Life Changing

So I haven't been here in a while. But I'm back for today, maybe more, I don't know. Life has changed a bit in the last few days. Last week was full of dark thoughts, but it's different now. I don't understand how music has the ability to change things so much. I found a band. They aren't very well known. But I've already got the whole house listening. They make my world stop with their sound. I've never known music like it. And they don't take it too seriously. If I didn't have uni, or no money, I'd be straight on a plane to California to make their December gigs. I think if I did it might actually change my life. With Nerina you listen to her music and then when you see her live it's just a hundred times better. And I can just tell its the same with them. The Rescues. They've rescued me. And I'm sort of a little bit in love with one of them as well but that's by the by. I really can't find the words to describe them but they've bloody fantastic. Can't stop listening. Just listen. It might just change your life.

Unhappy Rabbit

I feel.. I don't know how I feel. I don't feel right. I feel like I'm alienating myself because I don't want to be here. I just don't think I belong in this house. But what can I do about it? If I leave, if I find myself a little one bedroom flat, what if I don't like that any better than here? I feel like screaming. Ugh. Not a happy bunny.

Wordless

Words are running thin at the moment. It's so bizzarre coming back to a place that you had the most incredible year in, to find that it has somewhat changed. Except the place hasn't changed.. I think I have. I don't know. It just doesn't feel the same. I think my fears that the halls experience was what made it for me might have been right. I guess I just haven't got used to this place yet. And the way I was thinking this year was going to go.. it doesn't match up. I suppose maybe it's because I got myself hung up on the fact that you'd be here. I think I even convinced you. I'm sorry. I really miss you. I hope you're having the most amazing time. And I'm really glad you're blogging again. Strange because last night I was thinking of tweeting you to tell you start again, then I came on here tonight and found that you already had. I think you secretly read my mind. I need cheering up. I'm feeling one of our six hour msn chats. Those always had me smiling. Anyway. I miss you. That will be all.

Plummeting

Destination the Earth's core. Plummeting so hard and fast, falling with such speed that I can't even make out my surroundings. I don't know this place. The trigger: so small and insignificant, yet so powerful, mind blowing force. I don't know what to do. I'm pretty sure I've made a massive mistake. I'm so different from all of them. Chalk and cheese. And it's a concept so unbelievable I don't even expect them to try to understand. I don't even understand. But right now I'm rolling down the mountain so fast and I'm about to crash. And I know there's nothing that can stop me. I'm even losing my words now. There's nothing quite like this way of feeling. I'm plummeting down a dark elevator shaft into pitch black unpredictable nothingness. Where do I go from here? I don't feel like there are enough options available for me to pick the right one. Oh dear. That's the only thing I can say. Oh fucking dear.

Lost

It's been a long summer and I've neglected this blog but I'm back for now anyway. I needed somewhere to vent. I think I might have made a huge mistake. I don't think I want to be here anymore. I'm crying. I just want to put on my hat and a hoody and joggers and long socks and high tops and put my ipod in and never ever come out. I want to go back. I don't know what to do. This doesn't feel like my room. And I don't feel like me here anymore.

To Put It Simply

First

So yesterday I found out that I passed my first year at uni. Not just passed, but passed with a 1st! All the hard work paid off. The lowest mark I got in the entire year was 67%, three percent off a first. So I'm now officially a third of the way through my degree. And that makes me happy. But not as happy as you make me.

Two Hundred And Fifty!!

Blogger's telling me that this is my 250th post! What a milestone! Of course there have been a few along the line that never got posted, so technically it's not the 250th that made it to print, but it's the 250th that I've written here. Bearing in mind that my previous blogs never made it to 50 posts, I'm happy. And I don't see the end of it coming soon.. so here's to the next 250! 500 would be an amazing amount to reach, and now I've said it I don't want to stop until I make it! I've been getting back into the swing of blogging every day which is good, along with the creative writing I've been doing it brings a structure to my day.. I get up, I go to work, I get home, relax for a bit, write my target number of words of my story, blog, then relax a bit more. Work has been going well, I didn't make a single mistake serving wise today, no food came back because it was wrong, which I'm really proud of.. seeing as Friday was a bit of a disaster returns wise. The only slight disaster that did happen today was I dropped a large coke all over the floor! It went everywhere! Had to be mopped up, wet floor signs brought out, the works! But in the scheme of things it wasn't a bad day at all. I'm getting to know the till better, and the people I'm working with too. I'm doing more hours this week too, which I'm happy about now, but when it actually comes to the eight hour shifts I'm sure I won't be quite as happy. But theoretically I want to be working as many hours as I can to earn enough to enjoy myself over the next year at uni. So it's been a good day. And when pay day comes around on Thursday I'll make sure to buy a nice bottle of white and have a drink to celebrate this milestone! Just want to say a big thank you to everyone who's read the blog and got me up to almost 11,000 views.. it means so much to me that you take the time out of your day to read about what I've been up to. So thanks, and here's to more blogging!

Page After Page

Today I said some words I never thought I'd say in summer. I want some work to do. A nice English assignment or a creative writing task. Something structured to sink my teeth into. Does that make me a geek? I guess I'm bored of the endless summer already, and I still have another two months to play with. But I've been being a good student, probably a better student than I've been all year. In Creative Writing we get told that when writing, 500 words a day is a good benchmark. And through the whole year I never got anywhere really with my writing. I mean, I probably started about five potential novels that never got past 5,000 words. Lots of short stories, but not so many that I actually finished. I ought to read them all over really and see whether now I've got lots of time on my hands there are any I'd like to pick up again. But I've been writing a new story, I think I've mentioned it here before actually, and I've been sticking to my 500 words a day, with more if I feel like it. It's a good amount. And this story actually seems to be going somewhere, which is more than I can say for the other things I've produced in the last year or so. So I'm going to persevere with this one, even if or when it gets tiresome. So at the very least I can say I've done something with my summer.

I Ain't Lost, Just Wandering..

I had a dream about halls last night. It was freshers week, the first night, but of next year. Everyone had just moved in. Everyone was so excited. I'm not really sure why I was there, but I went back to my old room and it looked so different. Mostly we were in a different block, exploring as if we'd never been there. Venturing into people's rooms, partying like the first night of last year. I was telling everyone that I didn't live there, but I would be coming back to halls for third year. Do you think your dreams speak the truth? I miss halls so much, I'd love to go back for third year, but I fear it wouldn't be the same, that it wouldn't compare to the year I had this year. I want this year to happen all over again. With the same people. I loved every minute. I loved my room. The total freedom you have. In my dream you were there. Stood outside G block, just moving in. I called your name out of the window and you looked around. Gave me a smile. Then turned back. I want to go back.

What if everything just isn't the same this year? What if the reason I love uni so much is halls? What if I can't be in a house with the people I'm living with? What if I'm not cut out for it? I want to do this year over again and savour every moment. It'll never be the same. I miss it so much, I miss it every day. I want to go back there now. I keep listening to Hometown Glory by Adele. It reminds me so much of halls. "Round my home town, memories are fresh. Round my hometown, oh the people I've met are the wonders of my world."

Take me back.

You've Got Mail

I wrote you a letter. 2,000 of my most heartfelt words. And with pictures. I guess that makes it a step up from previous letters. But I'd like to talk to you first. So when you feel like you can stomach it, when you have a moment where I'm not the person you hate most on the planet, let me know? And again, I'm sorry.

Postsecret 03/07/11

So I realise that this is almost a week late but I thought I'd get it in before the secrets change tomorrow. Check them out by clicking here.

In fact words in any sense are running rather thin lately. But after 5 years or so of reading other people's secrets, I've decided I'm going to find the words and actually send one in.

