere to live next year. I'm going to be living, in a house, with three people that I didn't even know existed three months ago. So strange. But it will be beyond amazing. Even the inbox on my phone is full to bursting with texts and messages from all these people I didn't know before. I find that so odd. I'm so glad I've met the people I have though. I don't know what I'd do without them now. It's not that I don't love my friends back here at home. It's just different. They're all so different. I'd say the H block people are more like my friends from home than the lgbt lot; I don't know anyone like them! But yes, I miss my freedom. I can watch what I want and sleep when I want at uni. Leave my flat when I want, wander where I want, it's just simpler. When I permanently lived here I longed for my freedom, but now it's been taken away I feel a bit lost. I want it back.

Nonsensical

I wish I knew what was going on. Yesterday you said to me that you were the sort of person who loves their girlfriend and wants to be with them but also wants the single life. These days it seems that everything you say has an underlying meaning that I'm somehow supposed to decipher. Then you ask me to come to London after the gig tomorrow to see you, go out. And we all know what happens when we go out in London. I don't know what I'm supposed to think. Especially after the events of Tuesday with everything you said, about relationships. I just wish things made sense.

This Time Last Year 15/12/10

Here is an extract from my miniblogs from this time last year. Hope you enjoy the little incite into my life as it was exactly a year ago.

15th December 2009

'I just want to curl up into a ball and hide and come out when everything is less complicated and I don't have so much going on that it's hurting me in so many ways. I have so much to do and it feels like I'm not going to complete anything.. And they're all so important. I was just getting myself back on track, and then the accident happened and I've just been focusing on staying alive and keeping everyone's spirits up, keeping everyone together. But now I can't stop crying, I'm breaking down, nothings going right. I have so little time, and so many things to do, and the workload is so much that I don't even know where to start. It's so daunting. I can feel myself slipping back into that horrible place I tried so hard to leave behind. And it's not good. I want to run away, or backtrack, before everything. I need to start it all over, save some lives, make things better. It'd be a whole different world for me. I crave it so badly. I can't stay here trying to do this, I need a shell, I want to be a turtle. '

Blog Of The Week - 13/12/10

This week my blog of the week is another photoblog. Bouncing light is the photoblog of Dutch photographer Marty Smits. Like a saboteur in the evolving world of photography, she tries to keep film alive and convinces others to see the beauty of grain and the odeur of fixer. She is self-taught in photography and internet. She takes part in a photography-collective which provides her lots of networking opportunities, but most of all lots of fun. When she is not photographing she provides disabled young people with the proper help in finding a job and by doing so, being independent. This eclectic collection of photographs represent her interest in photography in all it’s possibilities. Definitely worth checking out. Click here for the link to Bouncing Light. Seriously amazing stuff. I wish I could post every photo on here!

Essay Rant

So unbelievably bored. Bored of this library where people talk so loudly, bored of this essay where I have run out of ideas of things to write about and bored bored bored in general. I'm also really hungry but I need to finish this first. I've written 700 words, but I need to bump it up to about 1200, then cut the pointless bits out. Because there are an awful lot of pointless bits. I've run out of things to write about. I haven't even started on the book review that's also for tomorrow, ugh. I'm running out of time. I know I'm going to end up spending my entire Christmas holidays doing my work, when all I really need is a rest. I'm just so bored of the things we're studying at the moment, it seems like a huge recap but I don't feel like their teaching me the things I need to know. Like theorists, they've taught me nothing about theorists and now I'm here, trying to write an essay with no knowledge of theories to relate my ideas and analysis to. Which is driving me up the wall. Because I'm sat here with four textbooks in front of me and the library catalogue which has nothing that I type into it. And then there's google scholar, where nothing is relevant. I just want a book that lays things out for me in clear English, so I can put it into my own words, reference it and get this bloody essay out of the way. I'm not an essay person, and this is driving me mad.

Smiling's My Favourite

Everything is just better when I'm texting you. I don't know how to explain it. But when we aren't texting, I don't know, I just wonder things. It's better when we're texting. I feel like you're thinking about me. Maybe even about what happened. We're having a hench text joke about a girl who for the purpose of this blog I shall name Ellie. It's making me smile. You didn't come tonight, but we were texting so it was okay. It was quite fun actually, but if you'd been there it would have been 100 times better. I'm seeing you on Tuesday, but I doubt anything will happen. I reckon it will just be a few long lingering looks, but that's enough for me, they keep the fire burning. I should definitely be listening to the voice of reason and wisdom, who I shall call Annie. I definitely won't remember all these different names! But yes, Annie says I should tell you to stop. But I can't. I think tonight I finally admitted it to myself that I actually really like you. I didn't want to say it because of the whole situation but tonight I did. I told Annie and I told someone else too. But that's it. They are the only two people I can trust with this. Annie probably knows the right thing to do. But I can't. Firstly, I'm so bad at talking about things. And secondly, I'm not ready to stop. Let's just let it play out and see what happens. The other person I told just said how good it was to see me smiling. And I'd rather go with that point of view to be honest. I like smiling. In the words of Elf... 'Smiling's my favourite!'.

