Most People Get To Have Grandkids

I've been thinking about this a lot. Since. You know. And as much as I'm adamant that I'm still in stage one of grief, denial, I have been thinking about this. A lot. This is the only thing I've been thinking about though. I don't feel ready to think yet. Which for me, is unusual. I usually like to think a lot. But with this, everytime it enters my mind I force it out again. It's starting to worry me. It's like a huge part of my brain that I'm stopping myself from accessing. It's not that I don't want to think about him, of course I do. I just think it hasn't sunk in and I don't want it to. Maybe I'm scared that if I allow myself to think about it, it will seem more real. I think if I allow myself to think, I'll break down. I'm putting on a front but I don't know how to take it down. I'm scared to think. But I've been thinking about this. About the age he was. 63. People say he was young to die, but 63 isn't that young. People say I am young to lose my father, but that wasn't one of the first thing that crossed my mind when it happened. Then I started to realise that I am, I suppose, quite young. I know my brothers are young. The only way I could really work it out was to compare my experiences to those of the people I know. My friend Laura, lost her father a few years ago. I definitely thought she was young then. And my cousins when they lost my uncle. They were very young. But those are the only people my age I know that have lost their dads. Then my mind turned to people my mothers age, a lot of whom still have both parents. My mum for example. My great grandad is still alive, at 102. I spoke to a few people of my parents age at the funeral who shared their experiences of losing parents, but those were mainly in the last five years. In the very early days I was very interested, so much so that I tried to google it with no avail, in the average age to lose a parent. I worked out my own little formula, say the average age to have a child is 30, and the average life expectancy is 80, then the average age to lose a parent ought to be at fifty. Which makes me feel very young to have lost my dad. I don't know if it will ever seem real. I just can't imagine living in a world where he isn't. Which I think is why I don't want to think about it. But anyway, I've just been watching Grey's Anatomy and someone mentioned grandchildren. Which made me think about grandparents. And I thought about how many grandparents are around. A lot. Most people I know still have at least two grandparents alive. Most people get to have grandkids. My dad didn't get to have that. Which makes me sad. And also reinforces the feeling that my dad was young to die, even though 63 isn't a particularly young age. So that's what I've been thinking about a lot. But it is the only thing. The other thoughts will just have to wait until I feel more ready. I'm not ready yet.