Just My Luck

Second day at work today, and it didn't start well. Had to get up super early to go and get the bus to work, which took 40 minutes, and then I was half an hour early. I was just walking over from the bus stop and I was crossing the road and my ankle gave way beneath me. It used to do it a lot when I was a child, it's because I'm hypermobile and my joints bend further than normal joints, so sometimes my ankles just go over. Then I stretched all the ligaments in my right ankle in a football tournament, three years ago now, and that ankle has never been the same. And it gave way today, and I've sprained it. Didn't realise how bad it was at the time, so I limped into work. And to be honest we get so busy that I hardly had time to think about it. Then I got in the car to get home and took my shoe off and discovered that it had swollen up. Now it's hurting like hell, and I just know it's going to be so much worse tomorrow. And I've got to stand on it for four hours and run around on what's going to be the busiest day of the week. I'm dreading it. And it's beginning to turn a worrying shade of blue. I didn't tell them at work because it hardly looks good does it, gone and sprained my ankle on my second day. Just my luck eh?

First Day

I had my first day at my new job today. And I actually really enjoyed it. The people I'm working with are lovely, especially the girl who's training me. It's so hectic though, and it gets so busy. But that makes the time go quickly at least. I hardly had time to blink for the first two hours; I was getting myself a drink and literally not having time to drink it for half an hour. It's non-stop. And there's so much to learn, the tills are so confusing but I'm hoping it won't take me too long to pick it up. After a couple of hours today my nerves left me and I was actually starting to smile whilst serving the customers. It's just getting into a routine, saying the same thing over and over, it's how you get through it, that's what we did at Anglian. But there we were given a basic script and here you have to make it up as you go. And be polite at the same time. And smile. Smile smile smile so much that your jaw begins to hurt. And your feet from standing up and running around. I'm dreading Friday, the busiest day. But it's really interesting. Today I had to take euros and give change in pounds, when I thought the only place you could pay with euros in England was at airports.. or the post office. And a man came in with a £50 note and we had to do tests on it to check that it wasn't fraudulent. So yes. I enjoyed my first day, and hopefully tomorrow I'll know what I'm doing a little more. I wonder how long it will take until I don't ever have to ask for help.. hope it's not too long!!

The Accessorize Sale - Part 2

So I was a bit naughty and I went back to the Accessorize sale. I think I'm got some kind of homing device inside me that attracts me there like a magnet. But I started work today (I'll blog about that later) and I'm finally making money, and money has to be spent! It's okay, I won't be doing this every day. But I had said I wanted to go back for just a few bits, and I couldn't leave them there for other people to buy. Here's what I bought on today's little shopping trip.

This just had to be done.. I am a Creative Writing student after all!

£9 down to £4.50

 £12 down to £6

 £10 down to £5

I love this one!! This was the first thing I saw yesterday and I knew I had to come back for it!

£12 down to £6

If I were you I'd get down to the Accessorize sale as soon as you possibly can! And while you're there... buy me something pretty?

Mistaken

It was definitely just an apology. That was what I needed. And now the apology has sunk in, the feelings have gone again. I get these little moments where my mind tells me lies. Moments where the emotions blend together and become unclear. I mistook the apology for something more. And my thankfulness for the apology for something more than friendship. When you've loved someone, of course that feeling never completely goes away, you'll always care for them. But I'm a different person now. And so is she. My mind went into overdrive. My Bipolar makes me sky high. I get happy and suddenly I'm in a perfect world where everything makes sense. I make connections that seem to make sense at the time. It's called mania for a reason. And it's only til I come back down that I realise what things really meant. I loved her then. But I'm not the same person who could love her now. It took me a long time to move on but now I see that it would never have worked out. And there's no way that it could. Now I'm back in the real world I can see that. So thanks for my apology. But I won't be in touch anytime soon.

The Beginning

So I had my first day, except it wasn't really a first day, it was just an induction. My real first day is tomorrow and I'm all scared! Today was just going over health and safety; what to do in a fire, what to do in a bomb scare, you know the drill (excuse the pun). And apparently there's some kind of act that outlines what I can and can't write on my blog about the company. Not that if I thought anything derogatory about them I'd post it on here for the world to see anyway, but I can write all the nice things I want. Exciting though. And the discounts are amazing! It's really interesting to see a business from the inside. I think I'm going to have fun working there. Last week I was having second thoughts but.. I don't know.. today has straightened a few things out in my head. Tomorrow though, agh, I'm scared! I wonder when I'll serve my first customer or if tomorrow will be purely training. I'm pleased with the hours. Bahhh! I'll let you know how it goes tomorrow. Working 11 til 3 so it's not even like it's going to take up my entire day. So I'll have lots of time for blogging and writing, which I've got back into. Suddenly the writing has started to go my way again, back how it was years ago. I think it's just because I've thought up a story that I'm actually passionate about, something I like writing about. I don't know what I've been doing the last couple of years that has made me writing a challenge, but it's coming back to me. And I'm so happy about it. Time for a bit of writing before bed now.. I've set myself the 500 words a day target that they recommended at uni, but every day I find myself writing more than that. And if I took into account what I write here everyday.. I'm probably into the thousands rather than the hundreds. I'm so in love with the fact that my favourite thing has become something that comes easily again. And I've got so many notebooks that need filling up. Agh. Too much excitement!

Mini Shopping Spree - Accessorize Sale!

I found my camera so you're in luck. So thrilled with what I bought from the Accessorize sale today that I had to make a blog about it. And I'm feeling that I might have to go back there tomorrow and buy a few more bits that I also had my eye on, but my mum was watching my every move and I was spending more than I could afford. But as of tomorrow I'm earning so.. it just has to be done. Had my eye on one more necklace and a couple more bracelets, and let's be honest, I'm a bit of a jewelry addict. Here's the goodies I bought today.

£10 down to £5

£16 down to £8

£9 down to £4.50

£12 down to £6

£32 down to £16

Judgement Day

So I start my new job tomorrow. Scary times indeed. I don't remember being this nervous when I started at Anglian. Just two hours tomorrow, it's my induction. I assume I'll be sat in a back room flicking through handbooks about health and safety or something equally dull. But it's a nice way to start, not being plunged into the deep end. So finally I'll be actually earning a living. I'm hoping to save some money to go towards uni life next year, but I know that I'll just end up in the Accessorize sale like I did today. I swear I could buy the entire shop if I had the money. I love it in there. Will make a separate post with pictures of all the things I bought.. if I can find my camera that is. I am excited to start the new job though; it'll give a structure to my days and bring an end to my endless amount of spare time with nothing to do. I can't work out whether what I feel is excitement or apprehension. I suppose tomorrow will be judgement day. I do need a structure though. Well, I need anything that will take my mind of the negative thoughts floating around my head.

The Apology

Writing this might be the stupidest thing I've ever done but I don't know what else to do.

When you experience a moment that you know you'll remember forever it's hard to breathe. It's hard to do anything but think about that moment. You relive it in your mind over and over as many times as you can before the memories become too distant. Before it all clouds over and you can't remember the exact chain of events. So I'm writing this while it's all still fresh. It was perfect. It was the perfect apology. The apology that I'd always wanted. Needed. It's been two and a half years, but actually, if I'm honest to myself, the feelings never went away. I won't say it, but it's pretty obvious what I mean. I never stopped. And if there was something I could do to get you back I'd do it in a heartbeat without a second thought. That moment. I can't even put it into words. You squeezed my hand like you'd never meant anything more in your life. And now it's slipping away with every second, and I so want to hold onto it. You clasped my hand in yours, hidden in the crowd and turned to me.

Can we bring yesterday back around? Because I know how I feel about you now. I was dumb, I was wrong, I let you down. But I know how I feel about you now.

You did let me down. You fucked me up. You screwed me over and practically left without a goodbye. I'm positive this was supposed to be your apology, two years late. But it was more than an apology. It was more like a Please forgive me and let me try again. I'll do better. You gripped my hand so hard. I kissed you on the head. You're a headfuck but I'm a sucker for it. I was never really over you. It took me a year and a half to get you out of my head, but just because you weren't constantly haunting my thoughts didn't mean I was over it. I told myself I was but every time I saw you I took five steps back when I'd only taken four forward in the first place. What is it about you that turns me into this quivering idiot who's ready to fall at your feet at every opportunity? Such a simple song; I've heard it hundreds of times but it never meant anything even close to what it meant tonight.