Closer To Home

I want to go and sit somewhere really high up, and swing my legs though the air, walk on the clouds. There's nothing to keep me from jumping. Today I'm angry. About a whole number of things. Took a lot of my anger out on my guitar, strumming as hard as I can, probably annoying the hell out of my flatmates with all the Anna Nalick songs I know how to play. Over and over. I'm listening to all the songs I used to listen to a few years ago, bringing back all sorts of weird and wonderful memories. I want to go back to Stortford, back to Sixth form and drive down to tesco express in Kirstie's car, get Mcdonalds with Freddie either really early in the morning or really late at night, even if we have to drive to the airport to get it. Or blast out Whatcha Say really loud in Matt's car. Or drive drunk and without insurance to and from mine and Char's house, and play classic fm obscenely loud. So loud that the butchers dance along with us. I miss those times. I want to go back for Christmas now and see everyone, and not have so bloody much work to do that I probably won't be able to go out at all. I just want things to be different. I don't like the way things are working out. Perhaps Hertfordshire uni would have been a better choice. Closer to home, closer to sanity. Closer to a place where I'm not falling for someone who's taken. Closer to a simple life.

A Repeat Performance

Oh dear oh dear oh dear. I knew I shouldn't have gone out last night. It was a bad idea. But at the same time it was good. No, no it was very bad. Everything tangled back up again into a big knotted mess; things have never been so complicated. It's not like I went against my word, I said I wouldn't initiate anything after the deadline. And I didn't. I didn't make it happen. I told myself I didn't even want it to happen. I don't know what we're doing. I don't think you know either. But it's not good. Except really, it's so good. You're too cute. I don't know what it is between us, perhaps it's a London thing. It leads me to wonder so many things, like have you been thinking about it as much as I have? So man people told me you wouldn't have thought about it at all. So I wasn't expecting a repeat performance. But boy did I get one. It was more than last time. She was there, again, and by the end of the night I really thought she'd seen us. But I think she'd have said something if she had. There's a look. A look I've only ever seen you use for me. It's like if we look at each other like that for too long, there'll be an explosion or something, it's dangerous, I know I should look away but I just can't. On the dancefloor, we kissed again. Just quickly, again, another stolen kiss. Next thing, we're touching. Your arm around my shoulders, my neck, mine on your waist, your back, hand in hand. Dancing to Teenage Dream by Katy Perry, words so true. I can't hold eye contact for too long, but at the same time I can't bare to look away. Then once it happened I went to get a drink, I don't know, I didn't feel uncomfortable, but your looks were overwhelming me, I felt like I'd melt if you kept looking at me like that. And smiling like that. Mouthing lyrics at each other, growing ever closer to each other, faces just fractions of an inch apart. We held hands all the way back to the station, then she went into a newsagents to get something to eat, and left us outside together. I grabbed your arm as soon as she was out of sight, pulled you close and we kissed again. Not just a quick peck this time. It wasn't for long, fifteen seconds maybe? I don't remember exactly, it could have been minutes. It was better than good. Just, wow. And there's something about it being forbidden that makes it that bit more amazing. And this time is wasn't completely left alone after it happened, we spoke about it, a little. And you texted me some lovely things as we made our ways home separately.

'Wish I could have kissed you properly'

Sheeeeesh. Complicated. I guess I'll just have to wait and see what happens when I see you next. Sunday. In two days time. Not going to lie, it couldn't come quicker.

Eccentricity

I wrote a little something earlier. But I'm not going to post it. I've lost the knack of writing a bit lately. I haven't been writing anything on my stories, and I stopped blogging and tweeting for a while. I'm trying to get back on track, and I've got lots of writing to do for my university work as well. Book reviews, analysis of techniques, short stories, essays, the list goes on. Today in Creative Writing we had to write about the most eccentric person we knew. I had so many to pick from; there are some absolute nutters where I live. There's the woman who steals other people's cats, the man who walks five miles into town everyday barefoot holding empty tesco bags, the mutton dressed as lamb, she's about 70, who wears a bright pink velor tracksuit and a silver sequin beret, but I had to choose my neighbour, she wins hands down. Since I can't really think of much else to write at the moment, I'll post what I wrote earlier up here.