Not a day passed me by when I don't think about you. And there's no moving on, because I know you're the one, and I can't be without you.

What a moment. It was one of those life defining moments that you just know will stick with you. And you have to take a step back afterwards and ask yourself if it really happened. But it did. The history books should write about it. You'll always be the one who got away, and I'll never be over you. Not really. I looked away when I shouldn't have done. I didn't know why you were looking at me like that. But then I realised. And I looked back. And your eyes were still fixed on mine. You were singing the words to me. I'd never seen you look like that before. If I could make you mine I would but you're too good for me. I'm seeing you soon. I shouldn't be doing it. I should have left that perfect moment as it was and remembered you that way. Let our final goodbye be the perfect apology. It was my fault, I texted you. I came to find you. If I hadn't this wouldn't have happened. Maybe the reason I texted you was because I wanted something like this to happen. My expectations are high when they shouldn't be because you're not the person I like to believe you are. Nothing will happen. Because you're with him and I'm just a blast from the past that you finally felt the need to apologise for. But I'll give you credit; you did it in the most perfect way. And if I never see you again, at least I finally got it. Thanks, I suppose. I really fucking miss you. We'll never be just friends, no ten, not in my eyes.

I Wish I'd Written This

Hold me closer one more time
Say that you love me in your last goodbye
Please forgive me for my sins
Yes, I swam dirty waters but you pushed me in

I've seen your face under every sky
Over every border and on every line
You know my heart more than I do
We were the greatest, me and you
But we had time against us and miles between us
The heavens cried, I know I left you speechless
But now the sky has cleared and it's blue
And I see my future in you

I'll be waiting for you when you're ready to love me again
I put my hands up, I'll do everything different
I'll be better to you

I'll be waiting for you when you're ready to love me again
I put my hands up, I'll be somebody different
I'll be better to you

Let me stay here for just one more night
Build your world around me and pull me to the light
So I can tell you that I was wrong
I was a child then but now I'm willing to learn

But we had time against us and miles between us
The heavens cried, I know I left you speechless
But now the sky has cleared and it's blue
And I see my future in you

I'll be waiting for you when you're ready to love me again
I put my hands up, I'll do everything different
I'll be better to you

I'll be waiting for you when you're ready to love me again
I put my hands up, I'll be somebody different
I'll be better to you

Time against us, miles between us
Heavens cried, I know I left you speechless
Time against us, miles between us
Heavens cried, I know I left you speechless
I know I left you speechless

I'll be waiting
I'll be waiting for you when you're ready to love me again
I put my hands up, I'll do everything different
I'll be better to you

I'll be waiting for you when you're ready to love me again
I put my hands up, I'll be somebody different
I'll be better to you

Inside My Little Head I'm Happy Ever After

So tomorrow's July. Time goes so quickly these days. So I thought I'd think about all the things that June has brought. Well it brought you back - that made me happy. It also made me realise quite how much I'd missed you. I became another year older, and hopefully another year wiser. I'm not sure.. but I think that might be the first time I've actually referred to the title of this blog. Maybe I was subconciously waiting until I became a little older. Year of the Wolf arrived and charted at #9 in the midweeks.. prompting surprise and grins all round. Then it went downhill but we won't mention that.. And three Nerina gigs.. was it three? I lost count! It brought the end of my deadlines, the end of my first year at university. I've loved this year. And the end of halls, which made me sad. But didn't we see it out in style! We did an A-Z.. visited and drank in every block at halls, with photographic evidence. It was so much fun. Ever since we moved in in September I'd wanted to visit all the blocks over the year, so it was the perfect way to end it. I'm really going to miss it there. June also brought the pains of a strenous jobhunt, and the end of it, which I haven't told anyone about. I don't really know why; I definitely wanted a job, but now I've got one, I'm not so excited anymore. But I start on Tuesday so we'll see how it goes. It's puzzling me why I don't feel like telling anyone, maybe I don't want anyone to see me there or maybe I don't feel like there's any point in telling. They won't care really will they. So I'll tell it to the strangers who read this blog instead. I have a job. A real one. No more shitty Anglian Home Improvements as the only experience I have. I'm moving up in the world.. just not very far up. But it's a step I suppose. I wonder what July will bring. I don't have much planned; I don't have high hopes to be honest.

Postsecret - 26/06/11

It's that time of week again.. be sure to check out this week's secrets by clicking here. Here are a couple that I've picked out as my own. I've been a bit useless with this blog recently but I'm trying to get back on track. Enjoy!

 

This is my favourite secret from this week's postcards. Sometimes when I browse through the secrets it amazes me that some people's hidden thoughts are identical to mine. I had a rough few years before I ended up at Kingston. And this year has been the best of my life. I really didn't want to leave, for so many reasons. Not just halls but everything about university. It's the amalgamation of everything, the whole experience. It saved me; it really did. I don't really know why it's a secret that it did, but I suppose it's because explaining that to people would involve divulging information about myself that meant I needed saving. And that's the real secret.

If I could scratch out the last line of this secret I would. I already know that true love is out there. But the reason I obsessively watch a particular tv show is because it gives me the hope that everything will be okay in the end. That's what I cling on to.

Happy Birthday To Me

So today I'm 19. I don't really like the number 19; 18 has always been my favourite number since I was little and I quite enjoyed being that age. 19 doesn't have any new perks. And it's an odd number. But I'm not that crazy about 20 either. If I could just skip to 24 that'd be cool. I've got a strange relationship with numbers. Maybe I can only be happy when I'm the age of numbers that I like. Maybe that's the stupidest theory I've ever come up with. My last year of teenagehood. Not a big fan of this whole growing old malarkey. I'm almost half way to forty.. now that really does scare me.

The first birthday message, well messages if you count twitter and facebook, first for both, were my favourite. Of course. And last night, with ten conversations going on at once, well it was the happiest I've been in ages. Remember when we used to talk on gb, facebook and msn all at once? I got all the Postsecret books for my birthday, it reminded me of sitting in Waterstones flicking through them with you, and on the beach. I still need to put my own secret in a book. Back then it felt like I didn't have any secrets worthy enough. Now I feel like I've got hundreds. I might even send one to Frank. But anyway, thank you for starting my birthday off in the most perfect way. When I blew out the candles, well, I can't tell you what I wished for, or it won't come true... but let me just quote the following lyric.

If somebody's going to make it, that somebody ought to be you.

Left arrow three.

Lifeline

I'm not doing so great. Coming home hasn't been good for me. I've been getting angry; that never happened at halls. Everything here makes me angry or upset. Halls was a new start, and I got lost in it and forgot that I'd have to come back here at some point. How will I survive the whole summer here? I need to get away. I've cried more in these last few days than I have the whole time I was at halls. I don't belong here, I never did. I don't want to let people down, but I've become a whole new person, I'm not who you used to know. And I feel like I'm being forced back into my old shoes. I'm panicking. I'm escaping as soon as I can. And now I've run out of words. I just don't know what to do.