I imagine she's about 80 years old; her face looks like it has melted under 80 years of sun. Black eyeliner, black hair, black shoes, tights, skirt, top, black coat, everything is black in the life of the ironically named Mrs White, who lives a few doors down from me. Late at night, it ought to be quiet in our quaint little town surrounded by countryside, but there's always the background murmur of her car, chugging away, parked, stationary in front of her house. 'It's good for the engine', she explains to anybody who asks. I can't help but smirk since I know that somebody told her that as a joke 30 odd years ago. Her husband is about half her height, grey, the same monotone appearance but washed out a little. He's always on parking duty, making sure that their second car is always on the road too, so that nobody can block them in. I'm not sure what they do in that house, but I can't believe it's much as her head is always positioned between the curtains, watching like a bird of prey as anyone passes by, giving the constantly running car a fair number of odd glances.

Lost And Delirious

I just watched Lost and Delirious. What a beautiful but tragic film. I cried. It brought back lots of emotions, especially those I felt when I loved and lost my first love. You know when you see a film, or you hear a song, and you just wish you had written it? That's how I feel right now. I think it's one of my favourite films now. I wasn't expecting it to be like that at all. Such a rush of emotions; I kept telling myself that it wouldn't end how I thought it would, and when it did, it crushed me. I felt it flush through me, the pain of losing someone and simultaneously the feeling of having nothing left to live for. I have experience of both, and the first hurts more. But I think that's only because by the time you reach the second feeling, pain doesn't really have any effect on you anymore. I suppose this is the first time I've really thought this all over in a few years, not since the immediate aftermath of the second feeling. Which is why I've fallen in love with this film, it's brought all these feelings back to me, it must be bloody powerful to do that. Love is a funny thing, a somewhat indefinable thing. It's personal to everyone, it means something different depending on who you are and on your past experiences. To me, it means a number of things, but nothing in particular that I can put a finger on, or find the words to explain. But I know the beginning feeling, things are just starting, or you want them to start. If I was brave enough I'd say what I mean but I can't. So I'll leave it at that. Perhaps I'm a little lost and delirious myself.

Good News

To go out in London tomorrow night, or to stay in? That is the question. I'm definitely getting some kind of throat infection, which better be gone by Christmas or I'll cry! So it's probably not a good idea. Not to mention what happened the last time we all went into central London. And I'm meant to be saving money, but I'll probably end up going. I had some great news this evening, news that really cheered me up. Kristina got an offer from Kingston. Words can't even describe how surreal but amazing it would be if she ends up coming here. I can't even picture of it because it seems strange to think we might actually be living in the same town after all this time, but I know it will be simply amazing. You don't even know how much you'd love it here. I think it would be so good for you. And I'm not just saying that because I want you near. (Which I do.) But yes, this news has really cheered me up. And I think it's cheered you up too. I'm all lost for words. I think I will go out tomorrow night, celebrate. I'm all smiley, surely that can only be a good thing!

Milestones

100 BLOG POSTS! I feel like it's such an achievement, especially since both my previous blogs didn't even make it to 50. 100 extracts of my thoughts for you all to read. 100 extracts of my musings for me to look back on one day. Even now, it's been nearly three months of doing this, and I always want to look back at what I've written. I haven't so far, for fear of wanting to delete the words I've put down onto paper. Sometimes I want to delete the words I write before I even post the blog. Sometimes I think I should spend as much time on my university work as I do on this blog. It would probably be more beneficial, but I have so much more freedom here. I've got really caught up in the numbers game on twitter, to which I am 100% addicted. I'm also addicted to eBay, and Blogspot of course. I get addicted to other people's blogs as well, and I check them all the time. Especially yours. I've checked it about 6 times today. Throughout the day. But you haven't posted. I wish you would. I'm kindof waiting on a response to what I wrote, but perhaps you haven't read it. I said to you that it felt like you'd dropped off the planet, but I in no way meant that I wanted you to. I want the opposite of that. I'll glue you to the planet if I have to :)

And on another note. I realise that today is the 7th of December. This means a few things. It means, two years ago, everything started. But in this year, in 2010, it means it ends. I said I'd hold out for you until the 7th of December. And I would have liked to have seen you before it became this date, but you were upset yesterday and didn't want to go for drinks. So, that's it. I'm drawing a line under it. It was a one night thing. But that was all it was. We can go back to being just friends now. Ouch, it hurts me to say just friends, because two years ago that was a little private joke. But now, it holds it's dictionary meaning. Just friends. Just really great friends. And I'm okay with that. The end.