So Beautifully Cryptic

Sometimes I look at what you say and I wonder if it was aimed at me. I always used to before as well. But then when I read it again, I usually see something there, something that tells me that it was for my eyes. It can be just a word, or a lyric, or just a way of writing, something written between the lines, something that I don't even think about until I reread and realise that it wouldn't mean the same to someone else. But I don't see it the first time because it's just how we talk. It's just us. Left arrow three. Maybe this mutual knowledge of when we're talking to each other without actually talking to each other is part of the weird connection. Because I know you're the same, you know when what I say is for you too, even if I don't specifically say it to you. Talking to you makes my day too. But the connection doesn't stretch quite far enough for me to know what that meant. I said on twitter earlier, you're so beautifully cryptic. It's part of what makes you such a brilliant writer. One day when I understand. I think that deserves another blog post from you, with a clue at least. Because you should really blog more. And let's be honest, I'm intrigued. <3

Postsecret - 12/06/11

Full Circle

You're about to get a few posts in quick(ish) succession. I have a few things I need to say. Let's start here. I left halls today. It was very emotional. I remember moving in, before this blog was even a twinkle in my eye. Moving in, not knowing anyone. My parents left and I couldn't even go to see them go, I was crying. I was scared, I didn't know anyone, I didn't know what was going to happen in the year to come. Looking back on it now, this has been a bloody amazing year. The first few weeks, it was totally normal to go up to someone and just introduce yourself and start talking. Then everyone started to get to know each other. You realise who you want to be spending time with. Before I moved in, I knew that in the year to come I'd make friends, but beginning and not knowing who they'd be or what happened scared me. Or confused me. I don't know. It's been a funny old year with ups and down and bizarre goings on. I was sat in my room earlier, it was all empty. Nothing, just a mattress, exactly how it was when I moved in. Full circle. And it was just so sad. A whole life for a year, bagged up and bundled in the car, and I sat in the nothingness and cried. I loved it in there. Though I made a lot of new friends, I spent a good amount of time alone this year; I work that way. I spent a lot of time in that room, thinking, writing, dreaming, just being. And now I've left. Those halls were good to me, we went through a lot together. I think if a place is still there, you can go back and relive the memories. But that room will become someone else's, it's not mine anymore. Someone else will build their memories in there. So I just felt a bit sad, the end of an era I suppose. I lost focus this year, especially in the second semester, but you know what, I had a lot of fun. I just didn't want to leave. This has been my best year. That room saved my life. Sanity. My little room of sanity. Away. Far away and hidden but actually quite near. Just far enough away for me to escape and hide and try and be sane. And it worked. That room really did save my life. I really needed uni to do that; it worked. I always needed an escape route, ever since I was 14 or so. I craved it for so many years. A wise woman said to me years ago that uni would save me. I didn't believe her. I should have done. But now I'm home without a place to run away to with all my things and my letters and photos and little bits and bobs that made it mine. But now everything is here. I liked having my life split between two places. It made me think I'd be okay, if I can exist in two separate worlds, I can carry on existing, full stop. So we nearly burnt to the ground, flames, sirens, but we made it to the end. And when it reached the bitter end I didn't want to leave. I didn't realise how much I loved it there until I had to go. I love all those people, they're all brilliant. I had no idea I'd meet such amazing people this year. And we'll never all be together in the same place again, and that makes me sad. I just want to live in halls forever.

Seething Wells, Thank you for everything. You saved my life, and I'll miss you a hell of a lot.

They'll Name A City After Us

Thank you for letting me back in. I've really missed you. And even before, when we weren't talking, just seeing the way your amazing brain worked through your tweets, just knowing you were there made me smile. I suppose I took that side of things for granted; I wasn't expecting you to vanish. Except you didn't vanish, you were just wearing a disguise. I don't think disguise is the right word; more like an alter-ego. And then you vanished, and I really missed just knowing you were there. Thank you for finding the courage. I don't totally get it yet, you might need to fill me in a bit, but still, you're back, even though you didn't really go anywhere, and I'm glad. It seems like a good idea though, I wish I had a similar way of escaping. It made me smile when you said you hadn't seen the comment before you posted the username. Sometimes I do think we have a strange connection. But what I'm trying to say is I've missed you, a real lot. Possibly more than I'd miss my arm if I lost that :) 

June

So it's June.. when did that happen? Had a pretty unproductive few days, I've finished uni now and there's nothing left to do. Been filling out a few job applications, writing a little bit but mostly just chilling out. Yesterday I found out I've won tickets to see Nerina at the Borderline on Monday, which will be amazing. Charlotte's coming with me and then we're coming back here. I'm excited for her to see halls and meet everyone. And to see Nerina, I love it when gigs are sprung on you all of a sudden. Especially when you've finished uni work and your schedule is free. Today we went over to the field and played guitar for a bit in the sun, which was nice. I've been trying to write my story about the water boy, but it's not really going anywhere, I don't know where to start. I mean, I've started, but it's in bits and pieces and I don't know which sections to continue with. The whole story is a bit jumbled in my head and I need to think it out a bit more first, so it's all going a bit slowly. But it is progress, and I need to get some decent writing under my belt so it feels like I've done something with this year. I've got all the time in the world now, I just need to know how to use it.

Short Story - Goats.

This is a short story I wrote for creative writing, I'm going to submit it for my portfolio so if you could take just a minute to give me a little bit of feedback that would be amazing. The outline was: Write a short story in 500 words in a world that involves creatures other than humans, in a world where there are psychic abilities, with the characters partaking in a rite of passage. So here you go.. it's a bit far fetched...

“I’ve got a bad feeling about this” I sighed to the choir master. “He’s the second black spot this week. We couldn’t even finish the ceremony on Thursday!”

“Perhaps we can distract the guests, and more importantly the bride?”

“They’re bound to notice it. And it’ll grow more prominent with every lie he tells.” I turned to the window and watched as the limousine pulled up outside the church. The goat-people had been honest souls for thousands of years. Most had complex psychic abilities so lying was pointless. Lies and betrayal brought the young men of the species out in a rash that was known as the black spot. It began in the fur between the horns and could be groomed in such a way that is was not as obvious, but in consistent liars it could spread like wild fire, across the face, out over the shoulders and down over the entire body. It was common knowledge that the rashes could only be eradicated by the sinner overcoming one of the significant rites of passage of life. Hence the rise in Black Spots desperate to marry. I nodded absent-mindedly at the choir master.

“It’s time.” We left the small room and parted ways. I approached the altar and stood next to Black Spot Bill.

“You better know what you’re doing” I whispered. He gave me a sly wink and produced a top hat from behind his back. He positioned it on his head, guiding his long yellowing horns through the tailored holes. It almost completely covered the black rash growing between them. He then dug his hooves into the pockets of his tuxedo and stood nonchalantly watching as the door to the church swung open.

            The hat seemed effective for the majority of the service; his bride was far too occupied with her big day to notice the blackening fur on his forehead.

            “Repeat after me,” I said to him, “I, Bill Grayson take you, Ann Peters, to be my lawfully wedded wife”. He choked on the last word and as he turned back to face me I saw the black spot growing with every lie. He’d struck lucky, found a girl without psychic abilities so he could live his sordid, cheating lifestyle without being caught out by the power of the mind. But he couldn’t hide the black spot. It wasn’t long before she’d notice; almost his entire head was an ominous dark hue now. A couple of guests were fidgeting; they’d seen.

            “To have and to hold.”

            “To have and to hold.” His voice was shaking, he could feel himself changing.

            “For better or worse.”

            “For better or worse.” She was watching his every move from beneath her veil. Her expression concealed whether or not she had noticed; she was focused, but not furious. And it was spreading to his shoulders. I was unsure if I should carry on the ceremony; I could see him willing me to hurry up and say the words that would set him free. His large front teeth bit his bottom lip between repeating my words.

            “I now pronounce you goat and wife.” I said, hesitantly. There was a static that filled the air surrounding him, and before she had lifted the veil, the black rash had vanished. 

Finished

So it appears that I might actually have finished my work for uni. A whole year of uni done. I just need to write two references, compile everything into one document and then submit. This year has gone abnormally quickly. And now months and months of summer are stretching out in front of me but I can't see it yet. I haven't got that 'I'm finished' feeling. Tomorrow I'm going to go into uni and submit it all, and maybe then the feeling will hit me. Or the day after when the actual deadline is. Tonight we're off to Amagi, I need a good night out. I haven't been feeling myself lately. I don't know why.

Heat - Denis Johnson

I just wanted to post the original poem: Heat by Denis Johnson for you to see too. It's in sonnet form, which means a poem of 14 lines, usually in iambic pentameter, which means 10 syllable lines. This sonnet is not in iambic pentameter and neither is the poem I wrote using the end-words of Heat.


Here in the electric dusk your naked lover
tips the glass high and the ice cubes fall against her teeth.
It's beautiful Susan, her hair sticky with gin,
Our Lady of Wet Glass-Rings on the Album Cover,
streaming with hatred in the heat
as the record falls and the snake-band chords begin
to break like terrible news from the Rolling Stones,
and such a last light—full of spheres and zones.
August,
you're just an erotic hallucination,
just so much feverishly produced kazoo music,
are you serious?—this large oven impersonating night,
this exhaustion mutilated to resemble passion,
the bogus moon of tenderness and magic
you hold out to each prisoner like a cup of light?

Sonnet

At the moment I'm feeling like my life lacks productivity, so I thought I'd share some of my recent creative work with you all. Today.. poems! Wait, before you do that 'ugh poems' face, they aren't free verse yawn-worthy poems, they all have structures, and apart from the sonnet are personal to me. The sonnet was just something I wrote in the middle of the night, I think I'll post that one first. It was constructed using the end-words of Heat by Denis Johnson, which is a really beautiful poem. My sonnet is about how love grows old.

Lying awake next to an out-dated lover

The relentless sound of grinding teeth

And overpowering stench of gin

Spilt from the glass, soaked into the bed cover

Unable to sleep in the crippling heat,

The uneasy thoughts begin.

In twenty years you’ve gained three stones

I’m forbidden from nearing your erogenous zones

The sticky humidity delivers hallucinations

Us dancing, echoing ballrooms and 80’s music.

I dream of dark December nights

Evenings gone by were full of passion,

The forgotten chemistry a form of magic

Lost now, decades on, in August moonlight.

Left Arrow Three

Happy Birthday. You are finally 18. I remember back in the day, right in the beginning, your birthday was talked about pretty often. Possibly even the first thing I said to you every time we'd speak. 10 DAYS!! 9 DAYS WOO! and so on. As you can see nothing's really changed. I texted you just now to say Happy Birthday, earlier in the day to remind you that it was tomorrow and yesterday as well? Always more excited than you. But I was counting down, and probably annoying the hell out of you as we didn't really know each other then. But looking back, I just remember your birthday being on the 18th, the same day as your maths GCSE and my retake. And then came your birthday, the day you turn the same age as me for a month and a day. Then last year, of course I remember staying up. I miss that you know. And this year, well you will see when you open it. I really really really hope you like it. And I hope you have an amazing day. We were 15 and 16, that sounds so young now. Both actually adults now, agh that scares me! But it feels like I've known you so much longer. Anyway. Everyone join me in wishing my favourite person a very happy birthday. <3

Vanishing Act

So I've handed in my slightly rushed essay (deadline was this morning and I only started looking at it on Saturday evening) and my next deadline isn't for two weeks. So I'm giving myself a couple of days off. I thought I might use them to get a bit of writing done. I find it strange how I enjoy writing my own things but detest essay writing. And some kind of writer's block has developed over the years; I miss the days when I literally couldn't write fast enough to record all of the ideas in my head. The ink didn't flow fast enough to capture everything I wanted to say in that moment. And that used to annoy me; these days I'd love that to happen. It comes, just trickling from the tap instead of full force. But I thought of a new story idea, and maybe it will entrance me so much that I'll revert to my original way of writing. I've done my fair share of thinking about disappearing over the years, and I was flicking through the channels and stumbled upon a programme called 'Missing'. It's basically about people who just vanish. Drop off the planet. Fade into nothing. Leave no trace. And there was an old woman who had disappeared. One of her family suggested a way she might have vanished and it just struck me as an interesting idea for a story. I, personally, had never even thought about disappearing in that way. Somewhere in my head it triggered the 'that's a good idea' switch, so I've started a story about it. But I won't give anything away since it will probably end up on here if I ever finish it. And just for the record, I'm not thinking about disappearing anytime soon so it's not a reflection on my own life, I just liked the idea. Four little words, they could sprout into pages and pages.

Ignorance

My blog from last night got deleted, there was some kind of error with blogspot. I hope it comes back, I hate it when things I write get deleted, which is why I'll probably never end up pursuing a career as a writer; it's all about deleting. It's more about deleting than it is writing, if there's one thing I've learnt from uni this year. I had a good day today, I will blog properly about it later or another day. But it was a good day. A better day than yesterday. I want my blog post back, but I know at least ten of you read it, so at least I got things off my chest a little. What I want to say now is too clear, so I'll be misting it up a little. Code is easier. I still haven't replied. I still haven't worked out what I want. It's cruel to leave them waiting but I don't know any better. But something clicked about five minutes ago and I was going to tweet it but here is easier. And there is no word limit. I think I know why I don't know. It's because we're in the same position, except her's was real and mine never really was. I just wanted it to be, and it could have been. But I stopped it. So to use the same excuse would be wrong but actually, it is still true. There was a post on here a while back, I can't remember when, which outlined the plan. It's a lot of months later now. I still went through with the main part, but the repercussions, they never really worked. There was something, an untold something, a message undelivered. So I'll never know. But I hope this makes you smile. I think, actually, that's what I was put here for, to try to do just that. And I think that's why I don't know, because I never knew. So I'm not replying. I'll say maybe tomorrow again. And again probably, until it turns into forever. It was just a blip.Or was it? This would be so much easier if I knew, and if I was better with words. Everything is so jumbled up in my head, I wonder how the words come out in a legible order at all.

Maybe Tomorrow

Today is the 12th of May. What would have been Jordan's 19th birthday, the day I won an award for Academic Excellence at uni, and the day you decided it would be a good idea to speak to me again. That's a lot of things for one day. This time last year Charlotte took me to lay flowers down, and then we went to my lake and talked. I wish I could have done the same today but I can't get home. But Jord, know I'm thinking of you. And Happy Birthday, I love you so much, and I miss you every single day. I should have left the sad bit til last, I'm all upset now. I won an award at uni today. Right now I don't really feel it. I'm still ill, yesterday I was at the hospital most of the day being tested for Glandular Fever. So after the ceremony I came back to halls and fell asleep til just now. And I find a text. The first half was good text material. The rest: the sort of thing you have no idea how to reply to. And I haven't figured out in my head yet whether or not I want to reply. I don't know what I want, but I definitely didn't want what happened, well I did but not the way it panned out in the end. I've never felt like such a twat in my life. Afterwards I went into central and met Yaz, and it all just poured out, as soon as I saw her I started crying and she gave me the longest hug. I was doing so well and it was about five steps back, when I'd only come about 6 steps in the first place. Then I cried all the way home, and convinced myself that 'let's not talk for a while', meant 'let's not talk again ever'. But here we are, and now I'm the one who has to differentiate between the two. I really, really don't know what I should do, I need a hug, I need some guidance. Because texting back here doesn't just mean texting back, it means something else. Forgiveness maybe? Friendship. Understanding. And a large amount of bounce-back-ness. And I still have to think about whether I want, or can do those things. And whether I'm the kind of person who can do that. I haven't thought about it because I was under the impression of 'let's not talk again ever'. So I didn't need to think about it. But now I do. And that will take me time. I'll just try to keep the time under two days and eight minutes; Imogen Heap says that's too long. I think I'll follow the advice of Snow Patrol, 'Don't think, just do'. But not today. I'll do on a day that isn't important for as many reasons. Tomorrow maybe. Maybe tomorrow.

Short Story - Feedback Please!