This Time Last Year 7/12/10

Every week I delve back into my own blog archives that I kept on my iPod touch, and find something I wrote around this time last year, and share it with you all. Here's a post from 13th December 2009.

'13th December 2009

I can't believe we have to say goodbye to you forever tomorrow. It still doesn't even seem real, I still can't get my head around it. Jordan I can't believe your gone, you just can't be. It's all so surreal. Everything since the accident has been a blur, and nothing makes sense anymore. Everything has lost meaning. It makes no sense how you were here one day and the next it was all over. And tomorrow it's the funeral. I'm so unprepared because it hasn't even sunk in. I'm always thinking I'll see you again.. then my mind flashes back to seeing you in the mourge, you were so cold, you were gone but it just doesn't seem real, not one bit. I don't understand this. You can't be gone, how can you be gone. The thought of tomorrow is petrifying me, buy maybe it'll bring it all home, make this nightmare feel a little more like reality. I miss you chef, I really miss you. I just need to scream, and cry. Fuck. Fuck this whole thing, it's not fair at all.'

I know the 13th December isn't that near to exactly a year ago, but after Jordan passed away I stopped writing properly for a while. It was such a shock to me, to everyone. The funeral turned out to be beautiful, but horrible at the same time. The free wine at the wake made things a little better for a little while, but you can't drink it all away forever. It was lovely to meet Jordan's friends from Canvey where she used to live, and her parents. Jordan always said it would take something big to bring everyone back together again, and it did. I just wish it didn't have to take what it did. To be honest, it still hasn't really sunk in, and it's been over a year now. I wonder if it ever really will.

Blog Of The Week 6/12/10

My blog of the week for this week is the appropriately titled 'Blaaaaaaaack'. It's a photoblog made up entirely of beautiful black and white photographs, which has such a great effect. Check it out, it's well worth a look. Here's just a handful of the photographs, to give you a taste of it all.

Click here to visit this amazing photoblog.

Looking Back

I don't really know what you mean, but in a way I do. I think I know what you're referring to. I think it's me. But I'm always thinking it's me and I don't trust myself to be correct. But I think it's me. I know I hurt you. By hurting you I hurt myself, but it took me a while to figure that out. I'm a better person now, I've grown. I never meant to hurt you, as hard as it might be to believe, it was the last thing I wanted to do. I don't know what goes on in my head sometimes. But deep down I never wanted to hurt you. I think it just scared me, because I was finally admitting to myself how I felt about you, after hiding it away for so long. I still have every conversation saved, even the ones in french. I can't bring myself to read them though, because of the way I hurt you following them. Maybe I'll read them again one day, and remember everything that happened. After a while you said it didn't matter, not to regret it but I still did. I thought I might get a second chance, for us, but you didn't want it. I've said it before but I still don't quite understand why. I think you once said you'd tell me but you never did. I'm not sure if I want to know. But in case you were wondering. I still feel that way. It was always you. I think it might always be you. And so you know, for future reference, unless you tell me otherwise, it's never off the table. I can't stop looking back and wondering what if. Pointless as it may be. I blew so much when I did what I did, and I didn't see it at the time. I blew something that probably would have been amazing. I want that back. I can't help wanting it back. I want it back more than anything I've ever wanted. I'm not really sure why I'm saying all this. Perhaps I think it might trigger, oh, no I'm just thinking out loud. I'll stop now.

Postsecret - 5/12/10

Every week on Sundays I read the Postsecrets at www.postsecret.com. Check them out and pick one out for yourself as your own, as I do each week. You might just learn something about yourself. Usually I pick a secret from this week's postcards, and a secret from the Postsecret archives. But this week I feel like two of the secrets are in some way my own, so here they both are.This isn't exactly my secret, but I'm on the other side. I simply cannot throw my receipts away, I have every receipt of everything I've ever bought in the last three or four years. And I often wonder what people would think of me, what kind of person I'd come across as if somebody read through them all. Maybe I should post some up on here and let you make the decision for yourselves, then you could let me know how I come across.

So my best friend doesn't live on the other side of the world. Since I moved, she doesn't even live on the other side of the country. Maybe by this time next year, she'll only live on the other side of the town. Anyhow. I can't help feeling like something is wrong, and I really, really hope you're okay. I'm a bit useless at knowing what to say, and it's so hard to tell whether those smiles are real over the internet. But I know you'll see this, and I hope it makes you smile. And just so you know, I'm always here, I always will be, and I love you.

Don't forget to check this week's Postsecrets out by clicking here!