Right, here's a short story I wrote for Creative Writing, I've been editing it but I'd really like some constructive criticism from you all, it would really help me. Have a read and let me know what you think, what needs changing, which bits you like, which bits you hate, anything! We had to take the first line from a short story that already exists and carry the story on from there. Comment with your suggestions or tweet me at @missfranklin on Twitter! :)

Lily, the caretaker’s daughter, was literally run off her feet. She ached to sit down but she hadn’t time. She had been left, once again, to right her father’s shoddy work, whilst he lay snoring heavily in his basement bedroom. She had received a predictable phone call at 3am; her father slurring and hiccoughing between pleas for a favour. A favour that she hadn’t minded too much on the first couple of occasions, but that had become a great burden to her over time. The morning light was beginning to creep in through the windows and she knew she’d be hard-pressed to get the house cleaned thoroughly before Mr Sullivan and his perfectionist wife returned. They had been to one of their company balls and would undoubtedly return a little worse for wear a few hours after sunrise. Lily’s father had taken the rare opportunity of having the house to himself to invite a couple of his old drinking pals over for a party of their own. He had always been an opportunist. It was incredible how much mess three sixty year-olds could create in one evening.

The house reeked of alcohol wall to wall; beer had been trodden into the shagpile carpets and bottles lined the windowsills. It looked as if twenty men had been drinking there last night, but Lily knew her father didn’t have that many friends. There was a large amount of salt poured over the dining table, almost as even as a fresh blanket of snow, only three names had been traced into it with a drunken fingertip. Beside her father’s name were the names of his partners in crime, Terry and Bill. Together the three were a lethal combination and always managed to cause a considerable amount of trouble. She shook her head. Lily was used to cleaning up after her father, but this was definitely the worst she’d seen it. Her father’s drinking had become completely out of hand; she threw her bucket to the floor and decided that this would be the last time she’d cover for him.

Lily wondered how her father had managed to afford such a large quantity of alcohol on his basic wages. She rolled her eyes and feared the worst. She darted into the kitchen, where the cupboard doors were flung open, and the bare insides told her everything she needed to know. She cursed him under her breath; he was fast becoming a wreck of a man that she could barely recognise.

She scrubbed at the walls and mopped the floors, wiped the table clean and picked up countless bottle caps. She knew their game; they flicked them across the room purposely, competing on distance and sniggering hoarsely at each other’s efforts. She collected all the bottles and threw them into a black sack. She sprayed the kitchen and dining room with air freshener in a last attempt to mask the stench and rehearsed the scolding she planned to give her father. Rolling her eyes she mopped her brow and took a step back. Looking around the room she deemed it almost passable. She was just straightening the chairs around the dining table as she heard the front door swing open in the hallway and ricochet back off the wall. Lily froze in the dining room.

“David!” Mrs Sullivan screeched. “Try a lighter touch. My head is already pounding.”

“I’m aware.” He replied. “You’ve been moaning about it for the entire journey.” Mrs Sullivan sighed heavily. Lily bent down to pick up the cleaning supplies, biting her lip in an attempt to remain as quiet as possible. As she heard footsteps nearing she pelted across the room. Just as the door opened to the dining room, Lily closed the door to the basement behind her, and stood with her back against it, mop and bucket in hand. She muffled her panting with a fist and listened intently for the reaction of the Sullivans. There was a lingering silence and Lily held her breath. But after a few seconds she exhaled, hearing the staircase above her creak. As they climbed, she descended, down into the basement to yell at her letdown of a father. With each step she thought of more insults to shout at him; her anger inside her was boiling over. She’d almost been caught and she was fuming.

            From across the room Lily saw that the duvet was pulled up around him and the overpowering smell of alcohol stung her eyes. She blinked, adjusting to the dim light and then the thunderous silence hit her. He wasn’t snoring. She grabbed a corner of the duvet and pulled it away, revealing a large pool of vomit. It smelt vile, almost toxic. Crouching down she stared into his glassy, vacant eyes. Dropping the bucket by his bedside she offered a tentative finger out to his cheek and stroked his cold, unshaven white face. The usual purple hue had drained away. Lily gulped back her own vomit and picked up the vodka bottle from the floor. She swigged it, replaced it, and left, never looking back.

Please let me know what you think!

Thank You!

Just wanted to say a massive thank you to everyone who helped me out with the questionnaire for my English coursework, all your responses were brilliant. Some were absolutely hilarious as well and I got some really funny looks in the library laughing out loud at some of them. Thanks for taking the time to fill it in, together you gave me around 2,500 words to work with, fantastic! You are all such stars. My essay is now a work in progress, at 650 words at the moment so it's coming along nicely. I'll let you know how it all goes when I've finished it and when I get the results back, you will all get a big thank you then too I'm sure. Thank you so, so much! :)

Product Name Questionnaire - Please Help!!

Right guys, I need your help for my English Language coursework. If you could fill in this questionnaire I would be really grateful. Just leave your responses as a comment below if possible or you can tweet me your answers at @missfranklin on Twitter. Thank you!!!

Look at the follow brand/product/business names, and tell me what you would imagine the brand/product/business sells or produces and what impression you would gather from the company from the name. Try to imagine that you have not heard of the name before, basically what I need to know is what impression an English speaker gets of a product from the product's name. If you haven't heard of the name before that's even better, just think about what you think it could be selling. Try not to look them up!!

For example:

Directline. This name implies that you get straight through directly over the phone line, or it could also come across as a travel company, implying that you get straight to your destination via the quickest possible direct route or line.

Here are the brand/product/business names I need you to help with.

• Nescafe
• Addictionary
• Powerade
• Red Bull
• Calgon
• Talk Talk
• Easyjet
• National Express
• Mothercare
• Fanta
• Utterly Butterly
• Netgear
• Playdough
• E-harmony
• HMV

Thank you so much!!

Brighton, Pete Bennett & Joe Mcelderry

I have so much work to do, and blogging is the last thing I should be spending time on but I feel like I've been neglecting it and I need a break. And this kills two birds with one stone. So here I am. Had a brilliant weekend in Brighton. Met Pete Bennett from Big Brother.. remember him? Bumped into him in Revenge and had a chat; looked like most people were too drunk to recognise him so I took the opportunity whilst it was there.. he's a really nice guy!

Then on the Saturday night Joe Mcelderry was playing at Coalition where we were, and he played his cover of Nerina Pallot's 'Real Late Starter'. He's not to my usual taste but I couldn't resist dancing to a song I knew so well! It was a great live performance and 'Ambitions' also sounded incredible. 

One of the best weekends in a while, definitely! There was going to be a point to this blog post, I was leading somewhere but I've completely forgotten.. so expect another one when I remember what I was going to say!!

Good Times

I have written on here in so long, been a bit of a let down, sorry readers! Been really busy with uni work, churning out all different forms of poetry, short stories and scenes from plays, essay plans and countless other things, and it still feels like I've got a mountain to climb by the deadlines. Just seen the take home test for Experiments in form, it's not tooooo bad, but still pretty scary. Will have to spend some evenings slaving away in the library when I get back to uni. Need to pack for Brighton this weekend, and for Kingston because I'm not coming home between the two. I've been deleting your texts to make room for ones from someone special, someone.. new. I never should have kept yours in the first place. But some are still too hard to delete so they'll stay in my inbox for a while longer at least. I don't want to say too much about this new someone because it's early days, but she's making me smile. And that's the most important thing :) So I should be much happier this time in Brighton, so my friends will be happy too. It will be smiles all round, all thanks to her. Good times!

On the train

I'm on the train on the way to London to see Nerina! Very excited! Just been lazing around on the Cricket fields for hours with Beth, Ciara, Kirstie, Anna and Rhys, it's so hot today!! I'm playing all the newest Nerina songs I have on my iPod to get me in the mood, totally buzzing with excitement, especially as there are songs on the album that I haven't heard. The single is out on Monday, fingers crossed that it will be big! We're having a meet up before the gig with all the regulars, and some I haven't met before. It will be strange, because these are people that I've been speaking to for yonks on twitter but haven't actually met; I hope I recognise them!! I tried to upgrade my ticket earlier but they only had back row tickets which is what I already have. Today I paid the deposit on our house for next year, so it's all sorted, very exciting times!!

Cherry Picking

I've had quite a productive day today. Last night I was thinking about product names, business names and brand names that I can analyse for my English coursework. I have to look at 15 of these names and discuss what an English-speaking person would think about the business, brand or product from the name. For example a name such as 'National Express' suggests nationwide coverage and a fast service. I've come up with quite a few good ones for analysing so far, and I've just been cherry-picking the best ones and writing down what I gather from their names. I'm planning on asking my family members what they think of the names as well just to provide a wider vision of what the names suggest, and that gives me more to write about. So I've written a few hundred words of a plan, but I'm still struggling to think of academic sources that I can link in with my ideas. But that's not due for another few weeks so I'll do more worrying about that nearer the time. I've also drawn up a big to-do list type plan with all my deadlines written up so I know what's due in when, and I can work through things in a chronological order. After doing that I went shopping, clothes shopping for the first time in far too long! Got a few nice bits from Dorothy Perkins and spent lots of money that I don't have, but I thought I'd get something new for the Nerina gig on Wednesday. It struck me today that even though this is the eleventh time I'm seeing her live, I still get just as excited as if it was only the first time. I really need a good dose of beautiful live music, so roll on Wednesday!

Postsecret 17/04/11

It's that Postsecret time of the week again kids! This week the secrets are really good.. I think there are more than usual and I found a lot that I can relate to, so this is going to be a special extended version of this blog post. Check out the secrets for yourself by clicking here.

 

My belief in God has wavered over the year, but I do like to believe that there is some kind of more powerful force than us, that some kind of God exists.And if he does exist in a form similar to us, I do hope he listens to sad songs when he's feeling blue. It can't be easy watching a world that you created descend into war and poverty, and see it destroyed by natural disasters and human activity. I reckon a bit of The Cinematic Orchestra on repeat might help him to think straight, just like me.

The next two secrets sort of contradict each other but I will explain why I have included both of them.

 

I like this secret because it is very honest. Having both suffered from mental illness and been in a relationship with someone with a mental illness I know that maintaining a relationship can be difficult. I think in that kind of relationship it does sometimes feel like you are having a relationship with the illness and not the person, and that is a challenge. But that person wouldn't be who they are without that illness, and if you love that person, it shouldn't matter. It does complicate things, and sometimes you just feel like giving up, but it's not always bad. I think the person who wrote this secret was going through a difficult stage. I know I've felt that way sometimes.

 

This is my favourite secret from this week's postcards. When suffering from a mental illness it can be really difficult to see yourself as an individual, as opposed to a statistic. But I found that there are certain people out there who can help you to rediscover yourself. I owe my sanity to my brilliant friends who stuck by me through the darkest times and made me realise that I was still a person.

I'd Die If I Lost You

I just read the most heartbreaking thing I've ever laid eyes on. I'd suspected it but it's true. It's hit me like a million tons of bricks. And I feel like it's my fault. So I'm writing a letter. Because writing is what I do. I never realised how massive my power to hurt people is. Scar them beyond repair. Everyone would have been so much happier if I'd not been here. It sounds so cliche but I do honestly believe that. If anything happens to him I don't know how I'll carry on. I really, really don't.

Collapse

I'm not doing so great at the moment. Everything I touch seems to collapse around me. When I'm at uni I want to be home, when I'm home I want to be back at uni. I don't feel like I belong here anymore. I've been away so long and things carried on without me, they found new puzzle pieces to replace me and I don't fit anymore. I'm not actually sure I can call either place home now. So here I am, not homeless, but feeling a bit homeless really. I've got absolutely mountains of uni work to be doing and I haven't even started. I'm scared, I know it won't be to the standard of last semester, because I feel like crap. And when I feel like this the last thing I want to do is write essays. Maybe I could get some of the creative writing done, but it involves a lot of reading too and I can't focus. It's not like I can't do it. Without bragging, I'm sure I could conjure something up and pass, but I don't want to just pass. I want to do well. I want to keep getting firsts, but it's a lot of work. I have to work out whether it's worth the effort. I've been listening to Adele on repeat, because let's face it, it's one of those days. I'm just not really sure what I'm doing with my life at the moment. It all feels a bit pointless, you know?

"I hate to turn up out of the blue, uninvited, but I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it. I'd hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded that for me, it isn't over. Never mind, I'll find someone like you." - If only it was so easy.

Postsecret 10/04/11

Sorry, I'm a few days late with my Postsecret post this week, sorry! Just had a browse through the secrets and picked out my favourite. Check out this weeks secrets by clicking here.

As you may know I'm a bit of a Twitter addict. Twitter's strange, because you can have complex relationships with people you've never met, interlinking conversations with multiple people at once. You build up a knowledge of a person based on a collection of 140 character tweets. But it's brilliant in the way that you can send out a message to all your followers, hundreds of people, and it can be completely indirect to most, but be very clear to a small number of those followers. And you do have to wonder sometimes whether someone's indirect tweets are ever aimed at you. I think I only wonder about it because I do it to other people. Guilty as charged!

The Freedom Of The Mind

The freedom of the mind is a beautiful thing. Most of the time you can't say what you want to, unless you're alone. But sometimes even then your thoughts are too honest to be spoken out loud, to be thrust out into the real world. But inside your head, you can think whatever you like. You can think terrible things about the person sat next to you, and nobody will ever know. You have the power to destroy a whole manner of things, but you don't because nobody can hear what you say with the voice inside your mind. I don't use the freedom of my mind to its full extent because I tend to be quite a paranoid person. I think that since we are unaware of what so much of the brain is capable of doing, there must be the possibility that somewhere somebody has mastered mind-reading and would be able to hear my thoughts. And if somebody did develop that skill, the whole world as we know it would collapse. Think how much of everyday life relies on secrets. Bank details, computer passwords, shop till codes, business breakthroughs, things would totally fall apart. Relationships would end, families would split up, mind-reading could prove more fatal than nuclear bombs. I think I'll start using the freedom of my mind as much as possible before evolution gets the better of us.

Impossible Task

So on Wednesday night I had to complete a writing task for creative writing, due in the next day. It was 500 words, and it wouldn't have been so hard had the instructions been less complicated. I worked on it all day and the ideas only came to me at 3am. I gave it a quick edit this morning before I had to read it out so this is the second draft. First take a look at the instructions we were given, and see what I mean by impossible. Or near impossible. But I gave it a stab.

'Describe a building in 500 words. It must be from the perspective of a woman or man who has just lost their son in the war. You must not mention the son, or the war.'


Here's my take on the task.

I stood at the bottom of a long winding driveway, the ground littered with confetti trodden into the grass. I looked up at the turreted roof and grand spire and acknowledged the intricate detail on a background of blood-red skies. I’d been here before, but never had the time to stop and really look. I’d always been rushing, usually in vibrant colours and oversized hats. Only a few times in monotone like today. But I blended in well with the surroundings; dull brick, grey stones cluttering the lawn. I wondered how anybody could observe a joyous occasion in this morbid building. How could anyone welcome new life into the world or celebrate the joining of two people in marriage surrounded by the constant reminder of death? Right now, stood just inside the gates I was just meters away from bodies buried beneath the ground. Walking over memories and lives cut short. Treading on the past.

The wind whipped up and the trees swayed in sympathy. I pulled my black coat more tightly around myself and wondered why I’d stood there in the cold for such a long time. My eyes narrowed as I watched church-goers returning down the path with smiles plastered across their faces, enlightened with a new-found appreciation for life. I sighed and doubted that I’d find any here.

A woman walked past me and leant down before a gravestone. Of all the places you could visit to remember somebody you lost, this had to be one of the most ghastly. So there were flowers and notes claiming everlasting love but these mere amenities didn’t cloud the overwhelming deathly atmosphere.

It was eerie too, and lonely. The uncomfortable pews for seats and long, echoey rooms. Such a mysterious building when you’re alone. I bit my lip. Candles lined the front wall and seemed to flicker as the sound of my footsteps filled the room. As I paced down the central aisle my eyes rose to the stained glass window casting a red haze over the sanctuary. Reaching the front I struck a match against a matchbox. It snapped in two and fell to the floor. Frowning I took out another match and struck it three times before it lit. I picked up a long white candle with the other hand and held the flame to the wick. Replacing it in its stand I forced a brave smile and sent up a silent prayer. The flame danced before my eyes but only brought distressing images to my mind. I took a twenty pound note out of my purse and posted it into the donation box. And with that I turned and left. I refused to cry as I knew the next time I’d be there there’d be no way I’d be able to fight back the tears.

Monophthongs & Diphthongs

I don't understand how it's so easy to learn the alphabet when you're three or four, but it's so hard to learn the international phonetic alphabet now that I'm 18. Granted, there are 44 phonemes, but some of them are just impossible to remember. I'm sure I could have designed better symbols for most of the diphthongs and monophthongs. I do like those words though, especially because they have four consonants next to each other and that amuses my linguistically trained mind. I've made revision cards for the exam tomorrow, and most of it is sinking in, just not the symbols I need to learn. I'm going into uni in a bit to meet Alicia for a revision session, so hopefully we'll come up with a witty way of remembering them. I think I preferred revising for Chemistry A level. That's not good...

Postsecret 03/04/11

It's that Postsecret time of week again kids! Just had a look at all the postcards and there's quite a good variety of secrets this week. Click here to check them out for yourself!

I tend to be a person who doesn't have many regrets. But I always think that towards the end of life, when you have lots of time to think over the things you've achieved or done, the things that you remember most are the things you shouldn't have done in the first place. They become more memorable because they were more fun, more outgoing, more risky and more amusing than what you should have been doing. Over the years I've made a fair number of irresponsible decisions, but I hope that, whilst attempting not to ruin my life, I make more in the future. I want to have some brilliant things to look back on when I'm older. Also, I love how drunk this sheep looks.

My Favourite Covers 03/04/11

So it's half two in the morning, I should be asleep, but I was just randomly browsing youtube. And I found this. It's absolutely brilliant! Discover the secret behind Rebecca Black's youtube anti-hit 'Friday' in this fantastic cover. It's turned a bloody annoying song into something I'm now listening to for the fourth time. I much prefer this version! Check it out!

Running

I wish I knew if there was something I could do. Turning back the clocks simply isn't an option, but I'm sure there must be something. Because I actually really miss you. We were running at the same speed for such a long time, completely in sync, but you've sprinted into the distance and forgotten to look back. I think they call it moving on. But you just moved onwards. I don't think we were running in a race, I never pictured a finish line. It was about the journey, not the destination. But now you're running so fast that I don't know if I'll ever catch up. But it's not about the speed. It's about the distance. You want to be as far as possible. And I don't blame you. And as much as it would have hurt me that you just ran away, it hurts more that you never said why. You thought about it, teased me, 'we need to talk'. But then you legged it, faster than lightning into the vanishing distance. You've passed the sound barrier and hurdled over the horizon. Gone. And I fucking miss you. I miss you so much.

Stream Of Consciousness

Today I was thinking about twins. I can't remember why exactly I was thinking about twins, I think it was because I was watching Airline. There was a woman on there with a baby and they wouldn't let them fly because legally the baby was 6 hours too young to fly. So I was thinking, is it measured by the actual time of birth? This is what lead me onto thinking about twins. I was thinking about how far apart they are born. Anyway this next bit won't make sense unless I explain one of my weird theories about life first. Let me go back a few years. As a lonely and misguided teenager I once decided to seek help from my maths teacher, a very wise woman whose views on the world are rather similar to mine. A woman who I grew to regard as more of a friend than a teacher over the years. I told her that I was thinking all these things that I didn't think other people my age were thinking about. When she asked me what sort of things I had been thinking about I chose to disclose a couple of the least depressing thoughts. The first was that I had been wondering what the point of names were. Surely if everyone in the world is individual, how can two people have the same name? Everybody should be able to be known in a unique way. Surnames I sort of understand; they once described an occupation, and I suppose that is a way to be known. But names, common names, names in the top 100 baby names for certain years, why would you want a name that millions of other people have? That doesn't hold any kind of special meaning does it? I just think that everyone should have an individual name, and that name dies with you. The second musing I told her about was the one that made me think about twins today. It's something that crops up in my mind every now and again. I wonder, why isn't age measured from conception? Because surely age is how long you've been alive for. So that would mean that before birth you aren't alive. But you are. I thought about this a lot whilst I was waiting to turn 16 and 18; I remember thinking, if age was measured from conception then I'd have nine months and a week less to wait. It just makes no sense to me. Anyway, this is when I started thinking about twins. For simplicity, let's assume that we're dealing with identical twins. With twins, as long as they aren't delivered via caesarian section, one twin is born a matter of minutes before the other. And that twin is known as the older twin. But these twins are the result of one zygote splitting to form two embryos, so they were conceived at the same time. So they have been alive for the same amount of time. So the twin that is born first isn't actually the older twin, but the faster twin. The same applies with children who are born a matter of days apart in the same year. One child may be born on the 10th of the month, with the other born on the 12th. But if the first child is born a week premature, and the second child is born a week late, then the 'younger' child is actually the older child.

Anyway. Now I've got all those strange thoughts out of my head for the night, I must sleep. It is much too late to be thinking this deeply.

Music

I'm so in the mood to go to a really good gig. Last year I went to absolutely loads, but so far this year I haven't been to a single one! The last was Nerina Pallot at the Tabernacle in December, and the next will be her as well. It's only three weeks away and I'm far too excited. Today I got tickets for her London gig in October as well on presale, row A, very nice! Also the other day we decided to go to GoGo festival in June, and Heather Peace is playing on my birthday. My friends are buying me the ticket as a birthday present, so that's going to be really great. But I want more gigs; I'm a gigaholic. I just love live music. There's something really special about hearing a song that means a lot to you live. It's just so different to hearing a recorded version; it unveils a whole new meaning. And Nerina specifically is phenomenal live. I've seen her 10 times now, make that 11 in three weeks and at least 12 before the end of this year. If I had the money I'd go online and book tickets for as many artists as possible and fill up an entire year with gigs. Maybe I'll take a gap year and do that one day. A whole year of live music, imagine that.

Postsecret 27/03/11

So it's that Postsecret time of week again. Had a browse through the postcards earlier and there aren't any this week that jump out as a secret of my own, so I found this that I print-screened a while back. I'm not sure what the actual date of this Postsecret was, but it was the comment left underneath it that I loved most about it. Click here to check out this week's Postsecrets and pick yours out for yourself.


Once upon a time I was with a girl who loved Postsecret as much as I did, and we often wondered if we'd recognise each other's secrets in Postcard form. I'm not really sure whether I see my scars as a sign that I survived, or a sign that I almost didn't; but I can remember what caused certain ones. Why I did that. What made me feel that bad. And I remember the night I showed her my scars, we talked about what they all meant for me and why I'd done them in the first place. We talked them all through. I still remember the 'Fuck' she exclaimed when I showed her the three scars on my thigh. 'Where the tiger got me'. Analogies. Euphamisms. Like back in 2007 when I was in hospital and the little girl in the bed opposite me asked me what had happened to my arm, and her mother jumped in and said 'She was juggling a goldfish bowl, just like Uncle Matt'. I always thought that was a very beautiful way of putting it. But the little girl accepted it and carried on and I thanked her mother for what she'd said, because I didn't know how to reply to such an innocent little person. Anyway. The comment underneath this secret, I always liked to think it was from the girl I was brave enough to show my scars to. Sometimes I wonder whether it actually was.